Killer Monkey Smack-Down: The Results

When I handpicked the movies for GEP's first ever Killer Monkey Smackdown, I had no idea that choosing a winner would prove to be such a difficult task. I lost sleep over this, by which I mean I got out of bed earlier this morning than I had originally planned, but that was mostly because I needed to change my daughter's diaper and get her dressed for the day. Regardless, choosing just one killer monkey to represent all killer monkeys, both here and abroad, turned out to be a Herculean task that I almost wasn't ready for. But I did it because, well, somebody had to, dammit! I crunched the numbers, put together a panel of experts (ex-monkey trainers, a former zookeeper I met in an online chat room, Jane Goodall) and met for a week in a secluded cabin in the Rocky Mountains to discuss the pros and cons of each chosen ape, and prayed to a variety of deities I don't believe in. The results are what you have before you. I'm happy with my choice. I hope you are. (Note: I don't really care if you are or not.)

LINK

For: solid acting performances from both man and ape; a cleverly creepy final scene

Against: knowing that the orangutan playing the title character, a chimpanzee named Link, probably had to be painted black before every day of shooting kinda bummed me out

MONKEY SHINES

For: Boo, the capuchin who plays the murder-crazed Ella, is the finest monkey actor ever captured on film; Alan and Ella's epic final battle is a tension-filled masterpiece

Against: needlessly science-y explanation of Ella and Alan's psychic connection; super scary VHS box

KONGA

For: hilariously intense performance from the man who would be Alfred

Against: literally everything else

THE MIGHTY PEKING MAN

For: supremely silly, therefore, endlessly entertaining; Evelyn Kraft's bikini is a wonder to behold

Against: Utam, the mighty Peking man in question, looks downright awful, like, worse than Konga awful.

AND THE WINNER OF OUR KILLER MONKEY SMACKDOWN IS...

ELLA, from MONKEY SHINES! Ella, your murderous monkey behavior freaked me out like no other's. You truly are the killer monkey of my nightmares. Congratulations. Please don't kill me.

Next time: We pit The Jezebels against the Mini-Skirt Mob for girl gang supremacy!!!