But every once in awhile, a commercial comes along that, for lack of a much better term, flips the script. One advertisement can make up for years upon years of soul-crushing commercial interruptions with its simple beauty and appealing cleverness. This is not that commercial:
The balls on the Certain Dri people! This counts as a commercial now? Everything about it drives home the inherent phoniness of the advertising industry. There isn't one real moment in the 15 seconds this spot runs. It is gloriously bad. It revels in its sheer awfulness. Did some arrogant young director film it as a joke, slap it down on the conference table I imagine the people at Certain Dri headquarters have, and say, "Here's your commercial, you capitalist sheep. Now go make your millions, you sleaze merchants" or something? Everything about this commercial feels wrong somehow. And yet, it remains my favorite commercial, possibly, of all time.
This thing is bananas! First, how exciting can this fancy banquet be if the only thing Blondie can think to talk about is her sopping armpits? No guy wants to have a beautiful girl appear in front of him out of nowhere and yammer about her excessive sweat issues. That's gross. But what does our tuxedoed friend do? He takes it all in stride and answers Blondie's original question and then one she didn't even ask:
"I'm not. Certain Dri."
Wouldn't it strike you as odd if you were making small talk with someone at a party and they just blurted out a product name?
You: "Those garlic knots were really good, but now my breath smells really bad. Does yours?"
Weird Stranger: "It doesn't. Dentyne Ice."
OR
You: "This booze cruise has been a lot of fun, but if I'm being honest, I kind of miss my kids. Don't you?"
Weirder Stranger: "I don't. Mifegyne."
The less said about our tuxedo-wearing hero's acting performance the better.
I like Blondie's follow up question to Tuxedo's unnecessary verbal product placement: "The anti-perspirant?" No, the 50's doo-wop group! OF COURSE THE ANTI-PERSPIRANT, YOU DIP!
The most believable exchange in the spot comes next, after Tuxedo assures Blondie that, yes, he is speaking of Certain Dri the anti-perspirant--the #1 doctor recommended one, no less--and Blondie retorts, "Don't tell me you're a doctor," to which Tuxedo responses, "I am."
One, why does he take off his glasses when admitting he's a doctor? "I'm a doctor, but I'm not a nerdy one. I'm the kind of doctor that hangs out at fancy soirees and chats up strange women about deodorant." What, are the glasses hiding your secret identity? "When the glasses are off, I'm an anti-perspirant-hocking doctor, but with my glasses on I'm a mild-mannered, hack actor."
And why is it "very cool" that this dork is a doctor? I don't have a joke (that isn't horribly misogynistic) about this, so I'll move on.
So, is it true? Have I discovered the best worst commercial of all time? Is Certain Dri anti-perspirant so baller it doesn't need flashy graphics and competent acting to move product off the shelves? And what kind of food is being served at this party? Is the party a benefit for diseased children or endangered wetlands? Do I watch too much TV? Is anyone still reading this?
You: "Those garlic knots were really good, but now my breath smells really bad. Does yours?"
Weird Stranger: "It doesn't. Dentyne Ice."
OR
You: "This booze cruise has been a lot of fun, but if I'm being honest, I kind of miss my kids. Don't you?"
Weirder Stranger: "I don't. Mifegyne."
The less said about our tuxedo-wearing hero's acting performance the better.
I like Blondie's follow up question to Tuxedo's unnecessary verbal product placement: "The anti-perspirant?" No, the 50's doo-wop group! OF COURSE THE ANTI-PERSPIRANT, YOU DIP!
The most believable exchange in the spot comes next, after Tuxedo assures Blondie that, yes, he is speaking of Certain Dri the anti-perspirant--the #1 doctor recommended one, no less--and Blondie retorts, "Don't tell me you're a doctor," to which Tuxedo responses, "I am."
One, why does he take off his glasses when admitting he's a doctor? "I'm a doctor, but I'm not a nerdy one. I'm the kind of doctor that hangs out at fancy soirees and chats up strange women about deodorant." What, are the glasses hiding your secret identity? "When the glasses are off, I'm an anti-perspirant-hocking doctor, but with my glasses on I'm a mild-mannered, hack actor."
And why is it "very cool" that this dork is a doctor? I don't have a joke (that isn't horribly misogynistic) about this, so I'll move on.
So, is it true? Have I discovered the best worst commercial of all time? Is Certain Dri anti-perspirant so baller it doesn't need flashy graphics and competent acting to move product off the shelves? And what kind of food is being served at this party? Is the party a benefit for diseased children or endangered wetlands? Do I watch too much TV? Is anyone still reading this?
