So, what now? What fiendish terror have I chosen to unleash on you, the loyal readers of the Giant Electric Penguin family of blogs? Well, as you've probably already guessed from the title of this post, it's lists. Yes, a series of horror-related lists is literally all I could come up with. It's too late to do another 31 days of horror flicks and I have no intention of staying up for 24 hours straight watching Chucky movies ever again, so, you know, lists. But, I promise, these spine-chilling lists will push you to the very brink of horrified insanity. These lists--these blood-drenched, slime-covered, boogery lists--will keep you awake all night long, possibly with a full load of poop in your freshly laundered pajama bottoms. Yeah, that's how scary stuff is gonna get this October.
The 5 Best Vampires Ever
1. Severen (Near Dark): Severen never comes right out and identifies as a vampire, but all the factors are present: the cocksure attitude, the lackadaisical stance on the wholesale slaughter of the human race, the need to consume human blood to survive, the tendency to burst into flames when in the vicinity of sunlight, the leather jacket, etc.. Severen does not represent the stuffy vampires of yore, but, rather, a new breed, a vampire that not only takes great delight in bringing death upon the human cattle he feeds off of, but brings a creative flair to the actual killing. Severen doesn't need to sparkle or "glamour" a potential victim. All he needs is a half empty redneck bar, a sharp knife, and a couple of one-liners. In fact, if Severen had the extreme displeasure of observing some smooth-chested, pretty boy emo vamp use his magical sparkle powers to lure a teenage girl into a monogamous relationship built on trust and respect, he'd probably kick that dude's pale pussy ass.
2. Satanico Pandemonium (From Dusk Till Dawn): Listen, I'm not going to willingly offer my jugular to just anyone. She's got to at least look like Satanico Pandemonium. I don't think that's asking too much, is it? (I might be OK with Jessica Hamby too).
In fact, let's watch Ms. Pandemonium in action, shall we? We'll meet back here in a few minutes.
Right?
3. Eric Northman (True Blood): Eric "The Vampiric Viking" Northman is not only light years more interesting than Bill Compton--recently voted "America's Mopiest Vampire With a Bad Southern Accent" by me--the current beau of True Blood's primary protagonist, the Southern-fried, frequently naked, bar-n-grill waitress with psychic fairy powers (no, really), Sookie Stackhouse, but he is also so unfathomably attractive, that straight men all over this great nation have been prompted to reevaluate the sexuality they have been accustomed to for the bulk of their lives, including, most recently, Hollywood director/podcast impresario, Kevin Smith, on the popular program Hollywood Babble On. I can't really get into what sex acts Smith proposes performing on Mr. Northman, as this is a family blog, but I will say that it involves "oral manipulation of Northman's wee-wee." Take that as you will. Dude is hot though. And he's always banging Eastern European strippers and stuff.
4. Eli (Let the Right One In): Vampires aren't all about blood-drinking and gay sex though. Sometimes a vampire can be instrumental in helping awkward young people "come of age," as they say. Take the relationship between Eli and Oskar in Let the Right One In, one of my favorite films of the last ten years. Eli boosts Oskar's confidence just by hanging around him. She encourages him to fight back against the bullies that make his day-to-day existence a Swedish living Hell. Who wouldn't want a friend like Eli? She can fly presumably. She has super speed and strength. She has no problem ripping your schoolyard tormentors limb from bloody eviscerated limb. I would've loved to have had a friend like Eli back when I was a small, toeheaded, Swedish weakling. (WARNING: That link will take you to one of the most remarkable scenes in, well, any movie really, but I really do think you should experience the film as a whole. If you have no intention of ever doing so however, but you do, in fact, dig vampires, click away. Maybe it'll inspire you to check Let the Right One In out.)
5. Jerry Dandrige (Fright Night): Jerry spends most of Fright Night resembling a suave and handsome, yet kinda douchey, playboy. Sure, he's behind a series of unsolved hooker murders, but he's so damn charming, you kind of just want to let him get away with it. Of course, Jerry's human face is merely a facade. He's actually a vampire. And not just your run-of-the-mill baseball-playing vampire. No, sir or m'am. Jerry is the kind of vampire that can turn into a bat. Or a wolf. Or, like, a weird red-eyed ghoul thingy with long fingers and hooked talons. Anyway, he's hard to kill and that makes him a vampire of note.
Perhaps the most impressive feat Jerry Dandrige pulls off: seducing confirmed lesbian Amanda Bearse. Now that's glamouring.
