1. MICHAEL JACKSON FINALLY EFFING BURIED! SHEESH!Zombie Michael Jackson was finally gunned down Friday afternoon after terrorizing the citizenry of several towns in Southern California for the past 10 weeks. Authorities say they are glad the long nightmare is over and are confident that the voodoo spell placed on Zombie Michael by Papa Nightwind, the world famous internet witch doctor, will keep Jackson in the ground for good. "If worse comes to worse," Captain Lynn Chatam told reporters, "we've got plenty of brains on stand-by to hold him at bay until the National Guard can assist us."
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I've just been informed by our news department that absolutely nothing in the preceding paragraph is anywhere close to the truth. I'm sorry. I guess I just read that the King of Pop was buried 10 weeks after his death and assumed that it was because he had become a rampaging zombie. Easy mistake. We won't let it happen again.
2. ONE OF THEM HAS GOT TO BE GAY, RIGHT?This just in: Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have had sex for the 19th time. That's right, TV's most wholesome family (Suck it, Jon and Kate, you has-beens!) is adding another whelp to the brood. Way to go, Jim Bob Duggar's sperm! Another home run! Now STOP ALREADY!
3. ELMO SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS!"
3. ELMO SAYS, "WASH YOUR HANDS!"Good news, everybody: swine flu is back and this time it ain't taking no for an answer. Won't somebody think of the children?!
The federal government is reintroducing a powerful weapon in the fight against the H1N1 flu virus: Elmo.
That's right, Elmo the Muppet is gonna to save us all from the certain death H1N1 promises. One need only to consume the sweet flesh of Sesame Street's most beloved citizen to ward off the evil spirits that make-up the swine flu virus. The Muppet-meat has been marinated, cut into thin strips, and dried. This Elmo jerky is then blessed by a priest, sprinkled with holy water, and given communion. The jerky is than placed between the pages of a Bible for three nights.
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I'm being told I should read on. I don't know how that'll help, but here we go:
The popular Sesame Street character will be featured in a series of public service advertisements meant to encourage better hygiene among young children, the Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday.
In the ads, Elmo teams up with Gordon, another Sesame Street veteran, to stress the importance of basic healthy habits such as frequent hand washing, sneezing into the bend of your arm, and not touching your mouth, nose, and eyes.
In the ads, Elmo teams up with Gordon, another Sesame Street veteran, to stress the importance of basic healthy habits such as frequent hand washing, sneezing into the bend of your arm, and not touching your mouth, nose, and eyes.
Oh. So, no puppet jerky? OK. Fine. Elmo's gonna tell kids to refrain from nose picking and the Department of Health of Human Services think it's going to work? Good luck, guys, but I'm telling you, it's going to fail. Kids love Elmo, true, but thumb sucking, nose picking, and booger eating are the toddler national pastimes. If Elmo had nostrils I'm confident the first thing he would do is shove his fingers up in them.
4. I PROMISE I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU. THESE ARE ONLY HEADLINES. I'M NOT MAD.
4. I PROMISE I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU. THESE ARE ONLY HEADLINES. I'M NOT MAD.Here's a tip: when writing an e-mail to your friend from New Zealand, try to avoid using too many capital letters. And while you're at it, avoid putting words in bold or making them a different color, specifically red. See, New Zealanders find this way of writing "confrontational," it "hurts their feelings" because they are "pussies." One woman, a Kiwi herself, learned this the hard way:
An Auckland accountant [Vicki Walker] was sacked for sending "confrontational" emails with words in red, in bold and in capital letters.
ProCare told the [authorities] Walker - who was fired in December 2007 after two years of employment - had caused disharmony in the workplace by using block capitals, bold typeface and red text in her emails.
But Walker said they talked about a number of emails she had sent, yet used only one in evidence. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: "To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist."
ProCare told the [authorities] Walker - who was fired in December 2007 after two years of employment - had caused disharmony in the workplace by using block capitals, bold typeface and red text in her emails.
But Walker said they talked about a number of emails she had sent, yet used only one in evidence. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: "To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist."
I've worked in an office for two and a half years and I can totally back up the claim that anything designed to make things work more efficiently and logically can cause major disharmony among employees. People don't work an office job to go above and beyond the very minimum of what's expected. They go for the benefits and stay for the birthday cake.
They also look for petty reasons to bust somebody's balls, like, I don't know, complaining that someone is being confrontational thru e-mail. To me, a confrontational e-mail contains words and phrases of a hurtful nature ("ass-hat;" "poo for brains;" "I'm literally going to murder you at your desk, you ass-hat." etc.). Instructional e-mails with the vital portions written in all caps are all right by me because I like to skim work e-mails for the important stuff, of which there is usually very little. Firing someone for using all caps in an e-mail is like firing someone because they are Mexican. That's right. It's racist.
5. LEGS FOR LUCKYFinally this morning, Lucky the Turtle finally got his robot legs. Hooray! Now he can aid Gamera in the ongoing fight against Godzilla, King Ghidora, and the rest of them for ultimate Japanese-monster dominance.
When Lucky the turtle's legs were chewed to bits on July 31, his owner feared the mangled and bloody stumps would be too much for him to bear, the Press Democrat of Santa Rosa reported.
But the tenacious terrapin wasn't giving in, so owner Sally Pyne sought help from a local vet with experience in reptile care.
Veterinary surgeon Robert Jereb attached plastic sliders — the small discs usually stuck underneath chairs and table legs — to get Lucky back on his feet again, the paper reported.
Jereb stacked the discs two high and taped them to Lucky's stomach, restoring him to his usual height and allowing the turtle to propel himself with his hind legs, pushing from the back and sliding along in front.
But the tenacious terrapin wasn't giving in, so owner Sally Pyne sought help from a local vet with experience in reptile care.
Veterinary surgeon Robert Jereb attached plastic sliders — the small discs usually stuck underneath chairs and table legs — to get Lucky back on his feet again, the paper reported.
Jereb stacked the discs two high and taped them to Lucky's stomach, restoring him to his usual height and allowing the turtle to propel himself with his hind legs, pushing from the back and sliding along in front.
Wait a minute. A veterinary surgeon taped plastic sliders to Lucky's stomach? Those aren't super sweet robo-legs? This has been the the worst news week ever. No Michael Jackson zombie. No Elmo-jerky. No super-powered robo-turtle. This is bull-crap, man!
