Well, this year’s 2009 NCAA championship in basketball for men is officially over, and it’s time to review the most interesting part of that great tradition: the governors bets! This years bet is doubly exciting because it’s most likely maybe the first time the governors of both the winning and losing basketball squads have ever been women! And women are catty. I know because women are always telling me how mean they are to each other. They make TV shows about it. Ann Coulter’s a woman, right? She’s so mean! So what humiliation must the Michigan female governor endure? Here’s what NC Chief Exec. Bev Purdue’s website has to say:
“The governor from the losing team’s state must be photographed wearing the winning team's jersey and hat while dining on local food from that team’s state. The governor of the losing team will also donate $100 to a food bank in the winning team's state."
Wait, what? That’s not humiliating at all. So Gov. Jennifer M. Granholm of Michigan has to wear a UNC jersey (it doesn’t have spikes or poison fibers in it or anything) and eat some delicious pork BBQ, probably accompanied by an assortment of sauces and sides representing the three geographical regions of this great state. She’ll probably enjoy it and not bleed at all.
Does this strike anyone else as a little weak? Where’s the hair-pulling? The humiliating song-singing? The fat jokes? Nobody has to shave their head, walk around naked, or say they’re a bad girl? For shame. Remember the good old days of gubernatorial sports betting, like when Indiana Governor Mark Button had to kiss Wisconsin Governor Stan Hinton on his naked bottom? Remember when legendary dustbowl-era Oklahoma Governor Buck Grungler peed in then California Governor Jeb McAllister’s Kellogg's Corn Flakes brand cereal? What about the time New Hampshire Governor Steve Yorkie fondled Massachusetts Governor Harley Randel’s genitalia while his wife and 400 reporters watched? That was in 1894. Remember Gov. Jerek literally eating poo from a Wisconsin milk cow? Gov. Lester shaving himself bald and sticking his head up the birth canal of a Florida matinee? Gov. Ward doing intercourse with a South Carolina pig while wearing a Gamecocks jersey and eating shrimp
and grits?
I supposes in this new era where government is open to all, including those with (sigh) compassion, tact, and shame, we’re just going to have to get used to less-entertaining political sports bets, but that shouldn’t keep us from remembering the glorious days of yore when a man could force another man to lick his filthy anus because a sports team he had nothing to do with competing in a sport he most likely didn't understand won a game he probably didn’t even watch.
