Say hello (or 'cheerio' if you are so inclined) to the Princess Kate Bride Doll. True, this isn't an actual picture of the doll per se, I mean, we still don't know what Kate Middleton's dress is going to look like (odds are it will be FABULOUS!!!), but the Danbury Mint had to get something out there, you know, before the other mints (?), so here you go. According to the ad in this week's PARADE Magazine (Oh, yeah, we're gunning for you again, PARADE! Two Sundays in a row, son!) the doll version of Ms. Middleton, charmingly described as "the enchanting commoner who captured the heart of a Prince," has been specifically created to celebrate the "Wedding of the Century." Really, Danbury Mint? The whole century? You're telling me that if Jesus himself descends from Heaven and weds one of the Bush Twins (Barbara is still available by my count), the royal wedding between Kate and Prince What's-His-Face remains tops for the century? You didn't even consider the possibility of a Jesus-Barbara Bush marriage did you, DM?
Tell us more about this "museum-quality collectible," Danbury Mint. We're waiting.
What will she wear? That's the question everyone is asking, but no one has been able to uncover this closely guarded royal secret.
No one has been able to crack the wedding dress code, but I'm glad we have people on it. Makes you feel a little bit safer, don't it?
For the first time in 30 years, since Diana married Charles, we will all be treated to the grandest of events...a Royal Wedding!
Events I Would Consider Much Grander Than a Royal Wedding: this year's Super Bowl; The San Diego Comic Con; the Pixies show I saw five years ago; the Bemis Elementary School roller skating party at which I skated with Kelly Luce the entire time; The People's Choice Awards; an NKOTB record release party; the season premiere of Hoarders; the aforementioned fictional wedding between Jesus Christ and Barbara Bush.
In what is sure to be the "Wedding of the Century" (ugh), lovely Princess Kate, the first commoner to join the royal family in over 350 years, will exchange vows with dashing Prince William at historic Westminster Abbey on April 29.
I like that the ad wizards behind this copy like to keep hammering it into our heads that Middleton is a lowly commoner. It's kind of like they're saying, "This could happen to you too one day, you lowly plebian scumbucket, but while you're waiting for Prince Charming to ride up on his trusty steed and pull you out of your boring life of mediocrity, why not buy a porcelain doll of some chick in a wedding dress."
While the details of her bridal gown remain a royal secret, it is certain to create a worldwide sensation...and our gifted designers will capture every detail to perfection! Once the special day arrives, our seamstresses will create an unmatched representation of the lovely bride and the grand gown she will actually wear on that day.
"But, what if I can't wait that long for a Kate Middleton doll? What if I want my Kate Middleton doll RIGHT NOW!?!" Not to worry, one Web site is offering a Kate Middleton Prize Pack. Lookit all this swag you can get:
Aw, man, that doll ain't big enough to make sweet, sloppy love to. What gives?
(You can pre-order your Princess Kate Bride Doll here. Heck, it's only gonna cost you 159-bucks. What are you waiting for?)
(You can find the Kate Middleton Prize Pack [my name for it], as well as all manner of creepy porcelain monstrosities, right here.)
* * * * * * *
And it just wouldn't be Sunday without a visit to our friends at The Family Circus:
