I love my cat, but I've come to a place in my life where run-of-the-mill pets (cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, hermit crabs) leave me listless. I long for something more exotic, perhaps something that I can ride to work or carry around in my pocket in case a street fight breaks out and I need a little critter who can get my back. Hence, the following list.
1. Yoshi: Global warming will kill us all in the next few years unless we start living "green." Now, I don't know what that means, but I sure hear enough movie stars and hippies crying about it on TV every three seconds. One way we can help stave off Mother Earth's eventual death is to get rid of our cars and find a cleaner way to get around. That's where Yoshi comes in. If Yoshi can cart a chubby, Italian plumber around for countless Nintendo titles, I think he's up to the task of moving fat-assed Americans from Point A to Point B. And forget high gas prices: Yoshi runs on fruit and turtle shells. Fuck you, oil companies!
2. Pikachu: If there is anything cuter than Pikachu hopping around the cultural landscape, I haven't seen it. Pikachu is loyal, friendly, and full of dangerous levels of electricity. I wouldn't describe him as the sharpest shooter in Lago (after all, in almost 15 years he's never learned to say anything but his own name), but he certainly would come in handy during a power outage. And as a pokemon, Pikachu has no problem spending his downtime crammed in a red and white ball roughly the size of a toddler's palm, though I've been told he's more fond of riding on one's head.
3. Gizmo the mogwai: True, followed to the letter of the law, the rules governing the proper care and feeding of a mogwai would result in starvation and death, but most anything falls apart when you think about it too much (the plot to Back to the Future, the war on drugs, Christianity). All that really matters is that mogwais are cute, cuddly, and excellent singers. Cared for properly, mogwais can be loyal, lifetime companions; improperly, well, the less said about that the better.
4. Squirtle: Any Pokemon would make a great pet (except Staryu--it's just a stupid starfish!), but not all of them could double as a bidet. Hear me out! I'm not saying that would be my primary use for old Squirtle, I'm just saying maybe, if he didn't think it was weird and I promised things wouldn't be awkward later, I might ask him to help clean me up down there once in awhile.
5. Mac: Not only is Mac friendly to cripples and an excellent whistler, but the little guy lives on Big Macs and Coca-Cola products, and during these tough economic times, don't you want a companion you can feed exclusive from the McDonald's Dollar Menu? It makes good financial sense. I would avoid inviting Mac's parents around though, as they tend to get people shot.
6. Nibbler: Pro-Comes from a race of highly intelligent beings, so he would probably be a good conversationalist. Con-His shit weighs a ton and I already hate cleaning my cat's litterbox. I don't need this nightmare.
7. Falcor the luckdragon: Who hasn't wanted to take a high-flyin' ride on Falcor after watching The Neverending Story? That would be so fun--flying around, scaring the piss out of bullies. On the downside, and I hate to focus on fecal matter two fictional pets in a row, but this guy has got to have locomotive-sized turds, right? I mean, how do you even pick up after a luckdragon? A plastic Kroger bag just ain't gonna cut it.
8. Care Bear: A grizzly bear wouldn't think twice about taking your head off with one swing of its mighty paw, but Care Bears are different. They've risen about their bearish nature and chosen to befriend the human race. And Care Bears want you to feel good about yourself, share your feelings, open yourself up to the possibility of friendship and love. They're kind of like adorable, fuzzy Zoloft for your heart. Awwwwww!
9. Trumpy: Not only is Trumpy an alien from another planet, but he can do stupid things! (7:10)
1. Yoshi: Global warming will kill us all in the next few years unless we start living "green." Now, I don't know what that means, but I sure hear enough movie stars and hippies crying about it on TV every three seconds. One way we can help stave off Mother Earth's eventual death is to get rid of our cars and find a cleaner way to get around. That's where Yoshi comes in. If Yoshi can cart a chubby, Italian plumber around for countless Nintendo titles, I think he's up to the task of moving fat-assed Americans from Point A to Point B. And forget high gas prices: Yoshi runs on fruit and turtle shells. Fuck you, oil companies! 
2. Pikachu: If there is anything cuter than Pikachu hopping around the cultural landscape, I haven't seen it. Pikachu is loyal, friendly, and full of dangerous levels of electricity. I wouldn't describe him as the sharpest shooter in Lago (after all, in almost 15 years he's never learned to say anything but his own name), but he certainly would come in handy during a power outage. And as a pokemon, Pikachu has no problem spending his downtime crammed in a red and white ball roughly the size of a toddler's palm, though I've been told he's more fond of riding on one's head.
3. Gizmo the mogwai: True, followed to the letter of the law, the rules governing the proper care and feeding of a mogwai would result in starvation and death, but most anything falls apart when you think about it too much (the plot to Back to the Future, the war on drugs, Christianity). All that really matters is that mogwais are cute, cuddly, and excellent singers. Cared for properly, mogwais can be loyal, lifetime companions; improperly, well, the less said about that the better.
4. Squirtle: Any Pokemon would make a great pet (except Staryu--it's just a stupid starfish!), but not all of them could double as a bidet. Hear me out! I'm not saying that would be my primary use for old Squirtle, I'm just saying maybe, if he didn't think it was weird and I promised things wouldn't be awkward later, I might ask him to help clean me up down there once in awhile. 
5. Mac: Not only is Mac friendly to cripples and an excellent whistler, but the little guy lives on Big Macs and Coca-Cola products, and during these tough economic times, don't you want a companion you can feed exclusive from the McDonald's Dollar Menu? It makes good financial sense. I would avoid inviting Mac's parents around though, as they tend to get people shot.
6. Nibbler: Pro-Comes from a race of highly intelligent beings, so he would probably be a good conversationalist. Con-His shit weighs a ton and I already hate cleaning my cat's litterbox. I don't need this nightmare.
7. Falcor the luckdragon: Who hasn't wanted to take a high-flyin' ride on Falcor after watching The Neverending Story? That would be so fun--flying around, scaring the piss out of bullies. On the downside, and I hate to focus on fecal matter two fictional pets in a row, but this guy has got to have locomotive-sized turds, right? I mean, how do you even pick up after a luckdragon? A plastic Kroger bag just ain't gonna cut it.
8. Care Bear: A grizzly bear wouldn't think twice about taking your head off with one swing of its mighty paw, but Care Bears are different. They've risen about their bearish nature and chosen to befriend the human race. And Care Bears want you to feel good about yourself, share your feelings, open yourself up to the possibility of friendship and love. They're kind of like adorable, fuzzy Zoloft for your heart. Awwwwww!
9. Trumpy: Not only is Trumpy an alien from another planet, but he can do stupid things! (7:10)
