Junk mail! It's something we all have in common. Your neighbors may be dogfight enthusiasts or corpulent swingers who prefer gettin' frisky with the blinds open or (GASP!) Mormons, but at the end of the day, I guarantee, you all find yourself seated in front of your computer screen, bitching to the heavens about the pages upon pages of junk e-mail you've received in the past 24 hours. It usually happens 'round about 9:00 PM. Don't believe me? Lean your head outside at 9 tonight and listen real close and you'll hear a chorus of disgruntled moans you won't soon forget.GEP, Inc. gets junk mail too. A lot. And I go through it every night. Hey, you never know when a sexy lady listener might decide to send a tasteful nude pic. (For the record, this has never happened.) Most of the junk mail we receive is largely unworthy of its own feature, but these babies are the cream of the crop. Here now is a list of 11 of the best (?) junk mail subject lines from mail we've received in the last two weeks.
1. Sail with These Nickelodeon Stars on Norwegian Cruise Line!
Typically, I'd be content to read a junk mail's subject line, smirk, and erase, but I had to know which Nickelodeon stars I'd see on the shuffleboard court or crooning drunkenly at an after hours karoke contest on the Nickelodeon Cruise. "Please let it be Drake and Josh! Please let it be Drake and Josh!" I prayed. It wasn't Drake and/or Josh. Instead it was two young actors from iCarly who weren't iCarly herself, two young actors from something called Victorious, and SpongeBob Squarepants himself, Mr. Tom Kenny. Hm. Disappointing. Then I remembered that I had vowed to never set foot on another cruise ship ever again following the one, and only, cruise I have ever been on to date. I'm a huge Mr. Show (and shuffleboard) fan, but that ain't enough to get me on the Nick Cruise. Sorry.
2. Free Cheesecake Factory! Details Inside!
Warning: You will not be presented with your very own Cheesecake Factory franchise after completing the included questionnaire. Stupid false advertising!
3. schmuck ht me lke a ngga who done lost hs mnd
E-mail was actually just a guy requesting a loan to purchase a new keyboard as the "I" key on his was mysteriously missing. I don't know why the subject line was so racially charged. Seemed a bit much.
4. You've Won Free Subway Sandwiches for Week! Details Inside
Ugh. No matter what you think, Subway, this is not a prize anybody anywhere wants. Please, can't we all finally come together and let Subway know that their food is terrible? If not for us, let's do it for the children.
Ugh. No matter what you think, Subway, this is not a prize anybody anywhere wants. Please, can't we all finally come together and let Subway know that their food is terrible? If not for us, let's do it for the children.
5. There?
Included this because it was sent by someone named "Terry Wet."
6. Joseph, Claim your Free Issue of America's favorite magazine!
Poor Joseph. He'll never know how close he was to receiving one free issue of...READER'S DIGEST? THAT'S AMERICA'S FAVORITE MAGAZINE? OH, FUCK YOU, AMERICA!
7. Ron Jeremy reveals his long penis secrets with this
With this what? Medieval sex device? Magic wiener powder? A length of rope and a boulder? I was going to have to click a link to something called naturalpeniscash.ru to find out the answer, so, naturally, I didn't.
8. I challenge you to invent
Who do you think you are challenging me to anything, man! I don't have to follow your rules! Why don't you invent something, like, a shutting up machine or something, man!
9. Let solar panels pay your electric bill
More false advertising. These solar panels are in no position to pay anybody's electric bills. They don't even have jobs. All they do is lounge around in their sweatpants and play Xbox all day long. How are they gonna pay my electric bills when they can't even get a call back from Wal-mart? Lazy ass solar panels. Eating all my Eggos.
More false advertising. These solar panels are in no position to pay anybody's electric bills. They don't even have jobs. All they do is lounge around in their sweatpants and play Xbox all day long. How are they gonna pay my electric bills when they can't even get a call back from Wal-mart? Lazy ass solar panels. Eating all my Eggos.
10. s getting all the pieces of you that you have cut off. it is not life you choo
I could be wrong, but I think I'm being threatened.
Here's what the actual e-mail said:
I mean, I get it, but, you know, no thanks.
11. T.lTTY
Enough said.
Incidentally, here is what this actual e-mail actually said FOR REAL:
Powerful stuff.
