When asked by reporters how he thinks fans should prepare themselves for this Sunday's Patriots-Chargers match-up, quarterback Tom Brady said:...start drinking early...[g]et nice and rowdy. 4:15 game, lot of time to get lubed up. Come out here, and cheer for the home team."
And America fell apart. The seas boiled over and rivers turned to blood. The sky turned black and the earth quaked, reducing buildings to dust, turning formerly alive people into crushed corpses. The Devil arose from his throne in Hell, entered our world through a vast portal, and tore Heaven from the skies, squishing the heads of angels and cherubs in his diamond-sharp teeth. Then the Earth exploded and everyone died.
Don't remember any of that? That's because NONE OF IT HAPPENED! Tom Brady encouraged football fans to drink a couple beers and have a good time. That's all. Some people, including members of the Patriots organization, acted as if it were the end of the world however. Stacey James, vice president in charge of media for the Patriots, assured those affected by Brady's atrocious sentiments, that the handsome quarterback was simply reminding people to "stay hydrated, drink a lot of water, be loud, [and] drink responsibly."
Shut the fuck up! He wasn't telling people to fill up their commemorative Patriots water bottles at the tap before skipping down to the stadium through a field of wildflowers. He was encouraging Patriots fans to drink. Drink beer. Shitloads of it.
What are we, a nation of born-again toddlers? Is there one person in these United States who doesn't fully understand that football and rowdy drunken behavior go together like fried chicken and waffles? Like John Locke and Ben Linus? Like me and Child's Play movies? Beer and football are cornerstones of this great nation and you've got to have your head up multiple peoples' asses (or one big fat guy's ass, if that's easier...actually, that's probably a lot easier, isn't it?) to not know that. I'm not saying you gotta do a keg-stand every time you hear the opening chords to that awful Hank Williams Jr. song, I'm merely pointing out the fact that to not recognize the companionship shared between American football and beer is to admit that you are a lunkhead of the highest, and thus dumbest, order. Just STOP ALREADY!
