On one level, I can understand why Michael Jackson was so hung up on Peter Pan. Peter lives in a perpetual state of childlike wonderment, while Jackson, as we were reminded repeatedly by Madonna Sunday night, never experienced a good, old-fashioned childhood with bubbles and puppies and bedtime stories. Michael went straight from being pummeled with a switch by his gargoyle-faced father to carrying his brothers to international superstardom as lead singer of the Jackson 5. When you're the front man for a music group, there's very little time for Simon Says and Freeze Tag. You've gotta rehearse, you've gotta perform, and you've gotta shill Pepsi no matter how detrimental it is for your scalp. A life like that of a young Michael Jackson sounds appealing to those of us who've passed into adulthood, but think back to when you were a carefree grade-schooler and tell me you'd rather be hanging out in a recording studio watching Diana Ross do another damn take. Of course not! You'd rather be running around outside, jumping in puddles and riding your bike up and down the street. Being a kid is super fun!So, yeah, I see why Jackson loved the idea of Peter Pan so much, however, I can't understand how he reconciled the never growing up thing with the cold, hard fact that Peter Pan is kind of an asshole. Kind of a big asshole. And while were at it, Tinkerbell, his twinkling little pixie companion, is a straight up bitch. I don't know how long it's been since you've seen Peter Pan, but within the first 15 minutes, Tink tries to have Wendy killed. Not scratched or tousled, but fucking killed dead. That is all kinds of screwed up. The next time I see a pudgy, scraggly-haired mom in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and acid wash jeans buying her chubby, whiny, chocolate-smeared daughter a Tinkerbell t-shirt at the local Super Wal-mart, I'm going to calmly step in between their soft, round bellies and ask the mother, who will more than likely smell like a combination of Marlboros, hairspray, and KFC gravy, "Is that really the kind of role model you want for your child? She did try to murder someone, you know."
And don't even get me started on the Lost Boys. They need a good hard spanking and maybe a whack across the chops for good measure. They're dirty, crude, and a little racist. And the mermaids--THE MERMAIDS! They attempt to drown poor Wendy while Peter Pan looks on and laughs. Where the hell is Gloria Ballard when you need her? Let Ms. Ballard loose in Neverland for a couple of hours and things might get a little more tolerable. Honestly, the most sympathetic character in the film is Captain Hook and he is supposed to be the villain.
And don't even get me started on the Lost Boys. They need a good hard spanking and maybe a whack across the chops for good measure. They're dirty, crude, and a little racist. And the mermaids--THE MERMAIDS! They attempt to drown poor Wendy while Peter Pan looks on and laughs. Where the hell is Gloria Ballard when you need her? Let Ms. Ballard loose in Neverland for a couple of hours and things might get a little more tolerable. Honestly, the most sympathetic character in the film is Captain Hook and he is supposed to be the villain.Peter Pan is that rare film that can be enjoyed by children and adults on totally different levels at the exact same time. When I was a kid, I wanted to take part in the Lost Boys shenanigans. I wanted to fight pirates and hunt Injuns. I didn't want to grow up because grown-ups were boring. Grown-ups didn't watch cartoons. Grown-ups didn't gulp down overflowing bowls of Nintendo cereal. Grown-ups went to church...and liked it! I never wanted to stop going to Graham's house to play He-Man for hours or watch Spaceballs for the millionth time. I wanted to sit in front of Super Mario 3 all day everyday while my mother kept an endless supply of personal pan pizzas from Pizza Hut on hand for my snacking pleasure. Growing up was for losers. I wanted to have fun forever. Peter Pan was my hero, the personification of all my stupid, little kid ideals as to what made life worth living.
As an adult, I have a great affection for Wendy. She's a child herself, yes, but she is also the voice of reason. It's fine to tell stories and have high-spirited sword fights with your bespectacled older brother, but sometimes you've got to, I don't know, clean your room or eat a vegetable or move out of the nursery. Watching her try to teach these important life lessons to Peter, Tink, and the Lost Boys is exhausting.
My favorite part: All of the chicks in Neverland--Tinkerbell, Tiger Lily, the mermaids of Mermaid Cove--are super hot. How are a bunch of little boys ever going to appreciate that? Those ladies need a man to step in and show 'em what's what. A man with some skills. I'm willing to be that man. Put me in the next pointless Peter Pan sequel and give that shit an "R" rating. Oh yeah.
Arbitrary Grade: B
