Learning Through Rap

Recent studies have shown that the best way to learn something new is through something called "hip-hop." I wasn't sure what that was myself, so I performed a unnecessarily extensive Google search and discovered that "hip-hop" is simply a fancy word for "rap." But don't let that scare you. I know some people out there think "rap" is just a bunch of grown men in clown make-up shouting about murder and magnets, but it turns out there are raps that actually serve an educational purpose. For instance, I recently listened to a rap that taught me how to properly feed and care for my bitch. My thirst for knowledge was far from quenched though, so I delved deeper into hip-hop culture on a mission to find more educational raps and share them with our readers. Turns out, rap can learn ya a whole mess of things, like...

1. Fireworks safety

In anticipation of Summer, the Midland Fire Department released a fireworks safety rap in the hopes that this year the citizenry of Midland, MI would refrain from blowing off their hands and faces. The trio of fireman-cum-dope-MCs present 9 simple rules to keep from burning yourself alive. Some of these rules include: read safety labels, which the firemen compare to the life lessons one can glean from the fables of Aesop; keep fireworks away from your cigar-chomping, kerosene-toting, false beard-wearing Uncle Randy; refrain from carrying fireworks in your pocket as an event of nuclear proportions is bound to occur; and no matter how much an asshole your older brother is, don't shove a sparkler in his face.

Most important lyrics: So, remember if it flies and makes a bang/stay away or you're in a chain gang (Wow. That's pretty harsh. My Uncle Randy told me those chain gangs are horrible!)

2. The plight of the elderly

No one understands the day to day trials of being an elderly woman in America like Rapping Granny. She may be decrepit, feeble-minded, and smelly, but does RG let that stuff slow her down? Hell, no, playa! She keeps it real...real old. But unlike, say, a Snoop Dogg or a Warren G, when the day-to-day grind gets her down, Rapping Granny doesn't resort to macho posturing and gun violence. She doesn't need to. She's got a "lyrical AK" after all. Rapping Granny's got all you bitches on lock. Now back off before she thwacks you with her walker. Those legs may have tennis balls on the end of 'em, but that shit still hurts.

Most important lyrics: I'm a big star and I'm spectacular/laid back like Dracula...

3. How to treat one's mother

Mr. T is famous for many things: wearing gold chains, being the only member of the A-Team who is afraid to fly, engaging in fisticuffs with Rocky, being less than amused with Richard Belzer, having his own sugary breakfast cereal, etc. But did you know he rapped? That's right, Mr. T raps, and perhaps his most beloved rap of all-time is the stirring "Treat Your Mother Right," a rap tribute to his own mother, as well as, mothers all over the world. Mr. T gives us a lot to think about as he recounts the old days when his mother suffered over a hot oven to make sure T had food to eat or worked extra hard to keep clothes on T's back and, presumably, chains around his neck.

Most important lyrics: She's a queen, second to none/take care of mother, you only get one

4. The plight of puppets

I never really gave a second thought to the indignity puppets face every single day until I heard "Hand in my Ass" for the first time. The song provides an unflinching glimpse into a dark world of what is essentially puppet fisting. When we're putting on a puppet show for a child's birthday party or singing about Jesus with the help of some puppet friends on Sunday morning, we don't think about what were doing to a puppet's fragile psyche. Do you realize how many puppets are hand raped every day? Hundreds at least. I mean, to be fair, some puppets are just heads, so, that's not such a big deal, I guess. Regardless, I know I wouldn't want some dude's arm crammed up my butthole day in and day out. Jeff Dunham should be ashamed!

Most important lyrics: They dress me like a bitch and I can't get a date/and my only escape is to masturbate

5. Lustfulness, advertising, and probably some other stuff

Hey, Dr. Dre, who writes your raps? Oh, you write 'em yourself? Good luck with all that. YouTube MC, Nameless, gets his raps from on high, and by that I mean God, yo! He may be an ex-hustler, but he is a current-pimp, and I don't mean one of those ho-slapping pimps you see in blaxploitation flicks. Nameless is a pimp for the Lord. In this rap, Nameless discusses the deplorable sin of lust, sex in advertising, and something about God cursing the Earth. He also provides fans with tips and tricks on how to escape an empty life of skirt chasing, tree puffing, and being crunk. And, yes, it's exactly what you think it is.

Most important lyrics: Every commercial tries to sell with sex/It's like, "I'm done with you, get out my bed...NEXT!