Letter Bombed: A Celebration of Junk Mail

Junk mail! It's something we all have in common. Your neighbors may be dogfight enthusiasts or corpulent swingers who prefer gettin' frisky with the blinds open or (GASP!) Mormons, but at the end of the day, I guarantee, you all find yourself seated in front of your computer screen, bitching to the heavens about the pages upon pages of junk e-mail you've received in the past 24 hours. It usually happens 'round about 9:00 PM. Don't believe me? Lean your head outside at 9 tonight and listen real close and you'll hear a chorus of disgruntled moans you won't soon forget.

GEP, Inc. gets junk mail too. A lot. And I go through it every night. Hey, you never know when a sexy lady listener might decide to send a tasteful nude pic. (For the record, this has never happened.) Most of the junk mail we receive is largely unworthy of its own feature, but these babies are the cream of the crop. Here now is a list of 11 of the best (?) junk mail subject lines from mail we've received in the last two weeks.

1. Sail with These Nickelodeon Stars on Norwegian Cruise Line!

Typically, I'd be content to read a junk mail's subject line, smirk, and erase, but I had to know which Nickelodeon stars I'd see on the shuffleboard court or crooning drunkenly at an after hours karoke contest on the Nickelodeon Cruise. "Please let it be Drake and Josh! Please let it be Drake and Josh!" I prayed. It wasn't Drake and/or Josh. Instead it was two young actors from iCarly who weren't iCarly herself, two young actors from something called Victorious, and SpongeBob Squarepants himself, Mr. Tom Kenny. Hm. Disappointing. Then I remembered that I had vowed to never set foot on another cruise ship ever again following the one, and only, cruise I have ever been on to date. I'm a huge Mr. Show (and shuffleboard) fan, but that ain't enough to get me on the Nick Cruise. Sorry.

2. Free Cheesecake Factory! Details Inside!

Warning: You will not be presented with your very own Cheesecake Factory franchise after completing the included questionnaire. Stupid false advertising!

3. schmuck ht me lke a ngga who done lost hs mnd

E-mail was actually just a guy requesting a loan to purchase a new keyboard as the "I" key on his was mysteriously missing. I don't know why the subject line was so racially charged. Seemed a bit much.

4. You've Won Free Subway Sandwiches for Week! Details Inside

Ugh. No matter what you think, Subway, this is not a prize anybody anywhere wants. Please, can't we all finally come together and let Subway know that their food is terrible? If not for us, let's do it for the children.

5. There?

Included this because it was sent by someone named "Terry Wet."

6. Joseph, Claim your Free Issue of America's favorite magazine!

Poor Joseph. He'll never know how close he was to receiving one free issue of...READER'S DIGEST? THAT'S AMERICA'S FAVORITE MAGAZINE? OH, FUCK YOU, AMERICA!

7. Ron Jeremy reveals his long penis secrets with this

With this what? Medieval sex device? Magic wiener powder? A length of rope and a boulder? I was going to have to click a link to something called naturalpeniscash.ru to find out the answer, so, naturally, I didn't.

8. I challenge you to invent

Who do you think you are challenging me to anything, man! I don't have to follow your rules! Why don't you invent something, like, a shutting up machine or something, man!

9. Let solar panels pay your electric bill

More false advertising. These solar panels are in no position to pay anybody's electric bills. They don't even have jobs. All they do is lounge around in their sweatpants and play Xbox all day long. How are they gonna pay my electric bills when they can't even get a call back from Wal-mart? Lazy ass solar panels. Eating all my Eggos.

10. s getting all the pieces of you that you have cut off. it is not life you choo

I could be wrong, but I think I'm being threatened.

Here's what the actual e-mail said:

our awareness, in your communicating with others. so when you recall a story memory, all your body stores that memory and also those memories associated with them and these also enhance the original...w i’m afraid i’ve lost it. to have true freedom all things have to be free to express, to be, do, say, etc. and anything less is not freedom but control and condition. everything and especially our

I mean, I get it, but, you know, no thanks.

11. T.lTTY

Enough said.

Incidentally, here is what this actual e-mail actually said FOR REAL:

kvr, mxvav. qrlngogj nmvyn nwzizcvr wauzdn q zcxgzz yt foqixgc ap c q.

Powerful stuff.

The Parents Television Council Hates Threesomes!

EW.com reported Tuesday that an entity known as the Parents Television Council published an open letter to CW affiliates all over the country expressing their disgust that an upcoming episode of the popular prime time teen melodrama Gossip Girl will include a graphic depiction of what the French call a "ménage à trois," more commonly known in America as a "threesome" or a "naughty sandwich." The Parents Council feels that airing an episode showcasing a "three-way" or, as it's know in some portions of the deep South, a "slippery biscuit," is both "reckless" and "irresponsible."

I just have one question for the Parents Television Council: Have you ever seen Gossip Girl? The characters on this show have more sexual intercourse before the first station break than I've had in my entire life. Gossip Girl is essentially a show about teenagers having sex with one another in various combinations and in various network appropriate positions. And when they're not banging each other silly, they're lying, backstabbing, drinking, snorting coke, gambling illegally, purchasing multi-million dollar hotels, running political campaigns, and dropping out of Ivy League colleges. I hope you weren't under the impression that until the forthcoming threesome episode, Chuck, Blair, Serena, Nate, Jenny, and Dan were appropriate role models for today's youth. For the love of Ray J, did you see the promotional pic at the top of the page? Taylor Momsen, the girl in the top left corner, is 16-years-old, OK? 16!

I know you don't want to hear this, Parents Television Council, but whether or not your teenage son or daughter is currently "doing it," I guarantee they already know all about threesomes. I didn't need a television program to introduce the concept of how awesome hanging out with two naked hot chicks might be when I was a young man. That shit sort of came natural. TV shows, movies, and rap songs don't plant these deviant ideas in our heads, we do. We're animals--our brains are wired to come up with all sorts of deviant stuff. How else do you explain the Hot Carl?

Listen, PTC, I hear ya, there is a lot of sick shit out there that kids and teens shouldn't have to see until they're older and wiser, but I don't think watching Chuck Bass get a blumpkin from Blair Waldorf or Dan Humphrey drop a Cleveland steamer between Lizzie McGuire's breasts is going to scar them for life any more than your constant drinking and verbal abuse already does. That's right, Parents Television Council, I'm watching you and I do not like what I see.

Letter from an Idiot

(from the News & Observer-Tuesday, March 17, 2009-TV Q&A...for real!)

Q: I have been a sci-fi fan for as long as I can remember. I saw the original "War of the Worlds" with Gene Berry and I saw the remake with C. Thomas Howell. In the past few years, I have seen in TV listings a version starring Tom Cruise; every time I see it scheduled, I tune in, and the C. Thomas Howell version comes on. Then I recently saw a newspaper interview in which Dakota Fanning said how much she enjoyed making "The War of the Worlds" with Tom Cruise. Did he really make a version of it? --Bobbie West, Stanton, Calif

A: No, Bobbie, he didn't. It's all a conspiracy to drive you to insanity and Dakota Fanning is in on it.

Of course there's a version of War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise, you dimwit! What's wrong with you? You had to write a letter to the newspaper to find this out? Just turn on your computer or leave your house sometime. Were you aware we elected a new president? It was a pretty historic moment. You should look into it.

As further proof of the existence of a War of the Worlds featuring Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning, I'm including this picture:
I did not use Photoshop to create this photo, Bobbie. This is an honest to goodness still from Steven Spielberg's film, which was a box office hit, by the way. Were you in a coma during the summer of 2005? Geez!

You know, Bobbie, you're worse than those morons who call into the Allan Handelman Show when his guest is the TVShowsOnDVD.com guy. People actually call to ask this guy if and when their favorite TV shows are coming out on DVD. This dude then goes to his Web site, performs a quick search, and passes the information on to the caller. I'm serious, Bobbie. The phone lines are jammed when this guy is on the show! Rather than sit down at their home computer and do the five second research themselves, people call a talk show to have someone else do it for them. WTF?!

In conclusion, while it may be difficult to obtain a copy of Spielberg's War of the Worlds if your town doesn't have a Blockbuster Video, Best Buy, Wal-mart, Target, K-mart, internet access, or a Chinese guy selling bootlegs on a street corner, if you can get your hands on one, I think you'll really like it seeing as you've been a sci-fi fan for so long and all. Hope this helps.

Idiot.