A GEP Look at Commemorative Plates

As much grief as we give Skymall, at least they don't sell commemorative plates. I have a hard time accepting commeorative plates. What are they for? Nobody eats off of them and if you wanted to you could only fit a few cheese slices and a couple Ritz crackers on one. Perhaps some vegetable dip, but where would you put the vegetables? The plates already full of cheese and Ritz crackers. You're all out of room! And what are you commemorating? NASCAR, British Royalty, and the boring tourist traps you've visited? Are these things worth commemorating? I will admit, as of this writing, I do have plates hanging on one wall of my kitchen, but they are not commemorative. They are full-sized plates and they totally have scenes from Alice in Wonderland on them.

A classic commemorative plate. Nothing says "I Heart Star Trek" better than a Mr. Spock commemorative plate. Nothing says "I'm a 45 Year Old Virgin" better either. I guess when you've got every other piece of shit memorabilia for the thing you love, you gotta have the commemorative plate as well. Incidentally, I can't do that "live long and prosper" hand thing, but virtually everyone else I've ever known can. Is there something medically wrong with me?


My point proven. You've got all the the Aquaman comic books, action figures (remember the one where you could squeeze his arms and his legs would kick? I had that one.), lunchboxes, and Band-Aids--now buy the plate. Lame things on lame plates are lame.
For those of you who cannot read the above joke because it is too small (or you never learned to read), the title of the piece is "12 Step Groupers" and the poorly-drawn fish at the podium is saying to the crowd of equally poorly-drawn fish, "Before I knew it, I was drinking like a fish." Who is this for? Certainly not your uncle who has just started AA. What is the message you are trying to send to Uncle Alky by giving him this wit-free decorative plate adornment? "Hey, Unk, I know you're an alcoholic and you need help, but check out this stupid plate. It's like totally making fun of drunken losers like you. Enjoy the plate, numbnuts!" A plate like this is downright insensitive. It also looks really shitty. It's like a badly drawn comic strip was glued to an elf's dinner plate.
This is Plate 3 in a series entitled "Portraits of Christ." So, that's supposed to be Jesus, eh? Looks more like a mystical wizard or some dork dressed as a mystical wizard for a long night of D&D shenanigans. He also kind of looks like an angry pimp who has just beaten his ho to death and is holding his bloodied hands out before him, looking to the heavens for forgiveness or just thinking "you saw, man, the bitch made me do it." Yeah. He looks like one of those guys, not Jesus.