Summer Viewing Superlatives

Summer is officially over, and so we bid adieu to the first ever GEP Summer Viewing Program. It was a good time--for me anyway--but I hope you enjoyed observing my journey through your computer screen or your iPad or your cellular phone device or whatever it is you use when wasting time at work.

So, yeah, it's over and now it's time to "hand out" the "awards." (Note to the ghosts of our winners who have passed on: Not even the living winners of this morning's superlatives were presented with any sort of physical trinket [trophy, commemorative plaque, certificate, participation ribbon, etc.], so please refrain from haunting me. I have nothing for you but my undying respect, which will, unfortunately, die with me when I, um, die.)

Best Film: Let the Right One In

(Good news for you moviegoers who don't like to read or can't: An American remake of this undeniable classic is set to be released some time very soon [I didn't look up the actual date because, quite frankly, I don't give a shit. Subtitles won't kill ya!], so you can enjoy the story of a bullied young man and his vampire girlfriend the way God intended--in English.)

Worst Film: The Unseen

(True, I didn't finish watching A Boy and His Dog, and Strait-Jacket was so bad it inspired me to start posting on Movie Penguin again, but The Unseen was so hackneyed, boring, stupid, and offensive, that there was no way it was getting out of this summer without me exposing it for the putrid hunk of garbage it is, was, and forever will be. For shame, everyone involved in The Unseen.)

Best in Swimsuit: Julie Adams (The Creature from the Black Lagoon)

Perviest Mustache: Bill Sage (Mysterious Skin) (Honorable Mention: William Hurt in Body Heat)

Biggest Surprise: Thieves' Highway

(Who knew the world of produce sales was so corrupt and exciting?)

Best weirdest thing to say while the stranger you are having casual sex with on a regular basis fingers your butthole: "I'm gonna get a pig and I'm gonna have the pig fuck you. I want the pig to vomit in your face and I want you to swallow the vomit. Are you gonna do that for me? I want the pig to die while you're fucking him. Then you'll have to go behind him. I want you to smell the dying farts of the pig." (Marlon Brando, Last Tango in Paris)

Hottest Nurse: Nurse Alex Price (An American Werewolf in London) (Honorable Mention: Diane Varsi, Johnny Got His Gun)

Best Male Actor: Laurence Olivier in Bunny Lake is Missing

(He gets all of the film's best lines.)

Best Female Actor: Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

(I totally get why she is an icon now. She is endlessly charming in this mediocre musical comedy.)

Stupidest Idiot: DJ Stevie Wayne in The Fog (Honorable Mention: everybody else in The Fog)

Most Irritatingly Pathetic Because You Know He/She Could do Something Better With His/Her Life if He/She Would Just Apply Him/Herself: Wendy in Wendy and Lucy

Best Director: Ingmar Bergman, Through A Glass Darkly

(This was my first Bergman film. It blew my mind.)

Best Character: Severen (Near Dark)

(Best. Vampire. Ever.) (Honorable Mention: Sgt First Class William James [The Hurt Locker]; Knives Chau [Scott Pilgrim vs. The World]; John McClane [Die Hard]; Wallace Wells [Scott Pilgrim vs. The World]; Zen [Chocolate]; Lyle from Dallas [Red Rock West]; Christiane Genessier [Eyes Without a Face]; Godzilla [Gojira]; Jerry "The Hammer" Ferro [The Hammer])

Worst Character(s): The Boy and His Dog (A Boy and His Dog)

(Awful.) (Honorable Mention: Hulking Inbred Autistic Man-Child [The Unseen]; The Gill Man [The Creature from the Black Lagoon]; Lucy Harbin [Strait-Jacket]; Perverted Molestery Baseball Coach [Mysterious Skin]; The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms [The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms])