A man suffered a heart attack at the Heart Attack Grill this week. Oh, you've never heard of the Heart Attack Grill? Well, the Heart Attack Grill is an American burger joint that proudly serves the most unhealthy food imaginable (the above menu is the ACTUAL, FOR REAL Heart Attack Grill menu) via waitress dressed as sexy nurses:
It's kind of like a Hooters for that portion of the fetish crowd who prefers burgers to chicken wings. Keep in mind, none of the waitress are actual nurses, so, if you do ever find yourself in a Heart Attack Grill having chest pains and shortness of breath, the big-breasted, booty short-clad hottie who just dropped a large order of lard-fried Flatliner Fries on your grease-splattered table cannot help you. You're boned, basically.But guess what, my sweaty chum? You've boned yourself. That's right. The Heart Attack Grill isn't responsible for the lifetime of poor choices you've made, up to and including the decision to enjoy a quick bite to eat at the Heart Attack Grill. I assume thousands of people have dined at the Heart Attack Grill and suffered nothing more than momentary regret. Then again, people have, in fact, given their life for the Heart Attack Grill's cause. Blair River, a 575 pound fan and spokesperson, died in 2011, no doubt a result of his frequent trips to the Grill. But still, is this Grill's fault? I submit that it is not.
It's River's fault. Nobody forced him to weigh 575 pounds. I know some people have struggles maintaining a healthy weight--hell, I'm one of them--but River knew what he was doing. He was 575 pounds and he ate regularly at the Heart Attack Grill. He knew what could happen. IT'S RIGHT ON THE SIGN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! And this guy in the Las Vegas location this week. There's no way this guy was the picture of good health. He had a heart attack while chowing down on a Triple Bypass Burger. Who needs all that? No one needs all of that! You waltz into a place and order something called a Triple Bypass Burger, with a side of Flatliner Fries and a pack of filterless cigarettes for dessert, you deserve the resulting heart attack. And you should be required to pay your bill in full. Well, you or your heirs.
We do this shit to ourselves, guys. There wouldn't be a Heart Attack Grill if people didn't want a Heart Attack Grill. We can't control ourselves. People are dying in restaurants from ingesting too much beef and lard, drinking Jolt colas and Butterfat Milkshakes. What the fuck? Why would anyone do this to him/herself? I like unhealthy food as much as the next guy, but I have the sense at least to avoid a joint like the Heart Attack Grill like the plague it most certainly is.
We're our own worst enemies, everybody. Did we learn nothing from that Christian Slater show? I mean, I didn't. I never saw it. It was called My Own Worst Enemy, right? I'm pretty sure it wasn't about shitty eating habits, but the lessons still apply. Or not. Just stop cramming shit into your mouth, OK? Quit spending your money at greasy restaurants that don't give a crap about your health. Eat a salad. It's nice outside, so take a walk with your family. Keep eating burgers and fries, just eat them less often. WTF are we doing to ourselves? Sheesh!
I like those nurses outfits though. You ever thing about changing up the uniforms at Chipotle, Chipotle?
