What the WTF?: In Which We Take Issue with EW.com's "50 Actors We'd Watch in Anything" List

Last week, EW.com published their 50 Actors We'd Watch in Anything, a "countdown of performers whose name in the credits forces us to give even the most dubious TV or movie project the benefit of the doubt." As a rabid fan of both movies and television, I felt it my duty to read, study, and analyze this list. So, I did, and I'm calling bullshit. If I honestly believed that the editors of Entertainment Weekly magazine would literally sit through any film that any of the 50 actors named agreed to play some kind of role in, I would discontinue my subscription immediately. Luckily, since I do not currently have a subscription to EW, that part is done, but there's still this list--this awful, awful list.

Look, I realize that pointless lists are GEP's bread and butter, OK? I'm not ragging on the concept of the list. I'm obsessed with lists, in fact, my love of and reliance upon lists will be the subject of an upcoming series of articles on this very Web site, I'm just not a fan of this list. I don't care how much I like an actor--if he or she is in something horrible (i.e., anything directed by Uwe Boll, based on a book by Nicholas Sparks), I'm not going to subject myself to it.

So, EW, let's take a look at the list of actors you feel can do no wrong no matter the project. And away we go...

1. Rosario Dawson: Really? You'd watch Rosario Dawson in anything? Even...
...The Adventures of Pluto Nash? Your own Owen Gleiberman gave the film a "D-" in his 2002 review. And check out this little tidbit from the all-powerful, all-knowing IMDB:

In absolute terms, this movie made the largest financial loss of any movie to date, with a budget of $100 million and a total US gross of $4.41 million (total loss, $95.59 million).

Pluto Nash was a complete failure that internet movie reviewer Mr. Cranky called "unscreenably awful" and Ethan Alter of Film Journal International described as "everything you don't go to the movies for." But you would totally watch it because Rosario Dawson's name is on the cast list, EW? BULLSHIT!

Other films starring Rosario Dawson I couldn't care less about: Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (WTF???), Seven Pounds, Eagle Eye, Alexander

Films with Rosario Dawson that I like: Clerks II, Sin City, 25th Hour, Kids

2. Will Ferrell: Oh, man, I love Will Ferrell too. He's so funny! So, you'd watch him in anything, eh, EW? Even, oh, I don't know...

...Land of the Lost? I don't know one person who even enjoyed the trailer for Land of the Lost. I'm too young to be nostalgic for the 1974 television series and I'm too old and frugal to spend $9.50 to watch Ron Burgundy run away from CGI dinosaurs. Owen Gleiberman was being generous when he gave the the film a "C" rating on the pages of Entertainment Weekly. I think Digital Spy's Stella Papamichael put it best: "Like a valley of sedimentary rock, [Land of the Lost] is comprised of layer upon crumbling layer of dumbness."

To be fair, Will Ferrell was nominated for a Teen Choice Award for his role as Dr. Rick Marshall. He lost to Zac Efron.

Other awful movies starring Will Ferrell: Bewitched, Melinda and Melinda

"Meh" movies starring Will Ferrell: Semi-Pro (two funny scenes), Blades of Glory

Will Ferrell classics: Anchorman, cameo in Wedding Crashers, Stranger Than Fiction (one of my favorite films of 2006), Elf

3. Colin Firth: No way! Colin Firth? You'd watch anything with Colin Firth in it? Even...
...What A Girl Wants? I don't know what What A Girl Wants is about, but based on the trailer it appears to be the story of a sassy American teenager who travels to England to meet her father and falls down a lot. It's your classic illegitimate-child-is-kin-to-stuffy-British-royalty-whom-she-teaches-to-ease-up-and-get-jiggy-with-it story. It's also named after a Christina Aguilera song. And it looks horrible. Colin Firth might give a powerhouse performance, but I'll never know because as a general rule I do not watch Amanda Bynes films, even though I've seen large chunks of She's The Man on five separate occasions.

I'm going to give Brian McKay of eFilmCritic.com the final word: "There's very little about it that isn't utterly predictable, and naturally all major setbacks are quickly and easily overcome after a minute and a half music montage, before the final happy ending pancake platter is doused in syrupy overkill."

Films I've actually seen starring Colin Firth: Bridget Jones' Diary (eh), The English Patient (blech), Shakespeare in Love (good)

Films starring Colin Firth that Nick keeps telling me to watch: Love Actually

4. Julianne Moore: I like Julianne Moore too, EW. Good pick! Only I'm not sure you thought this through entirely. You say you'd watch Julianne Moore in anything, but what about...
...The Forgotten? The only two things I remember about The Forgotten are that people were being mysteriously pulled into the sky by some unseen force whenever they were about to reveal what was going on and that it sucked...sucked hard. Listen, I get it, Moore is an outstanding actor, one of my favorites, and maybe that's why we gloss over tragic missteps like The Forgotten when we put together these stupid lists. As rampant list makers, we should try harder.

Movies featuring Julianne Moore that I like very much: Magnolia, The Big Lebowski, Boogie Nights, Children of Men, The Lost World, the upcoming Matt Lawson/Julianne Moore sex tape (kidding, honey!)

5. Tom Selleck: Wait. Was this a typo? Did you mean Tom Sizemore? You'd watch Tom Selleck in anything, even...
...a Speedo? You felt comfortable putting Tom Selleck on a list that included Daniel Day Lewis and Alan Rickman? Blasphemy! Explain yourself:

With the perfect mix of movie-star good looks and a boyish persona, the famously mustachioed Tom Selleck rocked Magnum, P.I. And His Sexiness cropped up in Las Vegas and Boston Legal — and in his ongoing series of Jesse Stone TV movies — proving that he's both wonderfully throwback in nature while still being modern as all get-out.

What the WTF???