From the Pages of Skymall-Stupid Sign Edition

Are these angels from Heaven invisible? Like a guardian angel? Are you describing invisible, guardian angels? So, you have no real, visible friends? That's what I thought. I hope you and your three cats enjoy this wall decoration all the days of your lonely, stinky lives.

What if I spent the day eating Sour Cream and Onion potato chips and watching the Law and Order: Special Victims Unit marathon on USA between visits to the internet to look at porn? Are you telling me that was not a day well spent, sir? I beg to differ.
I enjoy singing, especially when people can hear me and I dance like a madman at every wedding I attend (ask the wife) simply because I'm an ego-maniac and I want people to watch me. These so-called encouragement plaques are terrible. Let's add a few more:

-EAT as though you are completely unaware that there are people in this country starving but too poor to do anything about it.

-SWEAR at everyone who deserves it (i.e. everyone).

-KICK that guy who just flirted with you girlfriend in the nuts. Accept Differences (I don't want to)
Be Kind (You can only rent DVDs now anyway, so why?)
Count Your Blessings (I'll think about it)
Dream (Can't help it-we all dream every night-keeps us sane)
Express Thanks (Thank you, everyone I know, for not buying me this stupid Alphabet for Life Plaque)
Forgive (I will never forgive you for this, Skymall)
Give Freely (How about 'get freely?')
Harm No One (Why have kids then?)
Imagine More (More beneficial ways to spend my money? OK. First, do not buy hippy, feel-good encouragement plaques from the Skymall catalogue...)
Jettison Anger (Whatevs)
Keep Confidences (You mean, like, secrets? No way!)
Love Truly (I would truly love to rip this plaque into bits and set it ablaze)
Master Something (How about baiting? I'm sorry.)
Nuture Hope (Get back to me when W's out of office)
Open Your Mind (And let the Devil in? No way, buddy!)
Pack Lightly (That's the first good advice this poster has given--most airlines are charging you for extra bags now)
Quell Rumors (Well, where is the fun in that?)
Reciprocate (Reach-around?)
Seek Wisdom (Watch TV?)
Touch Hearts (Ew--they're all slimy)
Understand (I don't)
Value Truth ([enter your own snarky comment here])
Win Graciously (No deal! I always lose when I play the wife at Upwards, so when I win I get down!)
Xeriscape (huh?)*
Yearn for Peace (Stupid hippy)
Zealously Support a Worthy Cause (Is poking fun at Skymall worthy enough, for that is my cause)


*xeriscaping: environmental design of residential and park land using various methods for minimizing the need for water use.

From the Pages of Skymall-Awesome Apparel Edition

The Dog Whisperer calms ill-tempered dogs, so what does the Fish Whisperer do? Cure badly behaved fish? The only bad thing my goldfish ever did was die three days after I won them at the fair. Can you bring a fish back to life, Fish Whisperer? I didn't think so! WAHHHHH!

Nothing says "I don't care if I ever get laid" more than this Grimace-colored DOGS FOR PEACE sweatshirt. Show everyone down at the public library or the Marshalls two-day sales event that you're an unsexy schlub and proud of it.

1. Careful, or you'll end up in my novel...the novel I've been writing for five years and will never finish. I will die alone in my cubicle, unpublished and unrecognized.

2. Good morning, world! I'm pretentious and douchey!

3. The irony of this shirt is that an actual published author would NEVER wear it.

There's nothing I hate more than adults in footie-pajamas ('cept maybe Hitler). Maybe I'm missing something. A hot girl in footies has no extra special appeal to me and a guy--holy crap--a man in footie-pajamas looks like an escapee from a mental hospital. There is no reason to wear footie-pajamas after the age of six. I do not support this infantilization of America's adult population. Not at all.

From the Pages of Skymall-Summer Fun Edition

Summer is coming to a close, but that doesn't mean you can't start ordering stuff from Skymall in preparation for next year. Woo-hoo!

Wondering if you have a gambling problem? If you got yourself a Floating Blackjack Table odds are good you might need to join a support group. Harmless pool-time fun or symptom of a crippling disease?
When you've just got to let your backyard barbecue guests know you've cooked a steak worthy of Jeff Gordon-The NASCAR BBQ Iron; or, do you have $100 you'd like to waste on a something ridiculous-The NASCAR BBQ Iron.
Cleaning the pool is NEVER fun, that's why most people with backyard pools purchase self-propelled pool-cleaning robots to handle the job. But what if a product came along that gives the ILLUSION that pool cleaning is a rocking good time? And let's say you totally hate your kid, blame him or her for everything bad in your life. Say hello to the Remote Control Pool Skimmer. It kind of looks like a super-rad speedboat, but it's just a pool skimmer and it probably moves very, very slowly. But check out the above picture: Mom and Dad are relaxing, having a chat about their feelings, and there's poor Junior, cleaning the pool with a remote control skimmer. Screw you, Junior! That'll teach you to be conceived accidentally.
Like surfing and drowning rolled into one! Skymall.com says the Subskate offers "hours of (literally) good clean fun," but, seriously, what the hell does that even mean? That young man's face says, "Oh, God, pull me up--I'm drowning!" or, at the least, "Oh, God, this is boring--I wish I was for real surfing." Summer fun!

From the Pages of Skymall-Pet Edition (Part II)

Ever wanted to take your dog on a midnight stroll around the neighborhood or next to a busy highway (what is going on in that picture?)? The Safety LED Lighted Dog Collar makes it possible. And look at the light that thing throws out! Damn! You and your dog could totally become a crime-fighting duo or search for lost miners or help illegal immigrants across the border or blind a hobo or blind a whole bunch of hobos, perhaps crazed hobos who want to break into your cupboard and steal your beans. It could happen.
The Pet Car-Seat, huh? Yeah, I don't see any pet enjoying this for more than negative three seconds. The dog pictured was obviously drugged for this photo shoot. Somebody call PETA.
Check out this Cool Vest for Dogs. 'Cool' in this case means 'the opposite of warm,' because this poor bastard looks anything but 'cool' (ie, hip, happenin', far out), in fact, he totally looks like a dork.
After watching the video I'm convinced that the Litter Robot is a revolutionary product that will change the world of shit-scooping forever. But does it have to look like a robot from a 60's sci-fi B-movie? I mean, it's 2008. Can't litterbox scientists design something more aesthetically pleasing? As usual I must critique this cat product with my own cat, Garbage, in mind. There is no way he would set foot in that thing. It looks like some kind of futuristic death chamber. But, man, it would so make my life easier. And less gross.

From the Pages of Skymall-Pet Edition (Part I)

We've all had those mornings when we just couldn't get out of bed. Maybe you spent the better part of the night before doing keg stands and taking body shots off the faked-tanned bellies of glassy-eyed coeds at Senor Pukes. Perhaps you've woken up to the fact that your life is pathetic and useless and that you'll never amount to anything just like your stepfather told you repeatedly during high school and you can think of no better plan than to stay in bed until you die, alone and unloved. Or maybe someone ran off with your prosthetic legs. Whatever the case, Rover still needs someone to take him outside to drop that first deuce of the morning.

That's when you need the Indoor Dog Restroom! It looks just like your neighbor's front yard, only it's inside where you eat, sleep, and bathe! Now while you sleep one off, your dog can shit and piss to his heart's content...INSIDE!

Nothing lets a potential suitor know to avoid smooching you at all costs then this hilarious trinket for your canine companion.

Hold on. This is another one of those products that kind of confuses me, like, when a young child buys an I LOVE MY DADDY t-shirt for his or her daddy on Father's Day and expects Pops to wear it. So, wait, does Pops love his daddy or...what the hell is actually going on here? What is the I KISS MY DOG ON THE LIPS tag telling us--that your dog has it's own dog which it unapologetically kisses square on the lips? Perhaps a t-shirt for humans is needed to express this sentiment in a clearer manner. If only one existed...sigh. WAIT...one does exist!!!Say hello to the Chatter Talking Pet Bowl. Before you leave for work in the morning just fill the Chatter with your pet's favorite food and record a 10 second message that will play every time your furry friend takes a bite, that way your pet won't feel lonely or abandoned. You know, my cat runs and hides when I crack my knuckles in another room of the house, so I'm thinking hearing my voice coming out of his food bowl every time he decides to have a snack is going to drive him insane. And what message does one record on one of these talking bowls? Dogs might get into it, but I gotta think most cats are going to react like that one above, who seems to thinking, "What the hell is this? I thought I got rid of that asshole for eight hours. Shit!"

Next time: Part 2, featuring the Traveling Pet Seat, the Safety LED Lighted Dog Collar, and Cool Vests for Dogs.

From the Pages of Skymall

Imagine this scenario, if you will:

Redneck #1: Hey, bo, you wanna go fishin' tomorrow mornin'?

Redneck #2: Hell yeah, man!  We'll get up early, pack the truck with some beer, some jerky--man, we'll have us a time out there, shoot!

Redneck #1: Hey, man, you know how tired I get standin' out there all day fishin' and what not. All that standin' up and shit.  You know on second thought, man, jes fergit it.  I ain't gonna stand up all day.  

Redneck #2: Don't worry none 'bout that, you sumbitch.  I got me this new truck hammock. Man, we'll be fishin' in style, like a couple of them millionaires you hear about on the T.V.

Redneck #1: Wait, man, so what yer sayin' is I can sit my fat ass down while I'm fishin'?  I don't gotta stand on the riverbank all day like a queer?

Redneck #2: Exactly.  You ain't never seen nothing like this, man.  You'll think you've died and gone to heaven, I reckon.

Redneck #1: Damn!  Fishin' just got fun again.

Redneck #2: Hey, man, fishin' is life...

Both: ...the rest is just details! 

Redneck #2: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Redneck #1: Hell yeah!

From the Pages of Skymall

Air travel, while fast, is almost always uncomfortable.  You either get stuck sitting next to an unruly infant or some fat, sweaty guy who wants to show you the family photos in his wallet or an elderly woman with a tiny dog in her purse.  I have a hard time sleeping on a plane, mostly because I have a hard time falling asleep in a seated position, plus I won't recline my seat because I feel bad for the passenger behind me.  The wife and I tend to take early flights and while she rests comfortably I'm usually scrunched up against the window trying to adjust myself into a pleasant position.  There's got to be a better way, right?

Well, there's a way, but it's this:
It's called the SkyRest Travel Pillow and it makes those pancake-like pillows the airline attendants pass out look like amateur hour.  I mean, look at that guy?  That guy is resting hard! He's obviously been to a swinging party somewhere exotic (note his Hawaiian shirt, devil-may-care facial hair) and now he's traveling to the next party destination or home to his two bedroom apartment so he can clean up before his ex-wife drops off the kids for the weekend.  With the SkyRest Travel Pillow this middle-aged party animal is able to get the sleep he so desperately needs for any activities planned after his plane lands.Your snazzy-ass travel pillow arrives deflated making it easier to store in your carry-on luggage.  Once aboard, remove the tiny blue packet from your stuff, inflate the bastard, and get down to some serious log-sawin'!  It's just that simple.  Forget the fact that you'll look like a gigantic tool clutching this monstrosity to your chest--you're sleeping in style, brother!