1. Little People, Big World: Mercifully, the tedious three episode Matt Roloff D.U.I. Trial is over, and romance is in the air. Zach has a new love interest and she's...tall! Last week, little-twin Zach attempted to impress his lady-love by beating his little brother in a two-man soccer game. Oooooh--the girls love it when you can beat a toddler at sports. They also like it when you sit on the other side of the room from them while spending "alone time" together.
The new Zach-likes-a-non-dwarf-girl story line is awkward and cute. It has rekindled my interest in a show last season's "Let's watch the Roloffs go on multiple vacations" story arc had diminished.
Let me know if I'm off base here, but wouldn't it be festive to have some TLC promos tonight featuring Matt Roloff in a green velvet jacket, emerald bowler hat, and short pants, dancing around a little pot of gold? Actually, that's terrible and I'm ashamed. I love Matt Roloff. Come on, the dude was an Ewok! As was the star of our next suggestion.
2. Willow: Holy crap, who doesn't like Willow?!? I saw Willow twice in the theaters when it first came out. That shit was off the chain! I closed my eyes both times when the witch turned all those dudes into pigs. I rented it years later as an adult and after a lengthy internal struggle I decided to keep my eyes open during the pig scene. As the credits rolled I wanted nothing more than to travel back in time and kick elementary school Matt's pussy ass! Willow is kind of like Lord of the Rings-lite, but until the world was given the gift of Peter Jackson's masterpiece, Willow filled in nicely. Val Kilmer before he got fat and weird, Ron Howard before he made not-very-good Oscar winning flicks, and Warwick Davis before he became a rhyme spouting freak in the Leprechaun franchise. Speaking of Leprechaun...
3. Leprechaun, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun in the Hood, Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood: I realize now that this post is both offensive and wrong. Just because leprechauns are little and dwarves are little, I should suggest people watch films and television programs featuring little people in prominent roles? Well, at least these movies involve an actual leprechaun...if only they were good. Sigh. How can a movie about a Leprechaun in space possibly be bad though? I mean, Pinocchio went to space and that was a lot of fun...wait?
I've actually only ever seen the first Leprechaun movie. I hated it, but it scared enough people (Garth Algar, etc.) to justify making 5 sequels, at least in the filmmakers' minds. It's sad to think Warwick Davis went from playing Wicket the Ewok and Willow Ufgood to this, but when you think about it, it's perfectly understandable. I mean, he's a little person. Who is he gonna play? Abe Lincoln? Probably not. He pops up in better things now and again though, but it's St. Patrick's Day, so skip Harry Potter, crack a 40, snuggle down next to your biatch, and take in the splendor that is Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood.
4. Sodomania: Slop Shots 4: Bridget Powerz (Only the A-Hole 7, Cap'n Mongo's Porno Playhouse), better known to the public as Bridget the Midget, stars in this playful romp full of songs, puppets, and...actually, I've never seen this movie, but I'm pretty damn sure there is nothing playful about it. Slop shots? I don't know what a slop shot is and I'd be fine if I lived my whole life and never found out. One thing is for sure though, Bridget the Midget has shown us that even little people need love. And the occasional anal gangbang.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
