Steve Wilkos is willing to help, but you're going to have to do some yelling

This evening as I was changing from my work clothes into something a little more casual, I happened to catch a commercial for the new season of the Steve Wilkos Show. If you are not familiar with Steve Wilkos, he's the large bald gentleman who used to keep overweight redneck women from killing each other on the Jerry Springer Show. Whenever things got heated--like when a toothless guy wearing nothing but overalls and a mullet jumped off the stage to beat down a snarky audience member or a midget transsexual dashed across the stage to bitch-slap the meth-addicted former call girl she just found was providing oral sex for the Amish boyfriend she hadn't yet informed about the balls in her underpants--Steve was there to cool shit down.

Now he's got his own show. Finally, Steve can tackle the issues he holds close to his heart. He doesn't have to play second fiddle to that Springer guy anymore. Steve can finally make a difference all by himself.

One scene in the commercial really struck me though, gave me a taste of tender loving care Steve Wilkos style. Wilkos and a woman are in a dingy hotel room together. The woman is probably in her mid-thirties, but looks fifty plus. She is thin and haggard, her eyes empty as if her spirit has been broken and spat upon so many times she's finally given up and come to terms with her imminent demise. She is seated on the cum-spattered bedspread, her mascara running down her face making her look like a sad strung out raccoon. Steve stands over her like a golden god of strength, a bulky bald refuge of peace and love. They exchange the following words:

Wilkos: (a little too forceful) Do you want me to help you?

Woman: Yes.

Wilkos (furiously, red-faced) DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU!!!!!

Woman: (equally gruff, a little confused) YEEEEESSSSSS!!!

As soon as she was ready to join Steve on his level (overly dramatic, comically angry, clearly insane), Steve was ready to lend a hand. God, I wish I knew what he was helping her do.

When Steve isn't yelling at elderly drug addicts, he's threatening child abusers:

Now, granted, child abuse is never funny (even when it's Robin Williams committing the abuse), but this television spot is a riot. Why? Because it is so obviously bullshit. I've seen better acting in community theater and I've got front row tickets to the Goldsboro Playhouse's fall season, so I know what I'm talking about. Steve is not an actor (clearly) and the guy who twisted his baby's legs? Take a look at 0:06. What's he doing? What did the director say, "Ok, guy, act like a five year old whose just been caught stealing cookies before dinner." Ridiculous, unless by "special kind of monster" they mean a retarded monster.

Also, Steve, you are no Elliot Stabler, so stop trying:

I had the pleasure of seeing an episode of the Steve Wilkos Show sometime last year. In the episode he got so annoyed with his guest he decided to take the guest's chair. Told the guy to stand up, said "You know what, you don't get a chair," and continued the interview (i.e. relentless verbal assault). One thing is for damn sure, when Steve Wilkos is mad, for the love of God, keep him away from chairs.