#4. It's totes easy to get a celebrity to acknowledge you on Twitter.
Twitter-it's a forum where the intellectual elite and the subhumanly stupid meet to discuss important world issues and Justin Bieber. Millions of bored teenagers, sit-com stars, and frustrated blog-writing mandchildren (among others) have embraced Twitter and made it one of the most successful social networking tools of all time. Where else can one read Scott Baio's thoughts on healthcare reform, find a link to Tay Zonday's latest YouTube travesty, and engage in a spirited discussion about the new Tortada sandwich with a Taco Bell representative in a matter of seconds? Only Twitter.
Twitter provides users with intimate access to their favorite Hollywood celebrities, whether those particular celebrities like it or not. Name a star and he/she is probably a dedicated member of the Twitter cult. Tom Hanks? Yep, he's there. TV's Allison Brie? Oh, you better believe she's tweetin'! Saved by the Bell Goes Hawaiian star Dustin Diamond? You bet and guess who he's following? I'll give you a hint: me. And the list goes on and on and on.
With all these Hollywood big-shots and regular Joe Nobodies crowded into one space, there's bound to be some interaction. I've had not one but two of my favorite comedians--Scott Aukerman and Doug Benson--respond to something I've tweeted about them. This is an exception rather than the rule however. Most people never hear from their favorite celebs, no matter how earnestly they tweet declarations of unwavering love and respect. I think this might have something to do with the fact that some celebrities have millions of Twitter followers and therefore don't have the time to respond to each person individually. Plus, I'd venture to say that most film and TV stars have a lot to do and don't have the spare time to type dopey bullshit on the computer all the livelong day that we common folk do, not counting Kevin Smith, of course. Or, maybe celebrities are just asshole jerk pricks. Yeah, that's probably the answer.
For those of you who have grown frustrated with your favorite celebs constant snubbing, I have developed a four-point plan for getting a response from anyone from Ashton Kutcher to Reh Dogg. In the spirit of honesty I must tell you that I have never followed this four-point plan, nor do I ever plan to, I just developed it after months of studying Twitter and its users, and I'm pretty sure it will totally work.
STEP 1: JOIN TWITTER
For some this will seem painfully obvious. For others...eh, not so much. Be aware: if you choose to follow my four-point plan to getting Hollywood celebrities to talk to you via Twitter, you will have to become a Twitter member.
STEP 2: ACQUIRE 9 OR FEWER TWITTER FOLLOWERS
Important: do not exceed 9 followers. If a celebrity sees that you have too many friends, they will shy away from responding to you. I'm not sure why, but I do have some theories.
Theory #1: The celebrity thinks, "This guy (or gal) obviously has a lot of friends. They don't need my jibber-jabber mucking up the tweet stream. I'll just finish up counting my millions of dollars and take the dog out for mimosas. Good for that guy (or gal) for having so many Twitter chums."
Theory #2: The celebrity thinks, "This guy (or gal) has got an army behind him (or her). If I respond in an incorrect fashion, it could mean my career. I think I'll just count my money, take the dog out for mimosas, snort some blow, and yell at someone. I don't want to mess with that guy (or gal)."
STEP 3: FOLLOW YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY ON TWITTER
For the uninitiated: "following" someone on Twitter simply means that whenever said "followee" posts a message to the Twitter Web site, that message will appear in your "Twitter feed."
Example: You decide to follow Jim Carrey. Every time he types the word "BOING" (because that is literally all he ever does), it clutters up your Twitter feed. Easy.
STEP 4: INSULT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY--REPEATEDLY IF YOU CAN
Celebrities can't resist responding to people who hate them. If you shower them with too much love, don't expect anything back. They are surrounded by professional ass kissers all day long, They need another one on the internets now? Of course not, so give them what they so desperately crave: scorn, and heaps of it.
I hope this helps. Now get out there and tweet, damn you!
