I’ve been a little slack in my American Idol updates, and for that I’m sorry. I can’t be everywhere at once, I mean, I’m giving you people my all, but I guess it’s just not enough!Thank you for indulging me. Anyway, after two weeks of Beatles abuse and an uninspired collection of “songs from the year you were born,” Idol hit a high note (pun totally intended, you guys, OMG!) bringing in Dolly Parton as this year’s first mentor. Did you know Ms. Parton has written 3,000 songs? It’s true—American Idol told me.
Brooke White started the evening off with an okay version of my favorite Dolly Parton tune, Jolene. Kristy Lee Cook, predictably, performed Coat of Many Colors which was, predictably, blah. David Cook, sporting a handsome new haircut, plugged in his axe and wowed the crowd of preteen girls with…
You know what? If anything amazingly mind-blowing occurs on the American Idol stage (Jason Castro bursts spontaneously into flames; David Archuleta leaps into the crowd and begins consuming the brains of his young female fans; Kristy Lee Cook performs well; etc), we’ll let you know. We have more important things to talk about…
Hell’s Kitchen is back…and it’s silly! The opening segment was anyway. I wonder how much input Gordon Ramsay had in the opening fairytale narration, comparing him to a beast and showing his fake LA restaurant coming to life like the titular homestead of Monster House. Plus, Ramsay went undercover as a Hell’s Kitchen contestant in an attempt to learn more about the new crop of loser fat guys, loudmouths, and I Can Cook Barbies. And what a make-up job they did on the surly celebri-chef. He looked like a Eurotrash vampire. You had to be blind or completely self-centered to not realize it was Ramsay, which explains why no one did…except the blind guy!Nah, there’s not a blind guy, but there are a bunch of new halfwits. I can’t remember any of the names, but let’s talk about some of season 4’s contestants, shall we?
Creepy Stay-at-Home Dad: There was just something off about the first Hell’s Kitchen casualty. He kind of looked like a serial killer or an actor playing the role of serial killer in a movie about a serial killer. Ramsay said he had the passion, but not the skill, but the only thing he seemed to have a passion for was throwing scallops into the trashcan. Sorry, but anyone who wastes scallops is a bastard in my book.
Toilet Brush: We didn’t see a lot of mohawk-sporting Louross (the only name I remember) in the season four opening montage, which could mean he doesn’t make it far. Ramsay usually isn’t a fan of freaks (remember Eddie from last year?), but he had enough confidence in Louross to make him the team captain during the first dinner service.
Fat, Hairy, Sweaty Guy #1: His signature dish: Hen in a Pumpkin. Looked more like Abortion in a Pumpkin.
Sassy Line Cook: She’s no Julia, but she certainly has spunk. She was the only person on the women’s team (or any team, really) that actually got any food out.
Fat, Hairy, Sweaty Guy #2: He’s got one of those flabby-guy beards that made his double chins appear to be crusted with dirt. And where was he as dinner service began? Outside on his fat ass, smoking a cigarette. So far, a failure, and I have confidence that he will continue to fail in new, hilarious ways each week.
