1. RYAN O'NEAL: A LIFETIME OF FAILEarlier this year, GEP asked the question "Would you masturbate in front of Ryan O'Neal for a new car?" The answer to that question is obviously 'yes', but what if said inquiry involved something a tad bit more disturbing than the notion of rubbing one out with Ryan O'Neal? What if it involved cocaine, 11 year olds, and incest? What if the question was something like, "If Ryan O'Neal was your dad and he fed you a big bag of coke when you were 11 years old and then years later made a pass at your half-sister during his girlfriend's funeral, would you just keep quiet about it and bide your time until he offed himself David Carradine-style thus making you the heir to his vast fortune or would you blab about it and further expose your dad's unending creepiness to the world at large?"
This week, O'Neal's estranged son, Griffin, recounted to Larry King a particularly disturbing story from his turbulent childhood:
"I was 11 years old when he gave me cocaine and said we are going to see a long movie called Barry Lyndon. He said 'It is a very long movie. Maybe this will help you'. I was 11. I could never, ever do that to my child."
I don't know which is worse: giving your kid a bunch of cocaine or making him sit through Barry Lyndon. Ugh.
Then at Farrah Fawcett's funeral, O'Neal comes on to his own daughter. Oh, yeah. O'Neal himself told this story to the press. Creep:
"I had just put the casket in the hearse and was watching it drive away, when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me," he told the magazine's September issue in a lengthy interview, the creepiest portions of which are excerpted online.
"I said to her, 'You have a drink on you? You have a car?' She said, 'Daddy, it's me—Tatum!' I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it's my daughter. It's so sick."
Nothing funnier than hitting on a Swedish stranger at your girlfriend's funeral.
2. IOWA: COME FOR THE GAY MARRIAGE, STAY FOR THE ATHEISM!
2. IOWA: COME FOR THE GAY MARRIAGE, STAY FOR THE ATHEISM!In a lot of ways, atheists are just as irritating as the highly religious. Christians think they have some Divine Right to the hearts, minds, and governmental institutions of the United States, while atheists often go out of their way to prove how much smarter they are than everyone else. I'm no fan of religion, in fact, I'm pretty vocal in my anti-religiousness. I'm not, however, an atheist. Nor am I an agnostic. I'm just not a fan of organized religion, willful ignorance, or blind stupidity.
I'm also not fond of bus ad inequality. Allow me to explain. In Des Moines, Iowa this week, ads placed on city buses by the Iowa Atheist and Free Thinkers Group promoting the idea that it's OK not to believe in the standard God-Jesus-Bible paradigm, were removed after it was observed by bus drivers that "people weren't getting on buses or getting off the buses because of [them]." How dumb are you that you won't get on a bus plastered with an ad for atheism? "That bus is bound for hell!" Wrong, numbnuts, it still just goes downtown.
So, ads with the innocuous message "Don't believe in God? You're not alone" were torn off of buses in the town of Des Moines, huh? First, how is that fair? I don't enjoy being around women who saturate themselves in offensive-smelling perfumes, but that wouldn't stop me from getting on a bus featuring a perfume ad. It's that dirty guy in the backseat with his penis hanging out of his pants keeping me off of public transportation. That guy's behavior is totally unacceptable.
Secondly, Christian propaganda is everywhere. The atheists can't have a few bus ads? I can't walk by the courthouse downtown without some grinning old timer handing me a Chick tract, but I wouldn't dream of contacting the police department and asking him to be forcibly removed from the courthouse steps. He's out there doing his thing, just like the guy who rode by on his bike yesterday and called out "Hey, Jesus loves you and He has risen" (I said "thank you") and the elderly couple who handed my ex-girlfriend a brochure explaining the process of salvation (How did they know she was a whore?). Everybody should have a say, so what's the harm in a few bus ads? Atheists and Christians are both wrong anyway. Everyone knows when you die you become the god of your own planet, unless you're a woman. They get to be pregnant for all eternity. Praise the Lord.
3. CORPSE DADVermont Man Charged With Digging Up Dad: Police Say Man Brought Remains Home
When I read this I was horrified. "OMG," I thought (because I always think in internet slang), "I love my dad too, but I wouldn't dig up his rotting corpse and take it home with me. I think the memories of all the good times we shared when he was alive would sustain me through the tough times. Having his physical body around, all maggot-infested and gross, wouldn't be a good thing, in fact, it would be the complete fucking opposite. Sick!"
Like I said, I was horrified, but also intrigued. A man dug up his dead father and took the body home with him to live for always and ever? Gross...and awesome!
Then, I read the article:
A Vershire man has been accused of digging up his father's remains and bringing them home with him because he missed his late father.
Dominik A. Bailey Jr., 43, has been charged with felony removal of human remains after allegedly digging up the cremated man's remains from a Vershire graveyard.
Thetford police said they received a call from Bailey's mother on Friday telling authorities that she believed her son had gone and dug up her husband's cremated remains, taking the remains and the headstone home with him. The mother said she was going to check the grave site and later told police all she saw at the site was a hole in the ground.
Wait. So, Bailey dug up ashes? What the fuck's the problem? I mean, sure, headstones are probably pretty expensive, so he should have to compensate his mother for that, but he can't have his father's ashes? That's ridiculous. And who buries cremated remains? Aren't you supposed to sprinkle those around the deceased's favorite spot, like, the beach or something? I've instructed the wife to spread my ashes throughout Walt Disney World, on rides and around food stands yet to be determined. Bailey missed his old man and wanted his ashes around because it comforted him, and now he could be facing up to 15 years in prison and a hefty fine.
4. HERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND...HOW I COULD JUST KILL A GOATBo the goat is dead. I know, I know...that isn't what you want to read about on Saturday morning, but it's important news and needs to be reported. If you need a couple of minutes to compose yourself, we understand. Take a step back from the computer, gather your children to your bosom if you must, tell them you love them...whatever you've got to do. We'll wait.
Bo was mowed down in a hail of gunfire by Mount Pleasant, Tennessee super prick Kenneth Long and his neighbor, sweet Robin Swindle, witnessed the whole bloody thing:
"To see somebody shoot him within a couple of feet from you and then say he's going to shoot you if you try to get him, I didn't ever know he was dead at first because he was still twitching," said Swindle. "He had brought his truck up, and he just picked him up and slung him in the back of his truck."
That's the last she saw of Bo.
Bo is survived by his partner, Maggie, a dwarf goat, and will be sorely missed by the rosy-cheeked children of Mount Pleasant who enjoyed learning about animals from him in some way the article isn't exactly clear about.
At least Bo won't destroy your pumpkin crop anymore, Kenny, you monster!
5. MORE REASONS NEVER TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE
5. MORE REASONS NEVER TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSEI spend most of my weekends in the front yard of my house downing beers and using my neighbor's goat for target practice. Hey, I work hard all week and it's how I unwind, so get off my balls. When I'm out there, drunk and trigger-happy, however, I don't expect jagged chunks of metal to fall from the sky and strike me about the head and neck. I expect sky things to stay in the sky in an unfalling manner.
A Dearborn, Michigan man wasn't so lucky this week. He was just hanging out on his porch one morning, minding his own damn business, when...WHAMMMO...airplane debris falls from the sky and obliterates his skull. Well, not exactly:
It happened Monday morning while he was out on his porch. At first, Beydoun thought it may have been a piece off his chimney liner that fell off. Just as he was about to throw it away, he started reading what was on it. He says he knew it must have come off a plane flying above.
Beydoun believes it weighs about a quarter-ounce. He wasn't cut by its sharp edges, but he says it did leave him with a bump on his head.
Beydoun believes it weighs about a quarter-ounce. He wasn't cut by its sharp edges, but he says it did leave him with a bump on his head.
OK. It left a bump, but still, what kind of a world do we live where airplane parts can come lose and fall on us? It's enough to make me a hermit.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Matt, you're being silly. People aren't getting crushed by airplane parts willy-nilly. It is a rarity at best. You don't have anything to worry about." Oh, yeah? Well, it ain't just airplanes, sister. Mother Nature's out to fuck up our shit too:
A young woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a freak accident took her life.
The victim has been identified as Katie Ladany. She was originally from Montclair, N.J., but lived in Philadelphia according to police.
Ladany, a recent graduate of Bucknell University and a teacher at the Dobbins Career and Technical Education High School, was killed Wednesday night off Forbidden Drive in Fairmount Park when a large limb snapped off a tree in Wissahickon Park and crashed down on her while she was jogging.
The victim has been identified as Katie Ladany. She was originally from Montclair, N.J., but lived in Philadelphia according to police.
Ladany, a recent graduate of Bucknell University and a teacher at the Dobbins Career and Technical Education High School, was killed Wednesday night off Forbidden Drive in Fairmount Park when a large limb snapped off a tree in Wissahickon Park and crashed down on her while she was jogging.
OK, so maybe jagged pieces of heavy metal tumbling from the heavens and smacking Michiganders on the head is a rare occurrence, but trees are everywhere. Look outside your window right now. What do you see? Trees! Trees just waiting to crush your brain and snuff you out. That's it. I'm never leaving this basement again. It's been nice knowing you.
6. A NICE DAY FOR A HICK WEDDINGAnd finally, someone went and made my ultimate dream a reality. No, not the one about the pizza covered with tacos. This week a Sacramento couple got married in a Walmart. Oh, boy! Isn't getting married at Wal-mart kind of like saying, "I give up at life. Go ahead, everyone in the world, ridicule me. I deserve nothing more than your eternal scorn."
I kid. GEP would like to congratulate the happy couple and remind you that they are registered at K-mart.
Awkward.
