Going Back to School in Style: A Guide to Looking Good

It's that time of year again--back to school time! Can't you just feel the excitement in the air? You can't? Well, maybe you don't hang around as many high school parking lots as I do. I assure you, school is back in the session and this year the focus is on fashion. And who better to clue teenagers in on what is hip and cool in the world of young people's fashion than a 31-year-old man who leaves the house most mornings looking tragically unkempt and on weekends can't even find the strength to pull on a pair of pants? If you answered "nobody," then you are certifiably insane and should be locked away in a state mental health facility until further notice. I know nothing to less-than-nothing about fashion, that's why I turned to my good friend the internet for our first official Back to School Fashion feature. Things is about to get a whole lot hipper in here, dogs! Let's do this thing now!

1. Political Tees

Show your classmates how little you respect their right to freedom of religion with this controversial, yet extremely comfortable, t-shirt. It doesn't matter that the proposed mosque is two blocks away from the site of the 9/11 tragedy. It doesn't even matter that the mosque isn't a mosque at all. All that matters is that everyone will finally know that 9/11 made you more sad than anyone else. If this shirt is a little too straightforward for you, however, there is a shirt available for the more artsy bigot:

Frankly, I find this one a tad confusing. To me, it seems to read, "No more Twin Towers. Hooray, a mosque!" But who am I? Just a folk-singing, hippie liberal with a brain, I guess.

2. Tighter Pants Then Ever Before!

What's the latest trend in cutting off your circulation? That's right: jeggings! What are jeggings, you ask? Keep in my mind, if you are asking what jeggings are, you are probably so tragically un-hip that you should either kill yourself right this second or develop an eating disorder, because jeggings are only for the coolest of the cool (i.e. skinniest) girls in your school. Jeggings, for uggo readers, are a combination of jeans and leggings, making them the most skintight of all the pants. Anything tighter would have to be painted on. What are you waiting for, girls? Those jeggings are just waiting to choke the life out of your vag! (I hope there are no uggos reading this site. Ew!)

3. Whore Gear from the Shore, Dear!

Mtv's Jersey Shore isn't just for watchin' anymore! Now you can dress like Jersey Shore superstar Jenni "JWoww" Farley, whose new line, called, appropriately, Filthy Couture, is currently available for purchase at fine boutiques and off the backs of desperate meth-addicted strippers everywhere. This year you can saunter down the halls of your middle school in one of JWoww's fabulous designs confident in the fact that you are filling your math teacher with epic amounts of shame.

4. Accessories Are Totes In

Believe it or not, accessories are totally cool. I know, I was shocked too. Of course, not any accessory will do. According to About.com, funky accessories are all the rage this year and what could be funkier than this The Last Airbender necklace? That's right. About.com uses this The Last Airbender necklace as an example of a "funky accessory." This necklace based on the biggest flop of the entire summer, quite possibly destined to join the ranks of the worst reviewed films of all time, is something with which About.com feels--nay, strongly suggests --one should adorn one's body. Seriously. Who are you to question About.com? Just buy the fucking thing, all right? It's funky!

5. V-Neck T-Shirts...For Boys???

Believe it or not, this is a thing men are doing. Heterosexual men. No, really. I'm not kidding. Couple it with a man purse or a Gilligan hat, and you've got yourself a hip, happening look. Or a bloody nose. (Probably just a bloody nose.)

6. ???

You know, it's not even close to prom season yet. We'll wait on this one.

Now get out there and get fashionable, boys and girls. Remember, you only get to experience school once in your life (unless you're some kind of dumb ass who gets held back repeatedly for being dumb), so make it count. Life is a fashion show and it's up to you, the hip kids, to mercilessly torment anyone who fails to meet your exacting standards of coolness.