Chances are, you are already well aware of the recent union of 51-year-old character actor Doug Hutchison and 16-year-old aspiring country music artist Courtney Alexis Stodden. If this is news to you, I'll give you a few secs to let the image above burn itself into your brain.Got it in there? Good.
If you're unsure of who exactly Doug Hutchison is, here are just a few of his career achievements:
*Eugene Victor Tooms, the stretchy, liver-eating creep who tried to murder Scully on the X-Files.
*Percy Wetmore, the creepy little prick who set that one dude on fire in The Green Mile.
*Horace Goodspeed, the creepy-haired leader of the Dharma Initiative in the 1970's on Lost (Also the father of supremely creepy Other, Ethan).
*And a whole host of other creeps, degenerates, and weirdos.
Look, my point is, Hutchison has taken his penchant for playing pervert creeps on film and made it a part of his day-to-day real life. I don't care who you are or how high you are on the IMDB cast listing for a movie: if you are over the age of 50--hell, 20--and you marry a teenager, you are a creep. And an idiot.
"But Matt," you might be asking, "isn't it the dream of every old dude in American to get it on with a hot piece of teenage tail?" To you I say, first, why not try a little respect, buddy?! "Piece of teenage tail?" You kiss your grandmother on the mouth with that mouth? Secondly, maybe it is the dream--OK, yeah, sure, it's the dream--but you don't do it. Or, you do do it , then you do your time in prison and then you sign up on your local sex offender registry and then you spend the rest of your life hated and shunned with only your memories of that one time you did the nasty with a high school sophomore to keep you warm at night. But, you know, I'd suggest just not doing it at all. Try that first.
"Doing it" and becoming "bonded in holy matrimony" are two different things however. I get a 51-year-old guy wanting to bang a teenager. What I don't get is a 51-year-old guy wanting to marry a teenager. What could you possibly have in common with a 16-year-old? And don't give me the "she's got an old soul" line. She may have an "old soul" but she's still a "dumb kid." What do Doug and Courtney talk about at the dinner table? When they're driving around town, do they listen to The Rolling Stones or Justin Bieber? Don't they feel weird checking into a hotel together? Won't the prom be a little awkward next year?
And, listen, any 51-year-old man with something--anything!--in common with a 16-year-old girl is not a 51-year-old man you want anything to do with.
My problem, however, is not with Hutchison or his child bride who doesn't know what country music sounds like. It's with the parents. They had to give their permission for this marriage to go forward. As a father myself (I've been dying to say that!), I can't imagine even considering signing my daughter over to some weird, old character actor. Who knows, by the time Quinn is 16-years-old, Doug Hutchison might be done with old Courtney and come sniffing around for some half-Asian action. Ewwwww. I just puked a little in my mouth. And a lot in this trash can. What do the Stoddens have to say for themselves, huh?
"We are totally supportive of this marriage," Krista Stodden told RadarOnline.com. "Doug is a wonderful man, and we love him."
She added, "Courtney was a virgin when she married Doug. She is a good Christian girl."
She was a virgin, huh? O-K. Papa Stodden, your thoughts?
"Every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter," Alex Stodden, 47, told RadarOnline.com. "Courtney is one of the most level-headed girls out there, and I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter. ... Doug is the nicest man I've ever met in my life."
So every nice man you meet gets a free pass to pork your daughter? You weird sicko. And I want to make sure you all saw that Mr. Stodden is four years younger than his son-in-law.
I want to hear the courtship story. I want the details on how this love blossomed and grew. Maybe the public is missing an essential piece of the puzzle that makes this whole situation the opposite of sick and depraved. C'mon, Hutchisons, break your silence and tell us your love story. In fact, tell it to Giant Electric Penguin. I can't pay you anything, but my wife is an excellent cook. She makes delicious cakes and pies. Let me know. I'll be right here waiting.
