1. The Amazing Race (ABC): Human-gecko/Hollywood screenwriter Mike White is apparently amazingly racing around the world with his father on the latest season of this mega-popular reality globetrotting adventure that I've never seen in my life. You may know White as the writer behind School of Rock or, my personal favorite, Chuck and Buck. I did see White, his father, and the other contestants rolling large wheels of cheese down a hillside and that was amusing, I guess.
2. From G's to Gents-Season 2 (Mtv): On the DVR. Haven't watched it yet.
3. Tool Academy (Vh1): A lot like From G's to Gents only here the contestants are just pathetic as opposed to frightening and pathetic. Plus, the Tools participate in various challenges with the girlfriends who brought them on the show in the first place. Favorite part of the show: when a contestant is expelled from the Academy, the program's host says, "So-and-so, I'm sorry, but you're just a tool." Classy.4. Spouse Switch (TNT): Oh, man, have you been watching Spouse Switch this season? It has been one humdinger after another! For instance, last week a born again mother of seven swapped places with a high priestess in the Church of Satan. The Christian lady's husband, a former youth pastor and current assistant manager at Chick-fil-A, was kind of a dick, making the Satanist eat in the basement and sleep in a padlocked coffin, but the Satanist husband was kind of a cool guy. He actually hand made a sombrero for the visiting wife. People sure do learn a lot about themselves on this show. It's neat.
5. 17 Kids and Counting (TLC): Last night the Duggars flew to El Salvador and handed out Christmas presents. They also gave candy, punch, and cookies to starving orphans, mocked the Spanish language, and laid hands on a sick baby. Why bring a poor, dying baby medicine when you've got the power of prayer? The Duggars are all right!
6. Hell's Kitchen (FOX): On the DVR. Haven't watched it yet. I prefer Top Chef now anyway.
7. The Dog Kickerer (Anti-Animal Planet): Time Warner Cable recently gave us a bunch of new channels (Bravo, Out&Proud, The Parade Network) and with them came a buttload of new reality shows, like this one from Anti-Animal Planet, a channel I don't really care for and whose programming I've been unfortunate enough to accidentally see while mindlessly flipping channels I wish I could burn forever from my brain. The Dog Kickerer is what you'd expect from a show that bills itself as "The Dog Whisperer's Evil Twin." Got a dog that won't behave? Cesar Millan not answering his phone? Call the Dog Kickerer. He'll come over to your house and kick your dog repeatedly until it shapes up, cowers and pisses itself whenever you enter a room, or dies. And it doesn't have to be dogs. I saw an episode last week where the Dog Kickerer (a former member of the Hell's Angels named Bunky) kicked the mess out of a insubordinate parakeet. Someone get this station removed from my TWC package. Please!
8. Jon and Kate Plus 8 (TLC): Jon and Kate bought a bigger house in which to shelter their lively brood. The house sits on several acres of land that includes a vast forest for hiking and camping. Unfortuanely, Jon has learned that the sextuplets absolutely hate hiking, but adore squashed rats and dried cow shit. Oh, and tractor rides! Kate still yells a lot, mostly about coupons.
9. The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo): Thanks to Time Warner Cable's addition of Bravo to my cable package (see above), I've been able to watch Conan O' Brien on Inside the Actor's Studio, discover superior cooking competition show Top Chef, and marvel at the vast stupidity of the filthy rich on Real Housewives. My favorite housewife is Gretchen, pictured here getting stupid drunk. At this particular dinner party, the grown son of one of her fake friends' that make up the remainder of the program's cast attempts to lure Gretchen into bed for some hot, drunken, MILFy sexual intercourse. This program is horrifying. I love it.
10. Retarded for a Day (Style): I think the title sums this one up pretty well: able-bodied people of average intelligence discover what it's like to be mentally disabled for a day. Participants are strapped into helmets, squeezed into ill-fitting outfits, and forced to endure the endless pity and "thumbs ups" of society. Most of the people involved don't make it through a whole day; some see the inherent advantages of such an existence and look for ways to remain permanently disabled. Whoever created this show should be tied to four horses and torn asunder. Horrible! You don't even win money.
11. Bad Girls Club (Oxygen): I've seen no more than 30 seconds of this show, but they were the right 30 seconds. Topless girls in a bubble bath fondling their own breasts? Check. Wet, soapy, topless girls being dragged by other scantily clad girls across a linoleum floor? Check. Topless girls running around an inground pool? Check.
12. American Idol (FOX): I decided not to write a regular column devoted to American Idol this season for the simple fact that I had hoped to avoid watching American Idol at all costs. I'm sad to report that the cultural juggernaut has grabbed hold of me once again and doesn't seem to want to let go. Where does that leave us? Well, I will occasionally take to Giant Electric to discuss some aspect of AI that has either elevated my spirit or royally pissed me off, but for the most part it should appear to our readers that I've never even heard of such a program let alone watched it religiously like a lonely old shut-in.
This season's final 36 have been chosen and America is currently in the process of whittling this down to an easier to handle Top 12. For the next three weeks, 12 contestants will perform (poorly) Tuesday night and on Wednesday night only the very best (i.e. most loved by those television viewers who have nothing better to do than call an 866 number all night long, voting for someone who will most likely never be heard from again after this season of American Idol is over) will remain: one girl, one guy, and one hemaphrodite. If there is no man-lady, then the next highest vote getter will advance. Week Four will be a wild card show and then American Idol can begin. That's right, the show proper hasn't even fucking started yet. Why do I do this to myself?
Aside from Ryan Seacrest's ill-advised high five with a blind contestant (above), the dumbest thing to happen so far this year has been the repeated approval given to painfully unfunny contestant Nick Mitchell and his glittery-shirt wearing alter ego, Norman Gentle. Nick-Norman, as the judges call him, is interesting only for the fact that they've never allowed an obvious saboteur to get this far in the competition. From Norman's first appearance it was obvious that his schtick was some kind of morning radio comedy bit or amateur improv gone horribly wrong. I don't know. Maybe the judges are putting up with his shenangins so they can revel in his tears when he finally breaks down and admits that it has all been a joke and that he can't go any further with his ruse. America's got your number, Nick-Norman. Your days are numbered!
And that's The Reality Report.
