I walk roughly one-mile-and-a-half to and from my place of employment every single day. In the fall and winter months, when the air is crisp and one can feel the slightest nip at one's nose--as if Jack Frost himself is playfully chewing upon your face (perv!)--the walk can be quite pleasant. In the spring, it depends. In Summer, the walk is a grueling death march, a self-torture I endure because of a lifetime of "snack attacks." "You did this to yourself," I grumble to myself. "Don't go blaming that innocent red-haired girl and her daddy's delicious square hamburgers. They didn't force that food down your throat" But no matter the weather, I walk. And some days, I'm joined by what can only be describe as the dregs of humanity. These are their stories. Or, rather, my stories. But, actually, they are my recollections of the experiences we've shared on the long road to nowhere. Well, it's their long road to nowhere anyway. I was just trying to get to work (or my car) and these creeps got in my way or whatever. And recollections are stories, right? So these are some stories. Gah!
1. Matt and The Lady with Every Problem in the World Ever
Typically, I walk with headphones jammed in my ears, but on one particular day, not long ago, I was without musical accompaniment on my stroll back to the car. The walk proceeded without incident until I was but a mere block from my vehicle--I could see it in the near distance--when I saw her: a woman in her forties, confusedly shuffling around the bus stop. I initially made it past her--cue sigh of relief--but then an unexpectedly loud and commanding voice froze me in my place.
"Sir, may I speak with you real quick?" she asked with all the confidence of a keynote speaker at a Public Speaking Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
"As long as it's quick," I said, believing she was only going to ask for directions. She didn't look disheveled or mentally disturbed. She only look confused. Little did I know that this lady, who I will call "Fran," was currently experiencing EVERY PROBLEM IN THE WORLD EVER. Let's count them down, shall we?
1. She had just been released from police custody.
2. Her babies--of which she claimed to have four, though was accompanied by exactly none--had to sleep on the concrete. ("And you know babies can't sleep on the concrete," she informed me. As a dad-to-be, I appreciated this advice.)
3. She had diabetes.
4. She had only had a small bag of assorted Planter's nuts to eat all day. (She showed me the half-empty bag as proof.)
5. Her ID had been stolen by an individual who had also tried to murder her.
6. SOMEONE HAD TRIED TO MURDER HER!
7. She needed exactly twenty dollars. ("Or ten dollars if that's all you think you can do.")
"I don't carry cash," I told her--because I don't--and I turned to leave. "Fran" was not finished with me however.
"That's OK. There's a bank right up here. We can walk over there together and you can get the money out for me."
"I actually don't have any way of getting you any money out of any ATM," I told her--because I don't.
"Well, that's OK. When I was six-years-old I fell in love with Jesus and He's never let me down. You have a blessed day." And with that, she disappeared. I'm serious. It was, like, some leprechaun shit.
2. Matt and The Guy Who Hates His Ex-Wife and Lives in the Park
I met a man one morning--let's call him "Karl"--who needed directions to the court house. I could've easily just given him the directions and scurried away, but instead I said, "You're in luck: my office is right next door to the court house," and then gave him the directions, and tried to scurry away. He took my "right next door" comment as an invitation to become my walking buddy. As we walked--he matched my brisk, 'please-leave-me-alone-weirdo" pace--I got to know "Karl" more than I really needed to. First, I learned he was on his way to court because he might have beaten up his ex ("I didn't do nothing to that bitch!"). Next, he explained to me how much he hated the city of Raleigh. ("All this construction! Why can't I get a construction job? It's all who you know! It's not fair! I hate Raleigh!"). Lastly, we spoke of his current living arrangements. ("I live in a tent in Durham." I don't know how he got to Raleigh. Didn't want to know). I found a break in his weird, mumbly rant and explained that I needed to go a different route that day for, um, religious reasons, and left "Karl" to continue mumbling to himself.
3. Matt Narrowly Avoids a Shirtless Weirdo
Saw this guy today walking down the street shirtless carrying an armload of clothing. At first I thought he was wearing a wrinkled, peach-colored shirt, but, nope, he was just lumpy and shirtless. We did not get acquainted.
