I have a theory that the animosity that exists between Maleficent and The Three Good Fairies in Sleeping Beauty boils down to one thing: tits. You see, the The Three Good Fairies are quite bosomy, while Maleficent is, as a thoughtless high school boy might say, flat as a board (I cannot attest to how easy she is to nail). I'd be pissed off too if three jowly, Golden Girl-wannabes kept flaunting their perky, D-cup breasts in front of me, while I was cursed to go through life evil, horned, and boobless. And, I mean, what else are you gonna do with your time but master the black arts? I can't imagine Maleficent is getting asked on many dates. You try to steal second base and suddenly she's a dragon and your dick is gone. 
Sleeping Beauty isn't what I'd describe as a "boy movie," which is probably the reason I never saw it growing up. Sure, a lot of the films on our list so far have featured beautiful princesses and mushy love stories, but there's something a lot mushier going on in this one. I don't know why, but Sleeping Beauty failed to engage my inner child, in fact, he was restless the entire time:"Dis is bo-wing. Can we watch the dinosaur movie?"
"C'mon, Inner Child, I've got to watch this for the 30 Days of Disney feature. You know I owe it to my readers to follow through."
"But I wanna watch the dinosaur movie!"
"What dinosaur movie? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Awwwww! I'm telling Mommy you cussed."
"I'm sorry, OK? Listen, just play with your Battle Beasts or something. It's only got 15 minutes left."
"I want ice cweam!"
"I promise, right after the movie, I'll get you some ice cream, all right? Just be quiet for a little longer, OK?"
"OK. Yummm, ice cweam!"
Yes, my inner child speaks with a lisp. And he's a fatty. He's also pretty right about Sleeping Beauty. It is kind of boring. Nothing really happens until those final 15 minutes, then it's all sinister briar patches, demonic dragons, and green fire. I guess it was just difficult for me to get into a movie in which the main characters are three geriatric fairies who spend the bulk of their time bickering dress patterns.
My favorite part: Princess Aurora communes with nature, a la Snow White; sinister briar patch, demonic dragon, and green fire.Arbitrary Grade: C+
