This Week in Instant View: 3/27-4/2

Let's face it: anyone who matters is a Netflix subscriber. The only acceptable excuses for not being one are 1) you don't own a television, 2) your chosen religion rejects entertainment in all of its unholy forms, 3) you're convinced that Netflix is the brainwashing tool of a corrupt government, or 4) you don't have a face. Everyone else: what are you waiting for? Sign up for Netflix already, you dummies!

Let me get something straight: I am not being paid by Netflix to write any of this--although I probably should be. I'm just a fan of film and television who is more than a little blown away (i.e. a lot blown away) by the amazing selection of movies and TV shows one can view instantly when one becomes a member of the Netflix family. Oh, you haven't heard? No more must you choose a DVD and spend 48 grueling hours waiting at your mailbox for it to arrive. Now, through the magic of instant viewing, you can watch whatever you want* RIGHT THEN AND THERE! Yes, Netflix "instant viewing," as it's widely know, makes watching your favorite movies and TV shows as easy as flipping a light switch, threading a needle, or taking a dump on an airplane.

There is a down side to instant viewing however. With so many choices, you may find it difficult to decide what to watch. Or, you may find a movie that seems worth watching, only to learn, sometimes mere minutes into it, that you've made a horrible error in judgement. That's why GEP is introducing the brand-new feature, This Week in Instant View. Every Sunday, we'll let you know what to check out and what to avoid, and we'll do it for FREE! And don't fret, non-Netflix users, This Week in Instant View is for you too. The movies and TV shows recommended are probably available at your local Blockbuster Video Store... BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh shit, I could hardly get through that. Just sign up for Netflix already! Sheesh! It's 2011!

(Movies and TV shows discussed were available for instant viewing as of this writing)

CHECK IT OUT!

Severance (2006): The sales staff of the European arm of Palisade, an international weapons development firm, trudges off into the dark forests of Hungary for a team building weekend. It isn't long, however, before a cadre of gun-toting psychopaths descend upon them, picking them off one after the other. And it's hilarious! No, really. Watch this:

Nothing like an accidentally airplane takedown to get me gigglin'.

AVOID IT!

Altered (2006): One-half of the team that brought you The Blair Witch Project is back with more bad acting and copious amounts of toilet language. Hey, I don't mind swearing--I do it myself from time to damn time--but it starts to sound as if you lack ideas when you fill up the gaps in your screenplay with "fucks" and "shits." I mean, these dudes have plenty to swear about. When they were teenagers, four rednecks whose names I don't remember and don't care enough to look up, were abducted by aliens ([NOT REALLY A] SPOILER ALERT: There were five, but one died. Aw.) and subjected to embarrassing and agonizing tests. Years later, three of the rednecks trek back out to the abduction site and nab themselves one of their extraterrestrial torturers. They transport the thing to the fourth redneck's house--which he has turned into a well-lit fortress full of various weapons and heavy duty tools--and, well, gory wackiness ensues. I am aware that on paper this sounds great, but it's not. Nothing makes any sense (Why are the aliens still hanging out on Earth in the same spot?), the characters are so stock and screamy that it's hard to work up any kind of emotion--good or bad--when they meet their inevitable demises, and, as I mentioned, all that swearing.

ALSO WORTH CHECKING OUT!

-The first season of FX's Archer.

-X-Files Season 1-Episode 11: "Eve" (A creepy self-contained episode about evil cloned little girls.)

-And, yes, the rumors are, in fact, true: all 8 seasons of The Cosby Show are available to view instantly on Netflix. You could literally have your own Peter-Thon if you wanted to.

*Well, not WHATEVER you want.