Why can't a film based on a video game be good? Many games present just as rich and complete a world as the young adult novels and British mini-series that serve as the inspiration for the bulk of movies choking our nation's multiplexes at any given time. I mean, hell, Avatar is the most successful movie of all time, and it started out as a video game, at least, I assume it did.
I think the problem is twofold. First, Hollywood is choosing the wrong games to turn into movies. Doom? Really, H-wood? I play Doom when I'm bored or pissed off after a particularly grueling day at the office. I don't want to watch someone else run around hellish labyrinths blasting demons into piles of digitized gore or chainsawing monsters into two neat halves--I want to do it myself. Excuse me if watching Wrestling's The Rock act out my darkest Doom fantasies isn't my idea of a "fun night out."
Second, the studios making these awful films are changing what made the games so awesome in the first place. For example, Super Mario Brothers: The Movie. Have you seen this thing? Where's the whimsy? The bright colors? The toe-tapping music? SMB:The Movie is a boring slog through a dark, dirty underground world ruled by Dennis Hopper--who plays Bowser as a growly lizard man with blond cornrows and not a spiky-shelled snapping turtle with a fire-red pompadour and a fondness for airships--and his De-Evolution Ray. WHAT??? This isn't the Super Mario Brothers I played obsessively after school. Where are the castles? Where's Toad? You gave us Yoshi, but look at him! He looks horrible! How the hell is that supposed to cart around Mario's fat ass?
Hollywood, I'm here to help. I'm not a gamer, per se, but I do have a passion for old school titles, and this morning I have for you 5 video games I think deserve serious consideration for movie adaptation. If you like what you see, contact me at my e-mail address (giantpengy@yahoo.com) and we'll talk finder's fees. Enjoy.
1. Kid Icarus: Angels are the new sparkly Mormon vampires! You think girls went nuts for Edward Cullen? Wait until they get a load of Pit. Black clothing, dour expressions, and body glitter will be a thing of the past. It'll be togas and Jesus-sandals once Pit makes his triumphant--and, frankly, long overdue--appearance on the big screen. And guess what, Hollywood, I've made it easy for you to get this project green lit and under way. A fews year back, when I was both underemployed and without a female companion, I wrote a seven page treatment of my vision for Kid Icarus feature film. I think it's pretty great. I'd be willing to meet with you and go over specifics, but I'm gonna need you to fly me out to LA on a private jet. It's not that I think I'm better than your average air-commuter, it's just been on my bucket list for a while now.
1. Kid Icarus: Angels are the new sparkly Mormon vampires! You think girls went nuts for Edward Cullen? Wait until they get a load of Pit. Black clothing, dour expressions, and body glitter will be a thing of the past. It'll be togas and Jesus-sandals once Pit makes his triumphant--and, frankly, long overdue--appearance on the big screen. And guess what, Hollywood, I've made it easy for you to get this project green lit and under way. A fews year back, when I was both underemployed and without a female companion, I wrote a seven page treatment of my vision for Kid Icarus feature film. I think it's pretty great. I'd be willing to meet with you and go over specifics, but I'm gonna need you to fly me out to LA on a private jet. It's not that I think I'm better than your average air-commuter, it's just been on my bucket list for a while now.Why Kid Icarus needs to be a movie NOW: Two words: Eggplant Wizard.
2. Blaster Master: We haven't had a really good "boy drives a futuristic tank through a creepy underground world on a mission to save his runaway mutant pet frog" in so long it makes me physically sick. This was a standard issue storyline in the Golden Age of Hollywood, practically its own genre (Wikipedia it!). Blaster Master has everything that makes movies great: tank-driving children, underground peril, and enough killer mutant animals to choke a goat. Hell, a whole herd of goats!
2. Blaster Master: We haven't had a really good "boy drives a futuristic tank through a creepy underground world on a mission to save his runaway mutant pet frog" in so long it makes me physically sick. This was a standard issue storyline in the Golden Age of Hollywood, practically its own genre (Wikipedia it!). Blaster Master has everything that makes movies great: tank-driving children, underground peril, and enough killer mutant animals to choke a goat. Hell, a whole herd of goats!Why Blaster Master needs to be a movie NOW: This kid drives a tank. AN EFFING TANK! Also, the antagonist of the story is named Plutonium Boss. How messed up is that?! Wow!
3. Dig Dug: Wouldn't it neat if someone could take the most rudimentary of classic video game concepts (dig tunnels; pump baddies full of air until they literally burst) and turn it into a real thought-provoking piece of cinema art? I doubt one could do much with, say, Pac-Man, but I have no doubt that someone out there (Takashi Miike, maybe, or that guy who made The Host) could do something both challenging and grotesque with this source material. Maybe Taizo Hori, the little dude doing the pumping in Dig Dug, is hired to dispose of some creepy crawlies who are freed after a drilling company upsets their ecosystem and the movie is about how he kills some of them, but than discovers they're not so bad or maybe the drilling company is all corrupt or something. I don't know.
3. Dig Dug: Wouldn't it neat if someone could take the most rudimentary of classic video game concepts (dig tunnels; pump baddies full of air until they literally burst) and turn it into a real thought-provoking piece of cinema art? I doubt one could do much with, say, Pac-Man, but I have no doubt that someone out there (Takashi Miike, maybe, or that guy who made The Host) could do something both challenging and grotesque with this source material. Maybe Taizo Hori, the little dude doing the pumping in Dig Dug, is hired to dispose of some creepy crawlies who are freed after a drilling company upsets their ecosystem and the movie is about how he kills some of them, but than discovers they're not so bad or maybe the drilling company is all corrupt or something. I don't know.Why Dig Dug needs to be a movie NOW: Because even if it sucks, wouldn't it be hilarious if there was a Dig Dug movie? I think so.
4. The Legend of Zelda: Legend of Zelda was probably the one game I played just as much as Super Mario Brothers growing up (that is, until SMB 3 debuted, than I was all about some Raccoon Mario). It is criminal--CRIMINAL, I say--that Zelda has not yet been turned into a feature film franchise. All the elements are there for an epic, Lord of the Rings-style success. I mean, c'mon, it's been a horrible cartoon ("Well, excuuuuuuuuu-se me, Princess!") and a sugary breakfast cereal, but it can't get the Peter Jackson treatment? For shame!
4. The Legend of Zelda: Legend of Zelda was probably the one game I played just as much as Super Mario Brothers growing up (that is, until SMB 3 debuted, than I was all about some Raccoon Mario). It is criminal--CRIMINAL, I say--that Zelda has not yet been turned into a feature film franchise. All the elements are there for an epic, Lord of the Rings-style success. I mean, c'mon, it's been a horrible cartoon ("Well, excuuuuuuuuu-se me, Princess!") and a sugary breakfast cereal, but it can't get the Peter Jackson treatment? For shame!Why The Legend of Zelda needs to be a movie NOW: I want to see the Weta Workshop's take on an Octorock. Can you imagine? I think it would give me a nerd boner. For real.
5. BurgerTime: I want a There Will Be Blood-style adaptation of BurgerTime directed by PT Anderson and starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Peter Pepper. The only scenes resembling actual BurgerTime gameplay will occur during a PCP-fueled hallucination.
5. BurgerTime: I want a There Will Be Blood-style adaptation of BurgerTime directed by PT Anderson and starring Daniel Day-Lewis as Peter Pepper. The only scenes resembling actual BurgerTime gameplay will occur during a PCP-fueled hallucination.Why BurgerTime needs to be a movie NOW: The world needs a gritty, behind-the-scenes look at one man's meteoric rise, and subsequent tragic fall, set in the fast food industry.
