When someone asks my choice for best actor of all time, I don't go the obvious route. It's easy to throw out names like De Niro or Pacino or Keanu. But I've never liked easy (unless we're talking about mathematics or video games), I don't subscribe to the hackneyed choices of my forefathers. I go with a man so versatile, he has mastered both the worlds of drama and comedy, giving flawless, memorable performances in both genres for almost two decades. On NBC's hit series Law and Order: Special Victims Unit he plays Detective Elliot Stabler, a no-nonsense tough guy with a soft spot in his heart for children and absolutely no qualms about doing whatever it takes to bust a perp. In the movie Wet Hot American Summer he played Gene, the Vietnam burn-out and head cook at Camp Towanda, a man who fondles his sweaters, humps fridges, and learns life lessons from a talking can of mixed vegetables. He also played a psychotic bi-sexual on Oz where I've been told he introduced America to his penis. 
I'm talking, of course, about the great Christopher Meloni, a man I admire so much, I've given him his own GEP feature, simply titled STABLER-WATCH. Whenever the need arises, STABLER-WATCH will inform you, our loyal readers, what Christopher Meloni is up to and why you should drop everything you are doing and take heed.Last night, Gym Teacher: The Movie premiered on Nickelodeon (it plays again tonight at 8 PM). The film stars Meloni as failed Olympic gymnast, Dave Stewie, who has become a gym teacher at Hamm Lake Middle School (home of the Fighting Hams--their mascot is a giant ham wearing a pineapple ring halo) and is given a second chance at glory when he enters his eighth grade gym class into the first annual Gym Teacher of the Year Competition. Unfortunately, Roland Waffle, a new student whose mother forces him to wear a helmet at all times, has just joined the class, and Stewie fears his participation will lead to another embarrassing defeat and another missed opportunity to appear on a box of Wheaties.
Initially, the desperate PE instructor attempts to get Waffle expelled by planting pirated DVD's in his locker. When Stewie realizes Waffle is the son of the school's new English teacher and the object of his awkward desires, he decides instead to privately train Roland in the delicate art of rope climbing after school, keeping it a secret from Waffle's overprotective mother. In the end, the Hams make it to the national finals, Roland's mother discovers her son's deception and takes him home, Stewie shoves club sandwiches in his pockets and gets comically drunk on protein shakes, Roland returns, lessons are learned, Stewie faces his fears, Bruce Jenner shows up, etc.
The premise of Gym Teacher is ridiculous, but what else would you expect from the studio that brought you Good Burger and Snow Day? It isn't the premise that makes Gym Teacher so enjoyable, it's the characters. In a sense, it's a kid-friendly version of the classic Strangers With Candy, which isn't much of surprise seeing that Gym Teacher was directed by Paul Dinello and co-stars Amy Sedaris as Principal Abby Hofmann and Dinello as an inept shop teacher. And don't take my use of the phrase kid-friendly the wrong way--this is a family comedy with an edge. The kids are funny, especially Nathan Kress as Roland Waffle, a character that could have easily been your typical helmeted spazz without Kress' charm and wit. He holds his own in his scenes with Meloni, who is at his most delightfully silly. Dave Stewie is a conflicted man. He wants to win no matter what, wants to redeem himself for his Olympic-sized screw up, a blooper we see on a cable sports program (hosted by a coked up Chris Kattan) at the beginning of the film. But, like Elliot Stabler, he loves children and wants nothing more than to see them succeed and learn to work as a team. He's a lovable oddball who learns a valuable lesson about facing your fears and being proud of who you are, be it an Olympic champion or a man who wears fitted shorts to work everyday.
