1. It's been one week since the tragic death of world-famous polar bear Knut, yet the mourning continues. And why shouldn't it? It's not like anything else is going on, right? SHEESH! IT WAS ONE POLAR BEAR, PEOPLE! I KNOW YOU VISITED HIM WHEN HE WAS A PRECIOUS LITTLE CUB, NEWT GINGRICH, AND, THEREFORE, HIS PASSING AS HIT YOU ALL THE HARDER, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE POLAR BEARS WHO DON'T HAVE A CUSHY ZOO GIG? BECAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING, POLAR BEARS ARE NOT ONLY LOSING THEIR NATURAL HABITAT AT AN ALARMING RATE, BUT BECAUSE OF FOOD SHORTAGES, MANY HAVE TURNED TO CANNIBALISM. CANNIBALISM!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? CUTE LITTLE PRECIOUS POLAR BEARS ARE FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER! THAT IS HORRIFYING!
Now, I'm not saying we should shove every polar bear we can get our grubby hands on into an animal prison...er, I mean, zoo (sorry), but we've gotta do something.
And PETA: SHUT UP! WHY DON'T YOU WAIT UNTIL ALL THE FACTS ARE IN BEFORE YOU START SPOUTING OFF ABOUT HOW CRUEL KNUT WAS TREATED AT THE BERLIN ZOO AND HOW BEING HOUSED WITH THREE BITCHY LADY POLAR BEARS WAS GETTIN' HIM DOWN. WRONG!!! KNUT HAD A BRAIN PROBLEM. THAT'S ALL. HE HAD AN EPILEPTIC SEIZURE AND HE DROWNED. STILL SAD, BUT NOT CRUEL, UNLESS YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD OR SOMETHING GAVE KNUT EPILEPSY AS SOME SORT OF CRUEL JOKE. THAN GOD'S THE CRUEL ONE, NOT THE FINE PEOPLE AT THE BERLIN ZOO. UGH.
2. So, some woman at work left a note in my mailbox this week, a note with a question, a question that she ended with THREE QUESTION MARKS! THREE QUESTION MARKS? REALLY? COULD YOU HAVE BE MORE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT LITERALLY TOOK ME A MINUTE TO FIX??? (After taking care of the "problem," I wrote the following response to her question and put it in her mailbox: "Simple mistake!!!" True story.)
3. Apparently, Lindsay Lohan has decided to drop the "Lohan" from her name and from this moment on be known simply as "Lindsay." I guess she's trying to separate herself from her lunatic father or her criminal past or something. WHAT, LINDSAY, YOU SAW ALL THE COVERAGE JAPAN WAS GETTING AND YOU GOT JEALOUS? "WHAT CAN I DO TO GET BACK IN THE NEWS? I KNOW, I'LL DROP MY LAST NAME AND GET MY MOM TO COMPARE ME TO OPRAH AND BEYONCE IN THE NATIONAL MEDIA." SERIOUSLY, NO ONE CARES. AND ALSO, WHY IS THIS NEWS ANYWAY? JAPAN IS DESTROYED, WE'RE BOMBING THE BALLS OUT OF LIBYA, AND A FAMOUS POLAR BEAR DIED, AND I'VE GOT TO READ ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN'S LATEST DUMB STUNT TO SALVAGE HER DUMB FLAILING CAREER? SHUT UP! (I'm not really that enraged over this, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Lindsay in that white dress. Hot, right?)
4. Did you see the latest Bigfoot video? Here it is for your viewing "enjoyment."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS THE SINGLE DUMBEST THING I'VE SEEN SINCE THE LAST "REAL" BIGFOOT VIDEO I WATCHED, WHICH WAS THIS ONE INCIDENTALLY:
Worst part about the latest Bigfoot video: THE GUY IS FROM MY HOME STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA. I HOPE THE GORILLA SUIT YOU RENTED DIDN'T GET STAINED OR TORE UP WHEN YOUR BUDDY LUMBERED OFF INTO THE WOODS. THERE'S PROBABLY A PRETTY HEFTY FEE TO GET THAT DRY-CLEANED. AND NICE OMINOUS GROWL. UGH.
5. Remember when Victoria Jackson was funny? Me neither. Victoria Jackson has come a long way from her days on SNL. Not only is she an actress and "comedian," she is also a "uke player, wife, mother, ex-gymnast, Jesus-follower and new grandmother." Wow, she's got a lot on her plate. Of course, that didn't stop her from banging out a racially insensitive, homophobic screed last Friday on WorldNetDaily. The article, titled "The Muslims Next Door," somehow moves from talking about the new magazine for Muslim women to bitching about the "victory mosque" at Ground Zero to the same-sex kiss on a recent episode of Glee. Here are some excerpts along with my commentary (my words are the bolded-n-capitalized ones):
Why do liberals embrace Shariah law even though "beheading your wife" seems to go against the feminist movement's mantra?
DO THEY? I'M AS LIBERAL AS THEY COME AND I'VE NEVER THOUGHT "IT'S A GOOD THING PEOPLE IN CERTAIN CULTURES THINK IT'S OKAY TO BEHEAD THEIR WIVES. TAKES ALL KINDS TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND." NEVER!!! THAT'S SICK! IDIOT!
I try to stay away from violence, and I wouldn't even be thinking about Islam except that they keep jumping in front of my face. No one talked about Islam when I grew up. How did they all suddenly appear in America?
I THINK MUSLIM PEOPLE HAVE RESIDED IN AMERICA FOR QUITE AWHILE, VICKY.
DO THEY? I'M AS LIBERAL AS THEY COME AND I'VE NEVER THOUGHT "IT'S A GOOD THING PEOPLE IN CERTAIN CULTURES THINK IT'S OKAY TO BEHEAD THEIR WIVES. TAKES ALL KINDS TO MAKE THE WORLD GO 'ROUND." NEVER!!! THAT'S SICK! IDIOT!
I try to stay away from violence, and I wouldn't even be thinking about Islam except that they keep jumping in front of my face. No one talked about Islam when I grew up. How did they all suddenly appear in America?
I THINK MUSLIM PEOPLE HAVE RESIDED IN AMERICA FOR QUITE AWHILE, VICKY.
IF YOU'RE THE NEXT MUSLIM TO JUMP IN FRONT OF VICTORIA JACKSON'S FACE, DO US ALL A FAVOR AND TELL HER TO KISS MY ASS!
And speaking of Baptists … why can't the "good, peaceful Muslims" denounce the actions of the "bad, violent" Muslims? I'm Baptist, and I denounce the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church. They are not living the way Jesus taught – but the opposite. Maybe, just maybe the "good" Muslims approve of what the "bad" Muslims are doing! Maybe they are celebrating it, funding it and cheering them on.
GOOD, PEACEFUL MUSLIMS DENOUNCE THE ACTIONS OF THE ANGRY ISLAMIC TERRORISTS ALL THE TIME. TURN THE TV ON ONCE IN AWHILE, YOU DUMB BUNNY!
And speaking of Baptists … why can't the "good, peaceful Muslims" denounce the actions of the "bad, violent" Muslims? I'm Baptist, and I denounce the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church. They are not living the way Jesus taught – but the opposite. Maybe, just maybe the "good" Muslims approve of what the "bad" Muslims are doing! Maybe they are celebrating it, funding it and cheering them on.
GOOD, PEACEFUL MUSLIMS DENOUNCE THE ACTIONS OF THE ANGRY ISLAMIC TERRORISTS ALL THE TIME. TURN THE TV ON ONCE IN AWHILE, YOU DUMB BUNNY!
AND GOOD FOR YOU FOR BEING ANTI-WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH. HERE'S A NEWS FLASH, DIMBULB: EVERYONE'S ANTI-WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH! THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH IS A HATE-FILLED ORGANIZATION FULL OF DELUSIONAL IMBECILES WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN MAKE STUPID SIGNS AND MARCH AROUND LIKE IDIOTS. NOBODY CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. SORRY, VICS. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
The Muslims want to tear down the Statue of Liberty! It's an "idol."
WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO UP IN ARMS ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN. EVERY MUSLIM IN AMERICA COULD SIGN A PETITION DEMANDING THAT THE US GOVERNMENT DISMANTLE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, MELT IT DOWN, AND TURN IT INTO MATCHBOX CARS AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. GET PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE THAT FAKE BIGFOOT VIDEO OR SOMETHING.
This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an "alternate lifestyle"! There I said it! Ridiculous!
Did you see "Glee" this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of "Glee" – what's your agenda? One-way tolerance?
THEY MADE A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DURING WHICH SCENE EXACTLY? I THINK YOU MIGHT BE REFERRING TO ORAL INTENSITY'S PERFORMANCE OF SONSEED'S "JESUS IS MY FRIEND" WHICH WAS A HILARIOUS INTERNET PHENOMENON A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO AND USED BY GLEE'S RESIDENT VILLAIN, SUE SYLVESTER, AS A PLOY TO GET THE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN JUDGE TO VOTE FOR ORAL INTENSITY TO ADVANCE TO NATIONALS. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN, VICTORIA? HOW WAS THAT A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DID YOU MEAN GAY KISSING? IS GAY KISSING A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANITY? WHY IS THE IMAGE OF TWO YOUNG MEN KISSING SO FRIGHTENING TO SOME CHRISTIANS? GAHACHKAHAHHHHHH!
I'M GETTING A RAGE HEADACHE. I BETTER TAKE A BREAK. EFF YOU, VICTORIA JACKSON! SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND, JERKS!
The Muslims want to tear down the Statue of Liberty! It's an "idol."
WHY DO PEOPLE GET SO UP IN ARMS ABOUT THINGS THAT WILL NEVER, EVER HAPPEN. EVERY MUSLIM IN AMERICA COULD SIGN A PETITION DEMANDING THAT THE US GOVERNMENT DISMANTLE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, MELT IT DOWN, AND TURN IT INTO MATCHBOX CARS AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. GET PISSED OFF ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, LIKE THAT FAKE BIGFOOT VIDEO OR SOMETHING.
This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an "alternate lifestyle"! There I said it! Ridiculous!
Did you see "Glee" this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of "Glee" – what's your agenda? One-way tolerance?
THEY MADE A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DURING WHICH SCENE EXACTLY? I THINK YOU MIGHT BE REFERRING TO ORAL INTENSITY'S PERFORMANCE OF SONSEED'S "JESUS IS MY FRIEND" WHICH WAS A HILARIOUS INTERNET PHENOMENON A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO AND USED BY GLEE'S RESIDENT VILLAIN, SUE SYLVESTER, AS A PLOY TO GET THE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN JUDGE TO VOTE FOR ORAL INTENSITY TO ADVANCE TO NATIONALS. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN, VICTORIA? HOW WAS THAT A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANS? DID YOU MEAN GAY KISSING? IS GAY KISSING A MOCKERY OF CHRISTIANITY? WHY IS THE IMAGE OF TWO YOUNG MEN KISSING SO FRIGHTENING TO SOME CHRISTIANS? GAHACHKAHAHHHHHH!
I'M GETTING A RAGE HEADACHE. I BETTER TAKE A BREAK. EFF YOU, VICTORIA JACKSON! SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND, JERKS!
