It's A Great Job If You Can Get It

Record numbers of Americans are out of work all over this country. In these troubling times, gainful employment is imperative for survival, but many jobless citizens of this great nation find themselves confused, depressed, rendered unmotivated by the soul-crushing devastation they see around them. "How do you expect me to climb out of my lice-infested sleeping bag each morning, bathe myself in the men's room at Hardees, and set off on a job hunt when hopelessness surrounds me like a dense cloud of corpse-hungry flies?" We hear you, America, that is why until the current job situation starts to improve GEP will provide our readers with job ideas which will hopefully jump start your search for employment. It is, quite literally, the very least we can do. Job #1: Food Critic

Description: Who can't criticize food? This ham is too salty; these scrambled eggs are laughably unimaginative; this creme brulee tastes like snot wrapped in a Kleenex brand tissue--see?! Easy. People love to eat and criticize, so why not get paid to do it? Plus, food critics get sent to restaurants by newspapers and magazines, so you know what that means: free grub!

Skills Needed: vast quantities of pretentiousness; must be comfortable eating animal parts most people believe belong in a garbage bin.

Availability: GEP is looking for a qualified food critic. The job doesn't pay well (or at all) and you must purchase your own meals.

Job #2: Chairman of Kitchen Stadium

Description: As chairman of Kitchen Stadium on the popular Food Network program, Iron Chef America, actor Mark Dacascos performs acrobatics, talks funny, and makes whooshing noises with his hands. Then he sits down for an hour. He follows this hour of sitting with several minutes of eating. Sign me up, right?

Skills Needed: ability to perform a variety of flips and tumbles; must look good in suits; ability to say perfectly normal words in a strange, otherwordly fashion; must look Asiany.

Availability: Currently, Dacascos is still holding it down on Iron Chef America, but who knows, one of those flips might end badly one night and the position could open up for you...provided you are Asian. Job #3: IKEA Furniture Breaker-In

Description: You know when you go to IKEA and they have all those rooms set up and you sit down in a room you find particular inviting and the chair or couch is so friggin' comfortable you're fairly certain that despite the shuffling throngs of people surrounding you, you could totally fall asleep for a couple of hours? Someone's got to break that furniture in so that it's ready for public lounging, right? I mean, c'mon!

Skills Needed: high tolerance for sitting, lounging and relaxing; a fat ass.

Availability: I'm pretty sure this position doesn't exist, but perhaps the friendly Swedes at IKEA will stumble upon this post and like the idea. Job #4: Billy Mays

Description: Billy Mays is loud, excitable, and beardy. If these adjectives apply to you, you just might find yourself work as successful pitchman Billy Mays.

Skills Needed: ability to promote the Big City Slider Station with a straight face; must be fluent in yelling, screaming, or bellowing; must be able to grow a creepy beard on short notice; opposable thumbs.

Availability: There can only be one Billy Mays and until another Billy Mays challenges the current Billy Mays to a duel and sucessfully decapitates him, I'm afraid the position is currently filled.