How and When Will the World REALLY End?: We Ask the Experts

Ever since Bible expert Harold Camping predicted the end of the world last month, I've been on metaphorical pins and needles. I would gladly sit, stand or roll on a bed of pins and needles if it meant that the world wouldn't end as the result of some sort of global catastrophe, but that's my weird thing. I'm scared is all I'm saying, and the only way I know of getting some much needed piece of mind is asking people in the know--the experts, if you will--how everything is going to go down. Will it be super hurricanes? Bitterly cold blizzards? Puppy-sized hail? Full-grown dog-sized hail? Flaming space rocks? Random spurts of lava? What???

Last time, a prominent, not-at-all-made-up Protestant reverend gave us a peek into God's playbook (Spoiler Alert: we're all screwed). What horrors await us according to our next expert?

Expert: Dr. Thomas Ballencourt

How: The conclusion of the Maya Long Count Calendar

When: mid-December 2012

The Details: "Have you seen the summer blockbuster 2012 yet? That's basically what it is. There'll be floods everywhere. The ground will open up and swallow cities whole. Volcanoes'll be erupting all the live long day. Cats and dogs will go nuts and start fornicating with squirrels. There'll probably be a lot of downed power lines. And make no mistake: JOHN CUSACK WILL BE THERE.

"I mean, the Mayans knew their shit. They designed a calendar for just long enough. Who's gonna need a calendar when the Earth starts folding in on itself? Exactly. Now you're getting it.

"How does it start? Well, first there are earthquakes, like, everywhere. These earthquakes will lead to a total collapse of the world economy which will, in turn, lead to both mass suicide and rampant bestiality with squirrels. In fact, most of the people who skip the first wave of suicide for squirrel sex, will end their lives during the second round of mass suicides. And I cannot be any clearer on this: JOHN CUSACK WILL BE THERE.

"After the suicides and the squirrel boning, the oceans will boil and explode and whales will rain down from the sky like rain. Whales are just gonna be crashing down from the sky, destroying highways and Christmas tree lots. One whale--I call him Timmy, after my son who will, sadly, commit suicide during the aforementioned first wave of suicides--will actually collide with an airplane. Former NBA star Joe Dumars will be on that flight. Please be aware: JOHN CUSACK WILL NOT BE ON THAT PLANE.

"After the whale rain will come the volcanoes. Then the tornadoes. Then the Indian ghosts. This will be followed by a short period of time in which we are ruled by insects. Then more volcanoes. Then the squirrels, who are pissed about all the squirrel rape, will take over.

"Finally, Quetzalcoatl, the winged serpent of Aztec legend, believing it to be the Aztec Long Count Calendar that has ended (It ended in 1945. The Aztecs didn't know dick.), will fly in from the Dimension of Monsters and devour what's left of the Earth whole. John Cusack and a delegation of squirrel-human half-breeds will attempt to talk Quetzalcoatl out of this, but they will fail. He will eat the Earth and he will shit it into the sun. Then the universe will implode."

Dr. Thomas Ballencourt is a professor of Ridiculous Studies at Area 51 Community College & Grill in Roswell, NM. When he isn't watching his collection of John Cusack movies on VHS, he is writing threatening letters to US senators he believes are gay.