...they get molested by their brothers
Gerald Imes, brother of sassy porcine comedienne turned Oscar-winning actress Mo'Nique, stopped by the Oprah Winfrey Program this week to discuss growing up with the superstar performer in Woodlawn, MD. Oh, yeah, and molesting her. Yes, Mo'Nique's brother appeared on national television, without his sister, to gab about sexual molestation with Oprah. Now there's a fun way to spend your afternoon. "I've dusted my husband's trophy case, Junior is down for his nap, and dinner is in the oven. Now what? Oh, Mo'Nique's brother Gerald is going to be on Oprah talkin' 'bout perversions for an hour. Fun!"
It is not GEP's intention to poke fun at the molested, nor champion the actions of molesters. We're also proponents of "manning" or "womanning" up and admitting when you've made mistakes. But, why in the hell did Gerald Imes feel it was time to finally break his silence and come forward and admit to his molestery past in front of our nation's housewives? To me it feels like some Bizarro World attempt to grab up some of Mo'Nique's current professional thunder, like, maybe he's thinking, "Mo-Mo's got some heat right now and if I get out there and let the world know that we're related and that, yes, I may have sexually molested her when she was 8 and I was 13, maybe I can jump start my career somehow." Like, I kinda get Lindsay Lohan's mom pushing for her own reality show because her daughter is a famous waste of talent, but to use the fact that you diddled your Mo'Nique when she was a defenseless child in attempt to boost your name recognition or perhaps receive a Mo'Nique's forgiveness publicly and then be granted the privilege to share in her superstardom is sick and weird.
...they drag us all into their familial nightmares
Speaking of the Lohans, well, shit, why must we speak of the Lohans?
I guess we don't technically have to speak about them, but we're going to anyway. Is there a worse family on this planet? I mean, sure, there are countless family units in this great country ravaged by alcoholism, sexual abuse, domestic violence, and bitter resentment, but at least we don't have to read about them every time we turn on the television or log onto the interwebs.
I know what you're saying: "Matt, why don't you just stop regularly visiting People.com or watching "news" programs hosted by AC Slater?" To you I say, "I wish I could, but I've got a pop culture-skewering blog to maintain, bub. It's not a easy life, but it's the life I've chosen."
Anyway, this week, Lohan family patriarch, Michael, accompanied a battalion of LA cops to his daughter's apartment, which he later described to the press as "a mess." Why did Michael storm Lindsay's Fortress of Solitude? Well, he claims it was because he was worried about his youngest daughter, Ali, who is staying with her sister, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that he hadn't had a camera shoved in his face in the past 24 hours.
Michael Lohan Fun Fact: Did you know that if Michael Lohan doesn't get a mention on E! News Daily at least five times a week, his body becomes foam on the sea. It's a fact!
This is a story?! Michael Lohan checking up on his daughters after receiving a hot tip (ie, turning on E! or visiting Perez Hilton's Web site anytime during the day) that Lindsay was driving a little to fast on her way home from a music festival? Where's the story? Is it the fact that Lindsay's apartment is apparently a sparsely-decorated drug den? Or is it that Lindsay resembles a fragile skeleton with Silly Putty stretched taut across its bones rather than the fresh-faced, budding young beauty of four years ago? None of this is shocking! None of this is news! We all know that Lindsay is a drugged up has-been who can't spell, that Michael is a fame-obsessed ex-con clinging to his daughter's former glory, and that Ali, sadly, is a skank in training. It's wretched and sad and so totally boring it makes me want to tear my hair out, you know, if I had any hair. Fuck the Lohans!
...they sell their cars and look for jobs after their TLC reality show is cancelled
GEP's favorite douchebag, Jon Gosselin, is at it again! Oh, Jon, when will you ever learn? BOING!
Last month, poor Jonny No Cash, was booted from his latest ex-girlfriend's Hollywood home. This on top of the fact that he lost his lawsuit against the Tender Loving Care Network and that Kate, Hailey Glassman, and Playgirl alerted the world to the stumpiness of his penis has assuredly sent Gosselin into a shame spiral of epic proportions. Things couldn't possibly get any worse for this schmuck, could they?
They can and they did. This week, Gosselin was forced to sell his beloved used BMW M3 just to make one of his sizable child support payments. Aw, poor Jon! Hey, look on the bright side, cast of Mtv's abysmal The Jersey Shore, when Gosselin's job search inevitably fails next month, guess who's probably throwing a yard sale? And you know what that means: Ed Hardy t-shirts for all!!!
Gosselin told TMZ.com that he is actively looking for work...as a television host! Holy shit! Jon, buddy, seriously, let the TV dream die. There is nobody in America who wants to see you host any kind of television program. Hell, Spike, the cable station for men only (get lost, ladies), recently cancelled Jesse James Is A Dead Man because he cheated on his wife. That's right: Spike fired a dude for banging a bunch of chicks. Plus, Jon, I don't know how many people are praying for a show hosted by a guy who constantly talks about how important his children are to him, yet never seems to be in the state in which they reside. Advertisers don't really dig cheaters and child abandoners. I'm just saying.
Jon, just read my post from back in March, OK? It was written specifically for you, pal. Get your head out of your ass and move on. TV doesn't want you anymore.
