Pinocchio Smack-Down: The Results

I fully intended to watch Pinocchio (1976), featuring Hogan Family star Sandy Duncan, this morning, but fate had other plans. I cracked open my recently delivered Netflix envelope, fired up the DVD player, but when I looked at the disc I found that Netflix had sent me the wrong DVD--they sent me Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio...AGAIN! Bastards! Assuming the all-singing, all-dancing Sandy Duncan version is far from worth it, I've decided to not include it in the wrap up our first edition of GEP Smack-Down. As always if you have any ideas for future Smack-Downs write to us at giantpengy@yahoo.com. So, let's get to it. First, a quick review:

For: a flying space whale; interesting animation.


Against: Nertle the Twertle; the director's ability to make a 70 minute animated space adventure for children feel roughly 9 hours long; some of the most forgettable songs ever recorded.

For: super hot B-movie chicks; a story that sometimes transcends its hackneyed premise; boobs.

Against: so many plot twists, the film eventually becomes incoherent; a precocious actress that makes child abuse seem not so bad; that hackneyed premise I mentioned earlier.

For: ummmmmmmm...it ends eventually.

Against: almost constant screaming in Italian; a fifty year old Pinocchio who never once endears himself to the audience.

For: some great visuals; hilarious Japanese overacting; inspired a new feature coming soon called Movies That Try to Hard.

Against: incoherent; disgusting; oddly unoriginal; pretentious.

And the winner is...Pinocchio's Revenge: Though it never really rises above a cheap rip-off of Child's Play, one can tell that writer/director Kevin Tenney was at least trying. As far as straight-to-video horror films go, this one is definitely a rare gem. I mean, have you seen Jack Frost? In college, my friends and I fell victim to Frost's siren song one evening. It was fun to watch as a group and poke fun at, but that was it. Pinocchio's Revenge can definitely be used in this same way, but it also makes for a relaxing afternoon of movie viewing as well. By no means a great film, but a nice effort. Hey, it's a Pinocchio movie without twertles, oatmeal puke, or Roberto Benigni, so right there it gets high marks in my book.