Until we meet again, Jean-Philipe

And now the conclusion of Hell's Kitchen... ...right after these messages!

Well, it's all over, gang. We can finally breath a collective sigh of relief and go back to our lives before this Hell's Kitchen season washed over us, soaking us in the brine of triumph, failure, and Crazy Matt's sweat. Gordon Ramsay has picked a winner and who is it? We'll reveal the answer after the following annoyances.

It has been a pretty eh season--not great, but not at all bad. I, for one, am quite excited about the return of Kitchen Nightmares and by next summer I'm sure I'll be chomping at the bit for another extended stay at Ramsays (fake) restaurant. But for now, I'm glad it's over. I can get back to writing that Great American Novel I've been working on for four years now. I can spend some quality time with my cat (I can tell he's feeling neglected--he just doesn't bite me with the same fiery passion anymore). I can take up scrapbooking. I can have a conversation with the wife about our feelings and whatnot. I can get back to filling my life with crappy movie Smack-Downs. I can finally have some me time.

See you next summer, Hell's Kitchen. Until then, fuck off, you doughnut!

Oh, Christina won.

Beauty vs. Beast

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen... Wait. This isn't over yet? Just give someone a job already, Chef Ramsay! Bloody hell!

Actually, Hell's Kitchen has finally found its stride, albeit in the last three or four episodes, but lately I've started remembering why I fell in love with this show in the first place. I've been absent the last two weeks and for that I'd like to apologize to my wife, who I'm fairly certain is the only person who actually reads my Hell's Kitchen posts. Sorry, honey. We're both more into The Next Food Network Star now anyway (did you see that weird-looking chick slip in the kitchen and spill sauce all over herself? Awesome!).

But here we are, the penultimate episode of season four and who are the finalists: Christina and Charlotte's own Petrozza. I'm pleased by this pairing. After all I predicted it three weeks ago (not online, but at work--ask the ladies in my office). On last night's episode, the final chefs planned their menus, picked out wallpaper, and flew to New York City on a private jet to prepare their signature dishes for the executive chefs of all of Gordon Ramsay's (real) restaurants around the world. Thankfully, Petrozza chose not to prepare his world-famous Hen in a Pumpkin.

And who was on hand to congratulate the final two chefs on making it this far in reality TV's most spirit-crushing, dream-shattering, self-confidence-smothering game show? None other than Whoopi Goldberg herself! Wait. Whoopie Goldberg? Why the hell was Whoopi Goldberg there? She literally said nothing! Petrozza seemed pretty awed by her though, so, I don't know, maybe it was fun for him.

Finally, the chefs chose their teams, picking from the rejects of this season. The episode ended on a cliffhanger: who will get stuck with the equally talent/bitchy Jen and who will find themselves cursed with Matty's inability to complete the simplest of tasks? We shall see. Now let's wrap this up, you doughnuts!

Petrozza in the Land of Boobs

Two of my Hell's Kitchen's predictions came true last night:

1. Things ran more smoothly now that Matty is gone.
2. The sexy house-wife cooking class was a rousing (or should I say arousing?) success in as far as it livened the show up a titch.

That isn't to say that things ran perfectly. As is usually the case in Chef Ramsay's (fake) restaurant, when one screw-up leaves, there are two or three in line to take his/her place. Last night Bobby, Jen, and Gentleman Petrozza stepped up to slow things down and screw shit up, thus sending The Dark Lord into several angry tirades and food throwing tantrums. And there were plenty of bleeped insults to go around. In the end, the self-proclaimed Black Gordon Ramsay (the "four star general" to Ramsay's "president"--president of what?--cooking?) was asked to leave.

The highlight of last night's episode though had to be the six surgically enhanced "domestic houswives" Ramsay brought in for the very first Teaching Challenge. This has technically been a season of "very firsts" (pizza challenge, pasta making, cooking relay), but this is the first one that was actually interesting. Maybe it was the dish, a delectable looking lobster spaghetti. Or maybe it was the boobs.

Yeah, it was the boobs. I like MILFs as much as the next pervert and these ladies were the MILF-iest. Petrozza's interaction with his Stay-at-Home Barbie was humorous enough to make even Chef Ramsay crack a smile. Oh, Charlotte's own Petrozza--you filthy little scamp!

Two Become One (or, Full Metal Matty)

Chef Ramsay finally sent poor, pathetic, delusional Matty home. It was long overdue. My prediction is that things will run a whole lot more smoothly now that this rubber-faced, sweat-soaked goofbag is finally gone.

There isn't much to say about this episode: appendages were burned, bloody meat was sent back to the kitchen, Ramsay screamed a lot--typical Hell's Kitchen fare, I'm afraid. I just can't seem to locate my excitement for this show anymore. I was told by some friends that Top Chef is much better, so maybe I'll check that out next season, but for now I'm going to stick it out with Ramsay and Company, just like I did with the Matrix Gang (OMG, those last two Matrix's movies sucked balls!).

The wife and I noticed last night that the two most despised characters on this year's Hell's Kitchen are named Matt and Jen. I don't know about her, but that fact hurt my feelings. Also, the manufactured drama really turned me off last night. Last week's "shocking end," in which Matt was sent back to the men's team and Jen rejoined the ladies in the red kitchen, turned out to not matter at all when the teams were combined. Dumb.

Oh well, next week's Cougar Cooking Class might inject some much needed fun into the proceedings. And if he cleans up his station and washes his hands, I think Charlotte's own Gentleman Petrozza has a good chance of taking it all. Now if I could only find the energy to care.

The Last of Little Louross

Say good-bye to Louross, kids. I knew calling him this year's winner was a longshot, but I had faith in the little guy. I've always been a fan of little things--runts of the litter, Ramiele Malubay, the Keebler elves--so I aimed high. At the time I wasn't aware Louross was incapable of cooking a steak properly. That was my bad. You made me look like a fool, Louross. Thanks a lot!

Matt (fat reality show contestant, not fat blog artiste) doesn't need anybody to make him look like a fool, he does a damn fine job of doing that himself. How he made it to the Top Six I may never figure out, though it may be safe to say that Matty is Ramsay's favorite punching bag in the history of the program. And there's nothing America loves more than watching a sloppy, rubber-faced fat guy don a skintight wetsuit and take a surfing lesson. Anybody agree that the only reason the red team won the Cooking Relay Race Challenge was so Ramsay could see Corey and Christina in bikinis?

Also, I mentioned to my wife last night that none of the contestants are cool this season, you know, like, hip or whatever. Last year's Black Gordon Ramsey, Rock, was edgy and slightly nuts (plus, his name is Rock--C'MON!). Bobby can't even come close to that level of hipness (also, Bobby always looks like he's going to fall asleep during interviews). Rock's competition, Bonnie, was blond, prissy, and cute, but not annoying, a factor that sets her apart from former-enemies/dual-leaders of the red team, Christina and Corey. Plus, remember the tattooed guy? Tattoos! This seasons contestants are catty, sloppy, untalented, or Matt--where's the cool? Sigh.

The Slow Burn of Shame

I fell asleep voting for David Cook last night. I only got through once. Each season Beauty and the Geek tries something new to entice viewers and contestants alike (unfortunately this seasons "a-twist-an-episode" concept led to me abandoning the show). Flavor of Love stays fairly predictable, but it's got Flavor Flav at it's creamy center, so you know something entertaining is going to happen at least once or twice an episode. Even What Not the Wear throws viewers a curveball once in awhile (mother/daughter, husband/wife, etc).

Fox's Hell's Kitchen, on the other hand, keeps things simple, safe, and the same season after bloody season, and it's starting to wear on this fan's reality television dulled nerves. Yet another banal challenge led to another prize we've seen before. Producers tried to create some drama (will Louross add the veal to his dish or will he sacrafice a win on principle alone?), but the episode as a whole was pretty lousy.

Jen (annoying as hell, but probably the most consistent chef) moved to the men's team to fill in the Ben Gap and proved she was the only thing keeping the women's (and Matty) team together, while Matty, proving that last week's string of personal victories was a fluke, proceeded to slice the top of his finger off and repeatedly overcook the beef for some visiting (fake) food critics.

Can I just mention the scallops? I am a huge scallop fan who happens to be spoiled because I am married to the world's premiere scallop chef. The scallops that come out of Chef Ramsay's kitchen appear overcooked to me and we all know the tragedy of overcooked scallops. I don't know...it bothers me is all.

Anyway, get more interesting, Hell's Kitchen!

Clash of the Titans

Archuleta needs you, boo. You couldn't have scripted a better episode of a reality cooking show than last night's (as promised) explosive Hell's Kitchen.

To be honest, it wasn't any more "explosive" than any other episode in the four year history of the program, but it was still pretty good. The Ben vs. Matt(y) conflict reached epic proportions during Ramsay's Fourth Annual Palate-Off. The challenge: trade off naming the ingredients of a classic clam chowder during a blind taste test. The winner: Matt. As much as I've slagged Matt in the past, I couldn't have been happier with his victory. Ben is a smug asshole and it was nice watching him fall further from grace. Plus, the win endeared Matt to his new team.

Ramsay has wanted to send Ben away from day one and last night he finally got his wish. After a disastrous dinner service in which the only stand out was Matt(!), the men's team was collectively placed on the chopping block. In the end, Charlotte's own Petrozza was deemed a "gentleman," Louross said something about staying funky, and Ben (along with his stupid facial hair) was cut from the team, much to the delight of this fat ass...

Poor Matty :(

What a coincidence--Jason Castro stopped caring the same time I did. Why's everybody always picking on Matt? I mean, sure, he's fat, obnoxious, difficult to look at, and a crap chef, but c'mon, cut the guy some slack! His team ignored him at the Farmer's Market ("guys, there's a little supermarket over here"), Bobby pushed him off the fish station (which was totally beyond his ability to control), and Gordon Ramsay told him Louross, the world's tiniest Filipino man, had bigger balls. It was almost enough to make you feel sorry for the big ox. Course, I can't be depressed when it's party time...WOOOOOO!

There's nothing better than a fake Sweet Sixteen to teach a group of amateur cooks how to run a fine dining establishment. Am I right? Do you know a better way? Quiet instruction, perhaps? Constructive criticism? Hell no! It takes yelling, curse words, and trash bin kicking. That's the only way anyone can learn anything as far as I'm concerned.

With the help of Francisco the Offensive Gay Stereotype and some delicious (although at times over- or under-cooked) entrees, the fake party went off without a hitch. The evening was capped off with a performance by Spider Patrol or The Itsy Bitsy Spiders or Spider Something (it could've been Snake Something)...let's just call them Shitty Emo Band #35.

While the teenagers rocked out outside, Ramsay went about the business of removing some dead weight from the real kitchen of his fake restaurant. His choices: plucky Rosann, who undercooked the birthday girl's steak (oh no!); slow-poke Shayna, who Corey believed might be slow because she is so fat (wow, bitch much?); and Matty, the sweaty fat guy nobody loves (awwwwww). In the end, Rosann was told what a disappointment she was to Ramsay, Matt was moved over to the women's kitchen, and Shayna slowly waddled her way to obscurity. I can hardly wait for next week's promised "most explosive episode ever."

Actually, I can probably wait.

Pizza Break!

Quick, somebody call Dr. Spaceman! Paula Abdul is out of purples!

Last night on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay introduced the very first Pizza Challenge. No one can screw up a pizza, right? Then again who thought someone could frack up something as simple as a hamburger like Matt (one of only two remaining fat guys) did last week?

The badly-named Lil' Bit of Italy, Lil' Bit of France pizza earned the women's team yet another victory, beating the men's team's Pizza with Green Stuff and Dirt. And what did the ladies win? 90-dollar hamburgers served with black truffle fries! Now that, Mr. Ramsay, is a prize.Dinner service was completed for the first time last night, even though Rosann forgot that food needs heat to cook properly and Louross, the self-proclaimed "little Filipino man," torched the shit out of some steaks. Nobody was sent home since burn victim Vanessa decided to leave and everyone promised to do better and give 110 percent and blah, blah, blah.
This season's stand-outs (right now):

-Jen: Unfortunately the shows most obnoxious contestant (possibly to date) is also the most competent chef. She's loud, bitchy, and over confident, but she also created last night's winning pizza and the Dark Lord seems to like her, so we shall see.

Charlotte's own Petrozza: Because of some quick thinking on Petrozza's (the other remaining fat guy) part, Louross didn't look like such the food tard. He pulled one over on Ramsay's staff and that has never been done before. Kudos, Trozzy!

This season's jack-slaps (right now and forever more)

Matt: "He knows what he's talking about, but I can't look at him," my wife said as we watched Matt make yet another pained facial expression. This is a guy who is naturally pretty ugly, but can make himself even more grotesque with a simple nose-scrunch or frown. Plus, he's an idiot.

Ben: I've had it with Ben. He's a douchebag of the highest order. He forgot to clean the mushrooms that went on the pizza the men's team presented to Ramsay, giving the women another win and Ramsay a mouthful of dirt. Plus, he had the nerve to tell Louross that his pizza tasted like something you could get at Pizza Shack. I wonder if he was talking about Pizza Shack in Sparks, NV or one of the many Pizza Shack locations in Canada. Pizza Shack?!

The Three Stooges in Kitchen Kut-Ups!

Face it--he's just not that into you. No, I'm not talking about the horrible book that Oprah got all wet over a few years back, I'm talking about Celebri-Chef/Prince of Darkness Gordon Ramsay. "He just doesn't like me," Ben, seen here experiencing the wrath of the Dark One, lamented to America on last night's brand-spanking new, yet oddly familiar, episode of Hell's Kitchen. Awww, don't take it so hard, Benny. Chef Ramsay doesn't like any of you doughnuts.

Ramsay does seem to have a special place in his black heart for Ben though, but can you blame him? He's an arrogant, kiss-ass, high-fiving white guy, who can't tell the difference between a compliment and an insult (though I will admit that is a thin line to walk in Chef Ramsay's kitchen). Ben wasn't the only wannabe chef Ramsay focused on last night, but he was the one that most disappointed Gordon. Craig and Matt were singled out as well and rightfully so. Matt sent raw chicken out to children (children!!!). I like how Ramsay always acts like his contestants are intentionally serving raw meat to the patrons of his fake restaurant. I can only imagine how stressful the whole situation is, but I'm sure Matt wasn't gunning for the toddler with flames painted over his eye last night. It was Craig who was sent home though for the crime of being a complete donkey. Even I can cook pasta, Craig. In the timeless words of GOB Bluth, "C'mon!"

The Manliest Man in the Maniverse

Feast your eyes, America. This is what a real man looks like--grossly overweight, bald, and sporting a scraggly beard on his triple-chin. Witness the way a man hacks apart a chicken! Watch as he effortlessly slides into a hot tub with grace and style! He doesn't do girly stuff like crying or laundry. He cooks! He smokes! He gives up when memorizing the dessert portion of a menu proves to be too difficult.

Jason got his fat ass ejected from Hell's Kitchen last night. I predicted he would continue to fail a couple of weeks ago and I was correct. Thankfully though, Jason had an entire episode to spew misogynistic rhetoric proving himself not only a crappy cook, but a poor representative of the male species as well. Bravo, Fat Stuff!
And don't let this picture fool you. Gordon Ramsey played mind games with an innocent chicken last night. I'm just saying watch your back, Porky.

Petrozza's Second-to-Last Stand

As the old saying goes, 'it's not over until the fat guy says he's done 15 times.' Charlotte's own Petrozza seemed down for the count on last night's continuation of Hell's Kitchen, but black Gordon Ramsay, Bobby, brought him back around. "For some reason Chef Ramsay likes you," he said, drying Petrozza's eyes with his apron. In the end Petrozza finally stumbled through Ramsay's menu and was awarded with a high five from the Dark Overlord himself. And can I just say here that I am continuously flabbergasted by the men's team NOT knowing Hell's Kitchen's menu. How do you not know what you are about to cook and serve to the paying public? And you know Petrozza isn't the only one--it was just pick on the guy who served Gordon Ramsay a cornish hen in a pumpkin night, I think.

It was Sharon who felt Ramsay's wrath however, booted from Hell's Kitchen for being a shitty cook and wagging her tongue around while she worked. Really? This tongue thing bothered Ramsay so much he dubbed Sharon the "female Hannibal Lechter." As far as Ramsay insults go I thought that one was pretty weak. When my father is hard at work, concentrating on something, he will open his mouth and clench his tongue between his teeth. Seeing him do this my entire childhood, I find myself doing it all the time. I will probably pass this oddity onto my child. Is that so weird though? It was time for Sharon to go, but don't blame her tongue waggling, blame that whole can't cook for shit thing.
And what's with Louross encouraging members of the men's team to make love to the halibut they were chopping up into filets (pronounced fil-lets)? The weirdness just keeps coming with this guy, yet, Ramsay is more bothered by a wiggling tongue. I'm sure if Louross had dropped his pants, crawled onto the cutting board, and started thrusting into the cold, moist fish corpse before him, he would have been kissing his jacket good-bye last night. That would never happen, of course, and I'm sorry about the visual I just crammed into your head. Or am I?

Anyway, it was a fairly uneventful episode. The kitchens got a little better, emphasis on the 'little,' and no one stands out yet. My money is actually on Louross right now, but who knows what could happen in the coming weeks. Probably a lot of the same actually. I mean, the men's prize for winning the fish slicing contest was a day on a yacht with Chef Ramsay? That is so 1st, 2nd, and 3rd season.

Fox's Two Hours of Power(s)

I’ve been a little slack in my American Idol updates, and for that I’m sorry. I can’t be everywhere at once, I mean, I’m giving you people my all, but I guess it’s just not enough!

Thank you for indulging me. Anyway, after two weeks of Beatles abuse and an uninspired collection of “songs from the year you were born,” Idol hit a high note (pun totally intended, you guys, OMG!) bringing in Dolly Parton as this year’s first mentor. Did you know Ms. Parton has written 3,000 songs? It’s true—American Idol told me.

Brooke White started the evening off with an okay version of my favorite Dolly Parton tune, Jolene. Kristy Lee Cook, predictably, performed Coat of Many Colors which was, predictably, blah. David Cook, sporting a handsome new haircut, plugged in his axe and wowed the crowd of preteen girls with…

You know what? If anything amazingly mind-blowing occurs on the American Idol stage (Jason Castro bursts spontaneously into flames; David Archuleta leaps into the crowd and begins consuming the brains of his young female fans; Kristy Lee Cook performs well; etc), we’ll let you know. We have more important things to talk about…
Hell’s Kitchen is back…and it’s silly! The opening segment was anyway. I wonder how much input Gordon Ramsay had in the opening fairytale narration, comparing him to a beast and showing his fake LA restaurant coming to life like the titular homestead of Monster House. Plus, Ramsay went undercover as a Hell’s Kitchen contestant in an attempt to learn more about the new crop of loser fat guys, loudmouths, and I Can Cook Barbies. And what a make-up job they did on the surly celebri-chef. He looked like a Eurotrash vampire. You had to be blind or completely self-centered to not realize it was Ramsay, which explains why no one did…except the blind guy!

Nah, there’s not a blind guy, but there are a bunch of new halfwits. I can’t remember any of the names, but let’s talk about some of season 4’s contestants, shall we?

Creepy Stay-at-Home Dad: There was just something off about the first Hell’s Kitchen casualty. He kind of looked like a serial killer or an actor playing the role of serial killer in a movie about a serial killer. Ramsay said he had the passion, but not the skill, but the only thing he seemed to have a passion for was throwing scallops into the trashcan. Sorry, but anyone who wastes scallops is a bastard in my book.

Toilet Brush: We didn’t see a lot of mohawk-sporting Louross (the only name I remember) in the season four opening montage, which could mean he doesn’t make it far. Ramsay usually isn’t a fan of freaks (remember Eddie from last year?), but he had enough confidence in Louross to make him the team captain during the first dinner service.

Fat, Hairy, Sweaty Guy #1: His signature dish: Hen in a Pumpkin. Looked more like Abortion in a Pumpkin.

Sassy Line Cook: She’s no Julia, but she certainly has spunk. She was the only person on the women’s team (or any team, really) that actually got any food out.

Fat, Hairy, Sweaty Guy #2: He’s got one of those flabby-guy beards that made his double chins appear to be crusted with dirt. And where was he as dinner service began? Outside on his fat ass, smoking a cigarette. So far, a failure, and I have confidence that he will continue to fail in new, hilarious ways each week.