I've worked in an office environment for over two years now, so I think I know a little something about winning friends and influencing people in the workplace. Today's installment of our popular Great Jobs series is designed to help newly employed schmoes like youself prosper in an office-type setting. Let's get started.1. Decorate your work work area with things you like (pictures of babies, well-known quotations, a plush cactus that dances to the radio, etc.)--this will spark conversation with your fellow employees. For example, a few months ago my wife colored a picture of Hello Kitty and her friends enjoying a traveling circus and presented it to me as a gift. I took it to the office and hung it in my cubicle. Now, at least once a week, one of the attorneys at work will stop me in the break room to ask me an awkward Hello Kitty related question that I can't possibly even begin to answer.
2. Be prepared--memorize some popular office exchanges and use them often.
Example 1
Employee #1: How was your weekend?
Employee #2: Not long enough! Sheesh!
Example 2
Employee #3: How's it going?
Supervisor: What day is it?
Employee #3: Wednesday.
Supervisor: Ask me again on Friday. (I participated in this very conversation on the elevator yesterday! Fun!)
Example 3
Employee #4: Did you see Cathy's new haircut?
Employee #5: Cathy's a bitch.
Employee #4: I wish it was Friday.
Employee #5: I know, right?
3. Practice and perfect a fake laugh--this is essential for gaining the respect and trust of your immediate supervisor, fellow employees, and that member of the janitorial staff with the porn mustache and the Jheri curl. You know the one--he's always looking you up and down, smoothing that mustache with his tongue, trying to show you pictures of his godson.
4. Be on everybody's side--don't choose a team, don't share your honest opinion--figure out the opinion of whoever you're talking to and make it your own for at least the duration of the conversation.5. Don't give out too much information about yourself up front--remain a mystery for as long as you can. For example, people in my office still aren't aware that I don't care for Hot Pockets or that I have in my possession undeniable proof that the sit-com ALF is based on a true, ongoing story.
6. Keep detailed records of every single thing you do--someone will try to screw you, so you've got to be protect yourself. It's a lot easier to shift the blame for a fuck-up to somebody else when you have notarized documents and photographic evidence.
7. Don't trust anyone ever! They're jackals--all of 'em!
