Pinocchio Smack-down: Part 4

Sorry it's taken me so long to post, but I've been pretty busy lately, what with the writer's strike over and LOST being back. Plus, I've been doing a lot of reading (you should try it). I just finished Bound by Honor: A Mafioso's Story by Bill Bonanno. It was a pretty interesting read actually. I've been obsessed with stories about mobsters, outlaw biker gangs, and terrorists lately. My wife says the government is probably tracking my every move judging from my recent library check-outs and the content of my DVR. I also just finished An American Tragedy which is absolutely fantastic. Check it out if you didn't read it in high school, because it is a gem.

OK. I'm through stalling. Let's get this over with.
Title: Pinocchio 964

What the hell???: Pinocchio 964 is, in essence, the story of an outsider trying to find his place in this world. Like a young Michael W. Smith, Pinocchio is "roaming through the night" with "not a lot to lean on." He has no memories, sports an unflattering sprig of Tintin-like hair, and sometimes excretes mustard, so gaining acceptance from the general populace is a bit of a challenge for our hero.

He finds a friend in Himiko, a Japanese hipster who lives in an abandoned factory somewhere in Henry Spencer's old neighborhood. At first she is kind to Pinocchio, who is a lobotomized sex slave and not a whimsical marionette in this story, but as the film progresses so does Himiko's mental instability. She eventual loses her mind completely, puts shackles on poor Pinocchio and drags him around Japan by a chain around his neck.

Meanwhile, Pinocchio's creator is looking for him. The original owner of 964, a bi-sexual, forty-something sex fiend, informs him that Pinocchio couldn't keep up with her sexually, so she threw him out and now wants a Pinocchio who is "always erect." The creator sends his three goofy henchmen into the city to retrieve Pinocchio before he exposes the secret world of the lobotomized sex slave making business to the Japanese public. To be perfectly frank, I don't think that the Japanese public would be that shocked.

What's to like: Lots of wacky Japanese overacting; a completely insane Himiko in a welder's mask running amuck in a hardware store.

What's to not like: Unlike most J Horror movies, which stop making sense at about the halfway point, Pinocchio 964 is bat-shit crazy nonsense from the very start. Not only did I watch this movie in a confused state-eyes wide, mouth agape- my cat was also perplexed. I caught Garbage several times pausing during one of the many feline activities he was participating in to stare at the television screen, most certainly confounded by what he saw. Also, there is only so much oatmeal-puking one man can take. My limit on oatmeal-puking scenes: when a character has puked enough oatmeal-puke to fill one of those plastic, turtle-shaped sandboxes and then rolls around in it, laughing maniacally.

The truth: As I get older, I realize more that it's totally OK to admit that I hate shit like this. It reminded me of a film my friend Gordon made me watch in high school called Tetsuo: The Iron Man. I hated it. I hated it even more that my friend compared it to David Lynch's Eraserhead, a film I love. There are sprinkles of Lynch in Pinocchio 964, but being strange for strangeness sake is never appealing to me. Pinocchio 964 was weird, indulgent, silly, disgusting, and pretentious.

Next time: Pinocchio (starring Sandy Duncan)