1. It's OK to be a late bloomer. Heck, it's OK to save yourself for the woman you will someday fall in love with. Abstinence isn't just for youth groups and cockteases anymore! It's actually quite offensive that society views men to be perpetually erected horndogs unendingly searching for something to stick their dicks in. You might be saying, "Yeah, but dude, virgins are gay," and you couldn't be further from the truth (unless you are actually talking about a homosexual virgin--then, yes, that virgin would, technically, be gay). 4o Year Old Virgin's Andy Stitzer was simply suffering from a confidence problem, and as the old cliche goes, if you don't love yourself, it's impossible to love anybody else and make dirty love to them on the kitchen table. Andy's co-workers find it a tad upsetting that he is still a virgin at an age when many American males are already divorced and 3 college co-eds deep in a mid-life crisis, but instead of poking fun, they do everything they can to boost his confidence, which turns out to be the best fix.
2. Females do not have the monopoly on close, meaningful friendships. Sure, they'll go to the bathroom in herds and I've heard tell of ladies sharing a dressing room together, but what does that prove? Men don't accompany each other to the bathroom because it's dumb and we don't share dressing rooms because it's kind of weird, but that doesn't mean we can't have a meaningful friendship. Look at Evan and Seth. I mean, actually look at the picture--they're holding hands! Now I'm not saying men need to walk around holding hands to prove how deep their friendships are, but I am saying two men comfortable with each other enough to hold hands is a beautiful thing. Superbad is actually my favorite of the Apatow-produced films not only because it is insanely funny, but because I identified with it so much. Seth and Evan's friendship mirrors the friendship I share with my two closest friends. I think some men keep their feelings for their male friends a secret from the ladies in their lives, but not from the male friends themselves. My wife is always ending phonecalls with her friends with a heartfelt "I love you," and though that has only happened once with a friend of mine, I don't see why it couldn't happen more.
3. It's OK to cry. It's OK to weep like a woman and disturb your fellow hotel guests. Break-ups hurt men just as much as they hurt women. I know Michael Savage would berate me on his racist, hateful radio show if he read this, but it's totally acceptable for men to show emotion once in awhile, and I think most men are OK with it. I also identify with Peter from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I dated a girl for many years, ignored problems in the relationship, and was heartbroken to learn that she had cheated on me. Sure, she wasn't a TV star and I wasn't nude when she broke the news, but she did cheat on me with a drug-dealing pizza delivery boy--I mean, that's fucked up, right? I digress. I cried, though. I listened to Morrissey and Postal Service's Nothing Better on repeat, but I got through it. Pain makes you stronger--it inspires you to do things. Peter wrote and performed a Dracula musical with puppets--I started this amazingly hilarious blog a handful of people read. It's best to focus on yourself, which Peter does, do something with your life, and then open yourself up to a new love. Hey, it worked for me.
4. So, guys, you may not want to hear it, but making a change isn't a bad thing. I mean, I know, you're an individual and you've got this "no bitch is going change me" attitude, but that is a stupid attitude to have and quite frankly you're stupid if you resist change. Has it ever occurred to you that when your girlfriend is trying to change something about you, she's often doing it for the better? That isn't always true--my ex was always trying to get me to smoke weed, but more often than not I think women have our best interests at heart. Take Ben from Knocked Up. Would he truly be happy living in a house full of goofballs, smoking weed nonstop, his savings dwindling away for his entire life? Some of you are saying, "hell, yeah," but you're wrong. Ben was wrong and he knew it. Obviously you don't have to impregnate a one-night stand to motivate yourself to change, unless you are super lazy and you think that's the only cure. Even Andy got rid of the action figures that we keeping him anchored to the past. Change is good. Or maybe you're more comfortable with the word compromise. Fine. Same thing, but fine. It isn't a sin to dress better or pursue a better job or maybe dye your hair back to a natural color. And hey, maybe someday you'll be a respected screenwriter and Judd Apatow will make you the next big comedy superstar.
4. So, guys, you may not want to hear it, but making a change isn't a bad thing. I mean, I know, you're an individual and you've got this "no bitch is going change me" attitude, but that is a stupid attitude to have and quite frankly you're stupid if you resist change. Has it ever occurred to you that when your girlfriend is trying to change something about you, she's often doing it for the better? That isn't always true--my ex was always trying to get me to smoke weed, but more often than not I think women have our best interests at heart. Take Ben from Knocked Up. Would he truly be happy living in a house full of goofballs, smoking weed nonstop, his savings dwindling away for his entire life? Some of you are saying, "hell, yeah," but you're wrong. Ben was wrong and he knew it. Obviously you don't have to impregnate a one-night stand to motivate yourself to change, unless you are super lazy and you think that's the only cure. Even Andy got rid of the action figures that we keeping him anchored to the past. Change is good. Or maybe you're more comfortable with the word compromise. Fine. Same thing, but fine. It isn't a sin to dress better or pursue a better job or maybe dye your hair back to a natural color. And hey, maybe someday you'll be a respected screenwriter and Judd Apatow will make you the next big comedy superstar.