London is a truly swingin' place to be if everything in Tinto Brass' 2000 film Cheeky! is to be believed. Full-on sexual intercourse in the park! Scantily clad young women flashing their lady bits at whoever happens by! All female bathhouses that require one to be nude at all times! There's, like, a whole last days of the Roman Empire thing going on there and I want in on the action. Sadly, the England of Cheeky! could only exist in the mind of a gross old man, in this case, Tinto Brass, the infamous director of 1979's equally infamous film, Caligula. I'd like to say he's come a long way from those days, but that would be a lie. Brass is still up to his dirty tricks, only this time, he's fully in charge and, surprisingly, the film suffers because of it.
If I were to award a star rating based solely on the hotness of it's star, Yuliya Mayarchuk, Cheeky! would receive 17 stars (mind you, I am working within the standard 4 star paradigm). Mayarchuk, who plays Carla, is insanely sexy, the kind of beautiful that makes you want to punch a brick wall repeatedly until your hand shatters to bits because you simply cannot comprehend how so much beauty can exist in one human being. She giggles and galavants. She flits and flirts. It is just as erotic to watch her dress as it is to watch her undress. Her stroll through the park during Cheeky!'s opening credit sequence is the sexiest Dentyne commercial never made.
If I were to award a star rating based solely on the hotness of it's star, Yuliya Mayarchuk, Cheeky! would receive 17 stars (mind you, I am working within the standard 4 star paradigm). Mayarchuk, who plays Carla, is insanely sexy, the kind of beautiful that makes you want to punch a brick wall repeatedly until your hand shatters to bits because you simply cannot comprehend how so much beauty can exist in one human being. She giggles and galavants. She flits and flirts. It is just as erotic to watch her dress as it is to watch her undress. Her stroll through the park during Cheeky!'s opening credit sequence is the sexiest Dentyne commercial never made.So there you go. Sexy starlet equals feel-good erotic romp, right? Unfortunately not. Cheeky! is not a sexy romp but a sexless dirge that drags viewers down into a pit of human sadness and degradation. How can casual sex between two large-breasted women even remotely be described as sexless and depressing, you ask? Cheeky! will make you believe it is possible. No matter how many exclamation points you slap after the title, this film is a waste. Essentially it's just like every other soft-core porn film you watched with your cousin when you used to sleep over at his house when your parents visited Baltimore. You had to sleep on a beanbag chair, but you dealt with it because you knew you were going to see some sweet boobs. I'm sorry. I've said too much.
It seems offensive to even suggest that Cheeky! has a plot, but it took five (?!?) people to write the screenplay, so let me at least attempt to describe the useless tripe I spent 90 minutes watching. Carla is a young Italian woman who comes to London to work as an administrative assistant in a hotel. We never see her work or spend any time in a hotel or do much of anything other than walk around town sans panties. Carla needs to rent a flat because her boyfriend, Matteo, is coming to London to learn English. Moira, a real estate agent, agrees to set Carla up in a sweet apartment for an affordable rate. Then she molests Carla.
It seems offensive to even suggest that Cheeky! has a plot, but it took five (?!?) people to write the screenplay, so let me at least attempt to describe the useless tripe I spent 90 minutes watching. Carla is a young Italian woman who comes to London to work as an administrative assistant in a hotel. We never see her work or spend any time in a hotel or do much of anything other than walk around town sans panties. Carla needs to rent a flat because her boyfriend, Matteo, is coming to London to learn English. Moira, a real estate agent, agrees to set Carla up in a sweet apartment for an affordable rate. Then she molests Carla.This happens a lot to Carla throughout the film. Apparently, among Italians (all of the characters are Italian, but living in England) it is perfectly acceptable to grope any woman you please. Not only that, but most women invite this groping or, at least, tolerate it. Hey, Italian-Americans, add another offensive stereotype to your growing list.
So, Matteo, still in Venice, begins to suspect Carla is some kind of slut (which she kind of is) after he finds naked photos of her taken at the beach. Meanwhile, Carla continues whoring it up in London. She bangs Moira's ex-husband in the bathroom of Moira's apartment, allows a randy old man (Tinto Brass in a stomach-turning cameo) to penetrate her with his finger, and enjoys a labia massage from a young man at her local female-only orgy center (it's kind of like the YMCA only totally nude, and groping is encouraged). In the end, Matteo agrees to move to London, extols the virtues of jealousy and lying, and happily allows Carla to flash her cooch at a passing police officer to get out of a ticket for littering. Ah, young love.
I want to add that Cheeky! is full of vagina close-ups, but every penis shot contains the same veiny, rubber member. It's as if Brass made his male actors share the same ersatz cock during filming. Eww.
