Oh, before we forget...

APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!

(you should totally see your face right now)

A New Era Begins 4/1/2012!!!

I've been bitching and moaning in an entertaining fashion about pop culture for 4 years now on the pages of Giant Electric Penguin and, frankly, I've grown tired of the whole endeavor. I'm 33-years-old, for Crom's sake. All that snark? Sheesh. And apparently I can't even type a sentence without shoehorning some nerdy reference into it. I hate me sometimes.

Anyway, in the word's of Michael Joseph Jackson, I'm gonna make a change, hee-hee. From this moment forward, Giant Electric Penguin is turning its back on the Snookis and Situations of the world and focusing solely on silly cat pictures, like this one:

And this one:
And this one:
There aren't enough silly cat picture sits on the internet, so, I'm throwing my hat into the ring. I wish I could say these last 4 years have been fun, but they haven't. All of the terrible television I've watched. All of the awful movies I've subjected myself to. All of the horrible, horrible music I've shared with my readers. And don't even get me started on my extremely unpopular The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week series. Did you know I once included a story about a woman chopping her infant in half with a samurai sword? What's wrong with me?

So, tell your friends the good news: Giant Electric Penguin is a funny cat picture site now, safe for families, babies, and the elderly. Hipsters are still welcome. Shut-ins are encouraged to submit their cat pictures. Let's make the next 4 years a fun, furry adventure, guys! Cats!!!

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Cats Images Cute Kittens Wallpaper

Check out our nice variety of Free Wallpaper cute cat comments, profile, page and glitter graphics. Cats backgrounds MySpace, Facebook, Bebo, MyYearBook.Cats Big Myspace Cats Big dark Cats Big blogger Cats Big grab Cats Big great Cats Big weekend Cats Big awesome Cats Big friends Cats Big layouts Cats.BEST Scroll Cat & Kittens graphics! Cute Cats Graphics! Kitten Graphic! Cat Graphics For MySpace! Cute Kittens Graphics!

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Animals is Gettin' Pissed

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." -Genesis 1:26 (NIV)

When God put us in charge of all the animals on this planet, I'm sure He meant for us to treat them with a certain level of respect and care that, as of late, seems to have been summarily tossed out the proverbial window. How else do you explain Michael Vick being invited back into the NFL or the current debate going on in our nation's highest court, sparked in large part by the hot new trend in animal abuse, crush videos?

When did we decide that animals don't matter? Sure, God made cows delicious and bunny rabbits just perfect for pulling out of fancy hats, but what gives with all the casual cruelty? Do you really want your kid looking up to a man who once sponsored vicious dog fights on his own property and was personally responsible for the executions of dogs who "under performed?" Is this a guy you want hocking running shoes on TV or gracing the cover of your Wheaties box? A lot of people, including immediate family members of mine, have forgiven Vick for his past indiscretions, but I haven't and I won't. I can't wrap my head around any dog lover welcoming Vick back to football with open arms. Michael Vick is a murdering bastard and no amount of public apology and anti-dog fighting community service efforts will ever make me feel any different. And I'm a cat person, for God's sake!

It should come as no surprise that the animal kingdom is all kinds of pissed off. They're sick and tired of being crushed by high-heeled shoes, locked up in uncomfortable cages, and forced into mortal combat with their brothers and sisters for sport. They're taking a stand and I, for one, intend to stand alongside them. In fact, the battle has already begun in Pennsylvania:

A 37-year-old Pennsylvania woman died Sunday after being mauled by her pet black bear, authorities said.

Kelly Ann Walz was attacked when she entered the bear's cage to feed the 350-pound animal and clean its cage, according to Pennsylvania State Police. The bear lived in a 15-by-15-foot steel and concrete enclosure on Walz's property in Ross Township.

Am I glad Mr. Walz was torn apart and killed by her "pet" black bear? Of course not. Did she deserve it? Probably not, but she was most assuredly asking for it. A black bear is not a pet. It is a wild fucking animal born to roam the lush forests of the American wilderness, not to be caged alongside tigers and lions in some looney's backyard. Not for nothing, but Walz was gonna lose her life to at least one of these animals, the bear just had the balls to do it first. I don't care what kind of connection you think you have with a bear--given the opportunity, it will kill you dead. Haven't you seen Grizzly Man? Listen, if you decide to keep a pet bear, it ain't gonna be long before things go from this:

To this:

Nuff said!

Bears have sounded the battle horn, but who will heed their cry? Will you, dogs? Will it be you, mighty Bengal tiger. Chinchillas, are you prepared to stand alongside your brothers and cry "Freedom!"

If you ask me, I think it's up to the cats. Every week I read another story about a cat being tortured and killed, like this one, also out of Pennsylvania (WTF, Pennsylvania?!):

Even after a 6-week-old kitten was pelted with stones and set on fire in a Chester alley Saturday afternoon, it didn't lash out. The brown tabby greeted Dave Schlott, a Delaware County animal control officer, by climbing up his shirt and snuggling against his neck.

"It was cuddling, so I thought I'd name it Cuddles," Schlott said. "It was a really, really good-natured kitten."

Cuddles was being treated at Old Marple Veterinary Hospital, where he was initially expected to make a quick recovery.

But the kitten took a turn for the worse and died yesterday morning.

Regular readers of this blog know that I am a fervent cat lover, so it should come as no surprise that this story breaks my heart. Cuddles must be avenged, cat army! There is no way around it. The "10 to 15 teenagers" huddled around Cuddles pelting him with rocks and setting him on fire must be brought to justice. 15 against 1 is not a fair fight and the dickless fuckwads responsible for this crime deserve nothing more than to be consumed alive by a mob of hungry feral barn cats.

When the Good Lord put mankind in charge of the beasts of the field and birds of the air, I don't think He meant for us to treat them as our own personal punching bags. I'm not an anti-meat hippy or anything, I'm just a decent human being sick to death of the wanton cruelty laid upon the animals we share this planet with and those in positions of authority who seem utterly indifferent to it. I'm glad the animals are fighting back. I hope they kick mankind's ass.

30 Days of Disney: The Three Lives of Thomasina (1964)

Before this feature, I had never heard of The Three Lives of Thomasina. Upon learning of its existence--I believe the nice folks at Netflix recommended it based on some of the selections I've made as of late--I knew it had to be a part of the 30 Days of Disney. Of course, I assumed it would be a perfect storm of schmaltz and goofiness, and therefore, a helluva lot of fun to rip to shreds with my razor-sharp sarcastic wit. Yes, Thomasina was to provide me with yet another opportunity to saturate Giant Electric Penguin with more of my seemingly never-ending supply of snark.

Unfortunately for you, dear reader, I kind of totally loved it. No snark today, sir.
My viewing experience didn't start out as a love-fest. As the opening credits rolled, a cutesy song about the titular orange kitty brought a smile to my grizzly cheeks (Damn, I need to shave. I am so lazy!). I stopped grinning, however, when the credit "And Elspeth March as the voice of Thomasina" popped up on screen. "Thomasina talks?" I said to the empty room I spend nearly 99.9% of my time in when I'm not warding off suicidal thoughts at the office or taking a dump. I thought the "real" animals talking thing was a fairly recent, completely ill-advised, addition to the wonderful world of Disney, but here we were in 1964 with a talking damn cat. I prepared myself for the worst.

Turns out, Thomasina is the film's narrator. She never actually opens her mouth and says anything. Plus, she speaks with a thick Scottish brogue. I was, for the moment, placated.

Then, literally, the first thing out of Thomasina's mouth (brain?) is a reference to her eventual murder. "Thomasina gets murdered?" I said aloud. The resulting echo proved how truly alone I was and I wept bitterly into the Carolina Panthers blanket I received as a Christmas present last year.

Thomasina's murder--and I assure you, she is murdered...sort of--turns out to not be that big a deal as far as murders go. Spoiler alert: the murder doesn't take. She comes back to life, in fact, she comes back to life fairly quickly.

The truth is, while Thomasina is totally cute (she could be the twin of my own cat, Garbage), her presence in the film serves merely as a catalyst for a whole bunch of totally delightful--and, sometimes, surprisingly dark--shit. I could easily describe the plot at this point--and I may in a forthcoming entry at the Movie Penguin blog--but I would rather you see it for yourself. Plus, I haven't been describing the plots of the movies on this list as much as I've just been cracking jokes at their expense. The Three Lives of Thomasina is worth your time. No joke.

Warning: Thomasina is not for hipster cynics, rabid atheists, people who hate cats, children, and/or the Scottish, or people without tear ducts.
My favorite part: the funeral procession and eventual funeral for Thomasina; any scene between Lori MacGregor, the "witch" of the glen, and Geordie, the good-natured ginger kid.

An observation: Susan Hampshire, who plays Lori, is absolutely gorgeous. She appears in a DVD extra called "Disney's Beautiful Witch," and I've got to say, for an elderly woman, she's still got it.

Arbitrary Grade: A-

Singin' Kitties

Is there any better way to kick off a three-day weekend than auto-tuned cats? I don't think so.