#6. Auto-tuned preteen girls from privileged families will be the death of pop music.
Oh, to be a 12-year-old girl with the desire to have a lucrative recording career and parents rich enough to fund my ridiculous dream in 2011. The time is right and the road to ironic semi-stardom has never been clearer nor, oddly enough, more traffic-ridden. Hell, you don't even need natural talent. Don't believe me?
You were expecting Rebecca Black? By now, if you live in America, have regular access to a computer or snarky 25-year-old barista, and possess functioning eyes and ears, you are familiar with Black and the Ark Music Factory, a creepy talent agency that perpetually shits out marginally talented teenagers onto YouTube and lets the trolls have at them. The video for Black's single "Friday," which has been viewed over 92-million times on YouTube as of this writing, went viral after it was posted on several blogs and has given birth to more silly covers and parodies than you can imagine, including, my personal favorite, "Sunday," performed by Sadie Black, about how church can be fun (?) even when choosing a pew proves to be a crippling ordeal.
But back to Alana Lee and her awful song "Butterflies." I'm not going to sit here and bad mouth Lee. First of all, she's a child. Second of all, she has successfully recorded a song, performed in a music video for said song, and released said video into a cold and uncaring world, damn the consequences. What have I done? Three episodes of a poorly promoted movie-themed podcast? A single performance with my three-piece musical outfit, The Not Happys, in my basement? Maintained a pop-culture skewering blog with limited returns? OK, that one's pretty impressive, but you get what I'm saying.
I'm also not going to let Alana Lee slide. "Butterflies" is garbage. I don't care how old you are or what style of genitalia you carry between your legs. This is a song for no one. Or, rather, it is a song for the evil geniuses at the Ark Factory who know that little girls will buy (i.e. beg their tired, stressed out parents to buy) whatever crap sounds like the crap they already like. So, that's the first thing.
There's also this whole auto-tune issue. Now, I don't hate auto-tuned stuff, but I enjoy when it is used transparently. By that I mean, I like when a song utilizing auto-tune makes that fact glaringly obvious. "Hey, everyone, we're using auto-tune here to make our song sound quirky and strange." Ark isn't using auto-tune to give "Butterflies" an offputting edge. They're doing it because Alana Lee simply doesn't have the pipes to pull the song off. Fast forward to :36--the first time we hear the song's "haunting"chorus--where Alana reveals that she is, in fact, a robot masquerading as a human girl child. The less said about what goes between 2:02-to-2:45 the better.
Before we run screaming from the Ark Factory, let's check in on CJ Fam, who, if I'm not mistaken, is a toddler.
Ick. This is more gross than anything ever. 1930's Shirley Temple is turning over in her grave.
Ark isn't the only music factory in town. No, sir. Your daughter doesn't have to team up with Patrice Williams to be an internet laughing stock. Take Jenna Rose. The video for her ode to crass consumerism, "My Jeans," has only been viewed by a paltry 4-million people, but it features everything that makes Ark's output so mesmerizing: 12-year-old drivers, awkward dancing, and an irritating rap break.
I simultaneously love and hate this song. Let's start with the reasons I hate it:
1. It's a song about jeans.
2. Jenna Rose seems like a total bitch. I can only go by the "character" she plays in the video however. She may be a perfectly nice young woman. The Jenna Rose yammering on about her stupid designer jeans though seems like a self-centered little snot.
3. Promotes the wrong idea that owning a pair of expensive jeans will allow you to "go anywhere." (1:30) You gonna wear those jeans to a job interview? I guess you can if you don't want the job, not that Jenna Rose will ever need a job.
4. I'm jealous of the sweet castle mural on her bedroom wall, OK!?
5. The line "Ha ha ha ha/Jack my swag." (2:25-2:27) That scene should have been followed by one of her father walking into frame and smacking the smirk off her face.
But, yes, there are things that I love as well:
1. I think as parody, it works pretty well. Like, if it is revealed one day that "My Jeans" was a parody of all the Arks and Willow Smiths and Justin Biebers of the world, I for one would be pretty stoked. Sadly, I think it's just a dumb song written for a rich girl who wants to be famous and hopes to one day appear on Mtv's My Super Sweet Sixteen.
2. As readers know, I like a well-crafted pop song, and "My Jeans," while vapid and shallow, is also catchy as hell.
3. The rap break, performed here by Baby Triggy and a friend who isn't important enough to name, isn't as creepy as the Ark rap breaks. One question though: did Trig buy a new Blackberry or did Trig's mommy buy it for him?
4. The line: "...feels like Heelys racing on my spine." (1:18) I'm sorry, that line is brilliant. And age appropriate. That line is pretty much what keeps me from wanting to punch this song repeatedly in the skull.
Now, do I really thing Rebecca Black, Alana Lee, Jenna Rose, and the rest of the Ark automatons are going to rise up and take popular music by force? No. I don't. I think a handful of little girls are going to receive a few extra bucks to throw on top of their trust funds before they graduate from high school, graduate from college with a business degree, and marry their father's divorced golfing buddy, their forays into the music world a faded memory, a fever dream that barely seems real. Patrice Williams will be hiding from the IRS somewhere in Southeast Asia, Triggy--he'll have dropped the "Baby"--will have his own VH1 dating show, and Sadie Black will be a kindly matron who plays the organ and teaches Sunday school. The world will right itself and President Trump will declare war on China. What a beautiful future indeed.
