I Just read the news of Jan Berenstain's death on Twitter. I was especially moved by Goosebumps hack R. L. Stine's dickish tweet:@RL_Stine: Did we all read the Berenstain Bears when we were little? Sad to hear that Jan Berenstain, 88, has gone into permanent hibernation.
I'm sure he meant well. He's never been much of a writer, I guess.
That's not fair. I've never read any of R. L. Stine's stuff. I mean, I don't usually read garbage. I usually just toss garbage into the trash can where it belongs.
Wow. Sorry. This wasn't meant to be a diatribe against R. L. Stine. I just wanted to remind everybody to cut up their R. L. Stine books before throwing them away. You don't want a seagull to choke on them or something.
Anyway, I've never read a Goosebumps, but me and my sister grew up on the Berenstain Bears books. We had them all. Or a lot of them at least. I don't know how you could have them all. There are tons of Berenstain Bears books. The titles I'm familiar with are the ones released in the 80's and 90's. But look at all the books that came out in the 2000's: The Berenstain Bears and the Baby Chipmunk, The Berenstain Bears Go On a Ghost Walk, The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Watermelon Money, The Berenstain Bears Go To Sunday School, The Berenstain Bears Discover God's Creation, The Berenstain Bears Show God's Love, and something called The Berenstain Bears Holy Bible, which I assume is a retelling of the Bible starring the Berenstain Bears in the various roles previously made famous by human beings. Obviously, the Berenstain Bears found religion later in life. I think they probably started going to church after Papa Bear got sober. He was an alcoholic, right? I always kind of assumed.
Look, I loved the Berenstain Bears books. Each one opened with a catchy poem, the stories had a moral but they weren't super preachy, and there was one about a spooky old tree I particularly liked. Stan and Jan Berenstain had quite an impact on my young life and I'm sure they'll continue to impact the lives of future generations. I'll read them to my daughter. You know, the ones that aren't about going to church or whatever. I'm not gonna let a bunch of bears tell me what to believe. We've got separation of church and bedtime stories in this country, man, and I'm not about to let a family of friendly bears take that away from me.
I hope someone takes the reigns and keeps pumping out Berenstain Bears books. I'd do it if I had the time. Seriously. I have a bunch of titles. No stories to go with them yet, but they're a start. Keep in mind, I've kind of imagined a series in which Brother and Sister have grown up a little. They're no longer little kids, but, rather, teenagers. With that in mind, here are some Berenstain Bear titles I've come up with:
The Berenstain Bears Get Hair in New Places
The Berenstain Bears and the Quest for Abstinence
The Berenstain Bears Say Hi to Acne
The Berenstain Bears Get A YouTube Channel
The Berenstain Bears Friend Request Denied
The Berenstain Bears Touching All Over Themselves
The Berenstain Bears Free Style Rap Battle
The Berenstain Bears Papa Off the Wagon
The Berenstain Bears With the Dragon Tattoo
You'll be missed, Jan Berenstain. Thanks for your words. Thanks for your pictures. And thanks, most of all, for your Bears.
