Bullies

Nobody likes a bully, especially now that the anti-bullying sentiment has reached a fever pitch in the US.  I used to gently mock the anti-bullying crowd. Where were they when I was in middle school and my nerdy friends were getting picked on and pushed around?  Bullying wasn't a big enough deal back then, I guess, and that's probably why my attitude toward the anti-bullying contingent was largely dismissive. Obviously, I wasn't pro-bully--bullies can eat shit--but I carried with me the attitude from my school days: if someone is hassling you, put your head down and move along.  We didn't have the It Gets Better campaign, but I had an inkling that one day I wouldn't have to deal with fat-headed dopes tossing snack cake wrappers into my open locker (that happened, people, and it haunts me to this day).

Then kids started killing themselves.  Maybe that's always been going on, but I'd never heard about it.  And, yeah, I'm a dad now, so, you know, I kinda get it. I don't want my daughter to be bullied when she starts school in five years or so.  I don't want Q to be taunted and teased to the point where she feels the only option is to end her own life.  She's only 10-months-old right now, but time flies.  Did you know we just "celebrated" the one year anniversary of Osama Bin Laden's assassination?  A year has passed! We're we ever so young?  But, yeah, Q will be school-aged in no time and, as a parent, I'm a little nervous about what is waiting for her when she gets off of the bus.  From what I hear though, Q is a bit of a bully at day care.  She and this other girl always fight over the same Fisher-Price telephone toy, and Q usually wins.  Apparently there are three identical Fisher-Price telephones to choose from, but they both want the one.  Babies, right?  They're so dumb.

If you live in North Carolina, like I do, you know that on May 8, our state's citizenry has the opportunity to vote for or against Amendment One, a "measure [that] would define marriage in the state constitution as between one man and one woman, and would ban any other type of "domestic legal union" such as civil unions and domestic partnerships."  Keep in mind, gay marriage is already illegal in NC, so Amendment One would just make sure that this bigotry would make it into the constitution.

I don't get very political or whatever on this blog, mostly because I don't follow politics that closely, but I thought it important to share my views on this issue. We here at Giant Electric Penguin are totally AGAINST this thing.  In fact, I've already early voted against Amendment One.  For me, this isn't a political issue.  This is all about basic human rights, and if you are for the continued denying of equal rights for every citizen of not only this state but the entire country, you, my friend, are a fossil and you need to get out of the way of progress.  Quite simply, if you are for Amendment One, you are a bully. Yeah, I said.  That was going to be the title of this piece originally, but I toned it down to suck people in before I hammered 'em with the truth.  POW!

I've been wanting to write this for awhile, I just wasn't sure if I could be coherent and concise.  It's probably been pretty rambly up to this point, but that's OK. So, anyway, I wasn't sure where to go with the essay, when something glorious happened.  Sean Harris happened.

I think everyone knows who Sean Harris is by now, but if you don't, here's a quick recap of his recent actions.  Harris is a pastor in Fayetteville, NC, and during a recent sermon, he advocated the beating of male children who act effeminate and the berating of female children who have the audacity to play sports.  For real.  You can listen to it right now:





Harris has since said he was joking around.  I thought jokes were supposed to be funny.  Also, I'm pretty certain at least some of the congregation didn't know you were doing a stand-up act, Pastor Harris.  Members of Harris' flock can be heard shouting "amen" after the pastor advocates knocking your kid around. For people who don't know, Christians will often audibly utter the word "amen" during a Sunday morning sermon when they agree with what the pastor is saying.  So, Pastor Harris is a bully--and in the most classic sense, since he is so gleefully reveling in acts of physical violence--and every churchgoer who agrees with him by offering up a hearty "amen" is a bully too.


And I don't want to unfairly stick it to Christians because I'm sure there are some of them who are against Amendment One--in fact, I know there are, because I know plenty of Christians--but, c'mon, the majority of these bullies who want Amendment One to pass are members of the Christian religion, right? I'm not wrong on that, right?  You don't have to answer that question, because I know I'm right. The Bible keeps coming up in these TV ads I see and that's a Christian's guidebook for everyday living, if I'm not mistaken.





This commercial is despicable on so many levels, but I'm struck by the fact that Vote FOR Marriage NC believes that because the Bible apparently says something about marriage being reserved exclusively for one penis and one vagina, that I should care.  The Bible isn't the governing document of our country.  Why does it even show up in this ad?  It is utterly irrelevant.  But I'm getting off track.  This is an essay about bullies.  Well, here's another bully for you.  Perhaps you two have already met.  His name...


Billy Graham.  You know, that 93-year-old evangelist your parents totally love. This weekend, 14 different NC newspapers will run a full page ad in which Billy Graham bullies his fans into voting for Amendment One.  Really, Billy?  Why don't you take a break.  You're 93.  You've lived a full life.  Go fishing.  Play checkers with your grandkids.  Putter around in the garage all morning.


Listen, I don't know what you're going to do on May 8.  Maybe you'll vote for Amendment One, maybe you'll vote against it.  Maybe you won't vote at all because you've got some annoying political views that nobody understands or cares about.  Whatever.  This is about human rights.  You're either for them or against them.  It's pretty simple as far as I'm concerned.  Just because, as the commercial states, 30 other states already have marriage amendments in their constitutions, doesn't mean North Carolina has to do it.  Don't be bullied by these people.  Don't be bullied by me.  Just do the right thing.

100 Songs I Hate: 27-29

27. "A Case of You" (James Blake)



Listen, I don't know what kind of music you like. Maybe you think this Joni Mitchell cover is the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your entire life up to this point. I think it sounds like, Aaron Neville doing a shoddy, over-the-top impression of himself, like, at a party, for laughs or something. It's boring and it's garbled and I don't like it one bit.

I get this weird feeling when I listen to this song--and the five other songs by Mr. Blake I sampled before concluding that most of his oeuvre is utter garbage--that people who like this guy, probably rabidly like this guy. James Blake seems like one of those artists that has the kind of fans that would be severely and irrationally super pissed off by anything that appeared to denigrate their golden rock god in any way, like, if some bald asshole trashed his music on a little-read, in-no-way-influential pop-culture blog. So, I'll just reiterate that this isn't for me, but if you like it, go ahead and like it.

Also, who would want to drink a case of someone? That's serial killer shit right there, son.

28. "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" (Kip Moore)



Another list of things rednecks enjoy posing as a legitimate song. Hot diggity dang!

Apparently, there is something about a truck, ice cold beer, private property, and drunken swimming at 2 in the morning that is so damn important, Kip Moore just had to write a "song" 'bout it. I think that something is date rape, but I can't be 100-percent certain. I don't want to put words into Moore's mouth, you see. I don't want to put anything in Moore's mouth, especially any more of that ice cold beer. This seems to be how things progress in the song:

1. Moore and a lady friend are driving around in his truck late one night when they come across a farmer's field with a NO TRESPASSING sign posted. They are almost assuredly intoxicated.

2. Ignoring the sign, they drive onto the farmer's land and crack a couple more beers.

3. Moore notices the lady friend's red sundress and decides he needs to take "sexual action" before he makes a "mess" (premature ejaculation?) of himself. The lady friend continues to drink.

4. They kiss. Beer is consumed. Moore probably slips something in the lady friend's drink.

5. They find a creek, take their clothes off, and go swimming.

6. In the water, Moore makes his move.

7. The lady friend does not respond positively, so country singer Kip Moore drowns her in the creek.

8. After drinking the rest of the beers, Moore drives his truck home and records the demo that will eventually become "Somethin' 'bout a Truck" in his home studio.

I sort of had to guess at some of the later stuff, but it's sick, right?

29. "Cartoon Song" (Chris Rice)



I'm almost 99-percent sure GEP has shared this song before. How could we not? It is utterly ridiculous.

First of all, if cartoons got saved, why wouldn't they just say hallelujah in the same normal way other saved individuals say it? I'm not sure I agree with Rice's premise that they would start singing praise in a "whole new way." I think they'd probably join a church and kind of, you know, follow everybody else's lead. It'd be chaos if everyone was doing whatever the heck they wanted during a church service. I've been to a pentecostal church. I've seen it. It was like a circus in there. Some people were running up and down the aisles; others were dancing in front of the altar; the guy next to me was screaming and yelping. Imagine a couple of cartoon characters thrown in doing their own thing. Like, imagine Yogi Bear is next to you shouting "Hey-Boo-Boo-lujah!" To quote Rob Dyrdek, that would be pure ridiculousness.

Secondly, they wouldn't be singing praise in a "whole new way," they'd just be singing praise period. They just got saved, man, I think it's safe to assume they were not singing any sort of praise up to that point. But that's kind of nitpicky, I guess.

Thirdly, Kermit the Frog is not a cartoon. Baby Kermit was, but, c'mon, surely Baby Kermit was in no position to make an informed decision on whether or not he wanted to dedicate his life to the god of the Christian Bible. He was a baby! Babies drool and cry and pee their pants. I know. My daughter is a baby. They don't know what's going on at church. For example, we took Shrimpkin to church on Easter Sunday to see her Pop-Pop in the Easter play and she loved it. She clapped along with the music and shouted excitedly during communion. She didn't know any better. I whispered, "Don't enjoy this too much," to her, but then admitted that the music was pretty good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like a hymn.

Fourthly, everyone knows the Smurfs are Hare Krishnas. Duh!

Fively, why are Beavis and "that other guy" denied salvation? That to me is the most despicable moment in the song. What is Chris Rice saying exactly? That there are limits to Jesus's love? Sorry, Rice, but I believe Beavis and Butthead were the exact types of people Jesus was hanging with when he was doing his Father's work on Earth. I can just see Jesus on that couch between Beavis and Butthead, chomping on nachos and poking fun at Public Image Ltd.

Good Friday just got even better

This seemed appropriate for today. Sigh. Nothing like a visit from an old friend.

Sunday Morning Music: Jesus Christ!

Observations:

1. That little guy can dance!

2. What or who is on trial in the courtroom scene? And why does the judge allow one of the lawyers to strangle that dude on the witness stand?

3. Why does the big guy break the little guy's neck? Furthermore, why does he flashback to a time he was praying in church after he does it? It seems like after the flashback to that time in church, the big guy is given the strength to hurt more people. Kind of a conflicting message.

4. Best line: "With Jesus in my life, my suffering will be brief." No doubt about it, there will be suffering, but it'll be brief suffering, so be cool.

5. I kinda wish the whole thing was that stuff during the end credits. Oh, well.

In conclusion: Good job, guys. You can't sing and I can't follow your narrative, but you did something, and that's more than I've ever done.

Saturday Morning News Bits: inappropriate groping, art criticism, drunk puppies, and pastor sex

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Bring on the Presents: Christmas Gifts for your Non-Christian Friends

Believe it or not, Christian readers, there are more holidays in December than Christmas. That's why the cashier at your local Hallmark wished you a "Happy Holiday" this year. It's not because Hallmark employees are trained to hate Christmas and all it stands for, but because this is a big ol' country full of different faiths and, I don't know, maybe making people uncomfortable during the holiday season isn't best for business. Of course, there is still President Obama's War on Christmas to contend with, so your righteous angry is not completely unjustified. Keep on fightin' that good fight.

But, so what? So there are other holidays jockeying for airtime in December. We all know Christmas is the best, so everyone else should just suck it. That doesn't mean, however, that you shouldn't shower your hellbound friends with stuff they'll enjoy. Just make sure they know it's a Christmas present though, and not something for whatever stupid-ass holiday they celebrate. Allow GEP to offer up a few suggestions:

1. For your Satanist friend: A plush demon

Your Satanist friends don't want cutesy little elves or jolly farting Santa Clauses or manger scenes fashioned out of glass. They want fresh cat carcasses and virgin's blood and Ghost albums. That's what Satanists are into, right? Robes, maybe? Torches? Gift cards? They eat at McAlister's, right? Who doesn't? The sweet tea is delicious.

But, hey, it's Christmas. You can't wrap up a cows heart on December 1st and expect it to stay fresh and ritual-worthy until the 25th. So mix a little adorable with your sinister this Christmas and get him/her a plush demon to squeeze when the winter nights get a little too cold or the New Year's Eve blood sacrifice gets a little too intense. So cute!

2. For your Jewish friend's kid: A plush menorah

Sure, the kids get to see the menorah every night, up there on the mantle (Does it go on the mantle? Help me out here.) with its candles lit, but what they really want to do is snuggle with it in bed. Christian kids have teddy bears. Jewish kids have plush menorahs, I assume. You should probably just make that assumption as well and get your Jewish friends' kids this soft, huggable menorah. Perfect for saying "I don't understand your religion, so, here's this thing."

3. For your Muslim friend: A witty t-shirt

We all know what Muslims want for Christmas: hilarious t-shirts!!! But what hilarious, Islam-themed t-shirt is best? There are quite literally too many to choose from. I guess, you should take it on a Muslim friend by Muslim friend basis, but I don't think you can wrong with the "Muslim fun-damentalist" t-shirt. Get it? Fun-damentalist! Oh, that's classic.

But, seriously, your Muslim friends probably don't want any Christmas presents since they don't celebrate Christmas, so why don't you just send them a nice holiday card or some Shari's Berries or something.

4. For your Buddhist friend: A Buddha cup for booze drinks

You want enlightenment, son?! Well, things can't get any more illuminated then when you're sucking a fruit-blended girly drink outta a Buddha's belly. Transcendent and delicious! Your Buddhist friends will thank you in this life and the next.

5. For your atheist friend: A needlessly mean-spirited t-shirt

You might find this shocking, but not everybody in your life believes the same things you do about God, the origins of mankind, and the creation of this big ball of water and dirt we call home. Some of these people might be sitting next to you in your favorite pew right now! Non-believers are everywhere--your school, your church, your workplace, your favorite all-you-can-eat fried fish buffet--and most of them just want to live their lives, have a little fun from time to time, and not have to put up with your efforts to proselytize them every day. They'd rather just agree to disagree and get back to their grocery shopping.

Some of these people--let's call them "atheists"--however, want to stick it to Christians every chance they can get. For that special Christian-baiting atheist on your Christmas list, why not this stylish shirt in the tee-style? It's a Jesus fish on a charcoal grill! Get it? Neither do I!

We assure you, there is nothing in this box

6. For your Jehovah's Witness friend: Nothing

What do you get the Jehovah's Witness who has everything? Nothing! That's right, Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Christmas (OR birthdays OR anything) like everybody else. I don't know what they do on December 25th, but if I could guess, I'd say they sit around the dining room table dressed in drab turtleneck sweaters and stare solemnly at one another over a meal of lukewarm take-out fast food fried chicken. Again, this is only a guess.

7. For your Scientologist friend: Just kidding! Scientologists don't have any friends!

STFU, Rick Perry!

I can be pretty hard on the religious sometimes. Why stop now? Here's Rick Perry's new thing:



1. You shouldn't be ashamed to be a Christian, Mr. Perry. However, you should be ashamed by the fact that you believe the biggest problem facing our nation's children is not being allowed to "openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school." What about poor nutrition? Sexual abuse? Bullying? Nope. It's not being allowed to lead a prayer in 3rd period Biology.

2. Who's stopping anybody from celebrating Christmas? It's them liberals, I bet. Danged liberals!

3. And guess what, kids? You can totally pray in school. That's right: it's totally allowed! I know weirdos like Rick Perry want you to believe that your teacher and your principal and the school board and President Obama hate your religion and will stop at nothing to keep you from praying, but they can't. See, you can say a prayer silently from your seat in the cafeteria or before a History test virtually anywhere else on campus. God can hear your thoughts. Come to think of it, that's scarier than Obama's non-existent War on Religion. Do you remember everything you thought about today? I bet some of it was totally gross.

4. Hey, Rick: We'll stop our War on Religion when religion stops its War on Common Sense. Sound fair?

In summation: STFU, RICK PERRY!

Bring on the Presents: Books

Believe it or not, people like to read. I know! It's crazy, right? Regardless, people still enjoy books, so why not consider getting them one of these classics for Christmas this year.

Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back--Nothing says "Christmas" like a book about a four-year-old boy who dies on an operating table, takes a sweet tour of Heaven, and comes back to life with a plan to make millions of dollars off of a nation of dupes who eat this kinda pseudo-religious tripe up.

I'm kidding. He didn't die. He had a dream while he was undergoing surgery. A dream about Heaven. And guess what? Heaven was exactly like his father, a pastor, had probably described it to him night after night before bedtime. God is a giant who sits on a throne, Grandpa's there having the time of his afterlife, and Jesus has his very own horse. You know, all the stuff from the Bible.

Oh, the little boy allegedly also meets his miscarried sister in Heaven. I thought unbaptized children went straight to Hell and burned forever and ever. I'm calling shenanigans!

How to sum up Heaven is for Real? Oh, here you go:

Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle.

That's right: Jesus took a break from riding his horse around long enough to tell a visiting four-year-old that he was planning an attack of some kind. That sounds like something Jesus would totally do. Ugh.

The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven: A Remarkable Account of Miracles, Angels, and Life beyond This World--A six-year-old boy visits Heaven, this time as a result of a horrible automobile accident, and returns with 248-pages worth of lurid details:

An accident.A miracle.And a supernatural encounter that will give you new insights on Heaven, angels, and hearing the voice of God.

In 2004, Kevin Malarkey and his six-year-old son, Alex, suffered a terrible car wreck. The impact from the crash paralyzed Alex—and it seemed impossible that he could survive.

“I think that Alex has gone to be with Jesus,” a friend told the stricken dad.

When Alex awoke from a coma two months later, he had an incredible story to share. Of events at the accident scene and in the hospital while he was unconscious. Of the unearthly music that sounded just terrible to a six-year-old. Of the angels who took him through the gates of Heaven itself. And, most amazing of all . . . of meeting and talking with Jesus.

The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven is the true story of an ordinary boy’s most extraordinary journey. As you see Heaven and earth through Alex’s eyes, you’ll come away with new insights on miracles, life beyond this world, and the power of a father’s love.

What, no mention of Jesus' horse? Alex is a liar, man! How did this book of lies ever get published? Sick.

90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death and Life--Sooooooooo, what's this one about?:

On the way home from a conference, Don Piper's car was crushed by a semi that crossed into his lane. Medical personnel said he died instantly. While his body lay lifeless inside the ruins of his car, Piper experienced the glories of heaven, awed by its beauty and music.

Ninety minutes after the wreck, while a minister prayed for him, Piper miraculously returned to life on earth with only the memory of inexpressible heavenly bliss. His faith in God was severely tested as he faced an uncertain and grueling recovery. Now he shares his life-changing story with you.

No kidding his faith in God was tested! Can you imagine? You get smashed to death, whisked up to Heaven where there's all this cool music and Grand Canyons everywhere and then--BAM!--there you are, back in your crushed, broken body, being re-taught how to walk and go to the bathroom by yourself. That's awful! How could this book be anything more than 208 pages of vitriol spewed at God?

It probably isn't. Mr. Piper probably had a good old time in Heaven. He was there for a whole 90 minutes. I bet he has a lot to say about it. Let's check one of the many reviews on Amazon to find out:

The title 90 Minutes in Heaven led me to believe that the book would be an extensive description of Piper's time in heaven. I was disappointed to find that less than 10% of the total pages in this book actually dealt with his alleged time in heaven. The majority of the book dealt with Piper's recovery in the hospital, his transition back to `normal' life, and the subsequent speaking ministry that he has enjoyed. Regrettably there was more detail given to his description of an enema than his time in heaven. I do not say this to be crass but to express personal disappointment with the promotion of the book as an expose on heaven and instead I got unmentionable details concerning such things as this. Seriously, it was gross.

So, a book titled 90 Minutes in Heaven is mostly about a dude be given an enema? Ew.

The Bill Wiese 23 Minutes In Hell Collection--Every book about near-death, out-of-body experiences can't be about taking a leisurely stroll down the golden streets and poking around in the cute little speciality boutiques that make up Heaven's Main Street. There is another place, you know. A terrible place. The most terrible place, really. And if you think about it, most of us are going to spend eternity there anyway--according to your born again aunt with the houseful of cats at least--so where's the guidebook for the doomed?

Not to worry. Christian author Bill Wiese died, went to Hell for some reason, and returned to Earth 23 minutes later. He wrote a book about his experience titled 23 Minutes In Hell: One Man's Story About What He Saw, Heard, and Felt in that Place of Torment, which went on to become a New York Times Bestseller, proving that not only is reading still an extremely popular way to pass the time, but that stupid people read as much as smart people. Maybe more.

As a result of his brief stint in Hell, Wiese has decided he now knows most of the answers to humanity's most burning (heh, heh) questions about it. Questions like:

--Is Hell a literal burning place? (Yes)
--Where is Hell? (Down)
--Do you have a body in Hell? (A burning one)
--Are there degrees of punishment in Hell? (Maybe)
--Are there children in Hell? (It's mostly children)
--Can demons torment people in Hell? (What else are the demons gonna do all day?)
--What are the accommodations like in Hell? (Cramped)
--How is the cell phone reception in Hell? (Not good)
--Is there Wi-Fi in Hell? (Only at Starbucks)
--Can "good" people go to Hell? (I didn't talk to everyone...I was only there 23 minutes...sheesh)

As you've probably figured out by now, 192 pages is nowhere near enough to describe 23 minutes anywhere, so Wiese followed up this book with Hell: Separate Truth from Fiction and Get Your Toughest Questions Answered and 23 Questions About Hell (which comes with a DVD!!!).

You know I once spent 45 minutes in Hell and I didn't even have to die. I call it the DMV! Am I right, people?

[You can purchase all of these titles and much better ones at amazon.com)

The Most Horrific Thing I've Seen This Week

No! What is going on? Why is this happening?!?

Wait a minute. Only the Word of God can do what? Attack women and drag them into a terrifying book-world Gumby-style? Inspire disturbing photographs? Give me nightmares for a month?

Yikes.

Saturday Morning News Bits: 666, spontaneous combustion, big butts, pigs, and bikinis

1. MARK OF THE BEAST

If anyone in the Christian collective still wonders why people make fun of them, this guy is the reason. Meet Billy Hyatt--not Bill, not William: Billy. Hyatt claims he was fired from his job at Berry Plastics Corp. for not wearing a sticker labeled with the number 666, commonly known as the Mark of the Beast in the Christian religion. Hyatt's godforsaken boss required employees to "take" the number of the Devil in order to purchase food items from Berry Plastics' many fine vending machines and acquire yearly holiday bonuses. Those who refused were fired and/or decapitated out behind the warehouse on a homemade guillotine.

Hold on. That wasn't it. That's right. Berry Plastics Corp had gone 666 days without an accident and were commemorating the achievement with a limited edition sticker. Hyatt took issue with this:

"I cannot. I will never, ever, ever put that number on my body," Hyatt said.

Hyatt is a staunch believer in the Bible, including what Revelations chapters 13 and 14 say about the number 666.

"The people that accept the mark, they're going to burn in hell," he told Jones. "There's no way that I'm going to put that on my body," he said

I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that the higher ups over at Berry Plastics had the power to condemn people to Hell for all eternity now. To be fair, I haven't regularly attended church in 15 years, so I may be a little rusty on the rules. I also didn't know wearing a sticker with numbers on it was enough to take me out of God's favor. Let's read on:

Hyatt said Berry employees must wear stickers with the number of days the company has gone without an accident. When the number approached 666, Hyatt said he asked not to be forced to wear the sticker. Hyatt told Jones he even requested a day off, or a vacation day, so he wouldn't be at work when employees had to wear the number. When the 666th day came and he refused to wear it he says he was suspended and then fired.

Hyatt says his boss told him it's just a sticker.

"Well it's not just a sticker. 666 is the mark of the beast," he told Jones.

No. It's just a sticker.

Hyatt said he would have hated to get into a fatal accident on the job wearing the 666 sticker and, “(have) the last thing that I did on earth is to accept the mark of the beast just so I could actually work."

Is this what people actually believe? I know there are some level-headed Christians out there--some that read this blog even--please reassure me: this dude does not represent you guys, right?

This is what religion can do to a person, and that is just one more reason I think organized religion is the dumbest thing in existence. Religion and Dancing with the Stars.

2. THE SWEDISH TORCH

A Swedish man spontaneously burst into flames this week. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.

"He just stood there burning outside the shop," a witness told the paper. "After a while he started screaming. There were a few people about but they just watched him. I ran up to him, tore my coat off and managed to put the fire out together with another guy."

The Giant Electric News Team will continue following this story. Stay tuned.

3. SHE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE RAP GUYS GIRLFRIENDS IF SAID GIRLFRIEND HAD BEEN INJECTED WITH POISON

Listen, if you desire some variety of plastic surgery performed upon you and you have the means to make it happen, more power to you. You get your eyes lifted and your creases ironed. Turn your breasts into festive Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloons and your lips into sausage links. But if you don't have the money to have your body augmented, just learn to be happy with your hideous self, all right? Because if you don't, you might end up like this stupid asshole in South Florida who paid an unlicensed transsexual to inject Fix-A-Flat into her ass:

South Florida cops busted a syringe-wielding freak for allegedly injecting a woman’s buttocks with cement, mineral oil and Fix-A-Flat tire sealant in a bizarre bid to give her big buns, officials said.

An unidentified woman believed she needed a bursting backside to work Sunshine State nightclubs and, through friends, met suspect, Oneal Ron Morris, who allegedly performed the freaky procedure.

“Short time later, she [the victim] develops very serious pains in her abdomen, throughout her body,” Miami Gardens Police Sgt. Bill Bamford told WPLG-TV in Miami. “She knows something’s wrong.”

Cement? I've got to believe that the "victim" in this story had no clue what was being injected into her body. I need to believe this or else I'll officially lose the last remaining respect for the human race I currently possess. Even if I'm visiting a cut-rate, non-doctor to perform a procedure on me, I expect to be told what might be crammed, jammed or injected into my body. The first time cement pops up in the conversation, I'm out.

When the victim told Morris about her intense pain, the suspect allegedly said everything was going to be OK.

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. We just keep injecting you with the stuff and it all works itself out,” Morris said, according to Bamford.

Listen, Morris is obviously a real sickie, but can we stop calling this other woman a "victim?" That's an insult to true victims of crime. This dipshit knowingly let a non-doctor pump cement into her butt, and even if she didn't know Morris wasn't licensed, she had to know something was up. What, is Morris a criminal mastermind? Did she buy a doctor's office and have a wall full of fake diplomas she made on her computer? C'mon, unnamed victim! Get your head out of your enormous, cement-filled ass!

4."YOUR TOTAL COMES TO 100 PIGS, SIR"

If you muck something up in Samoa, you better be ready to lose some pigs, buddy. That's what happened to the former manager of the Samoan rugby team, Tuala Matthew Vaea, this week. For bringing shame to his village, Vaea was dismissed from his post and fined 100 pigs:

Tuala Matthew Vaea incurred the fine after players and team officials complained that he neglected his duties at the event in New Zealand, treating the tournament as a "massive holiday" and spending too much time drinking with friends. His village council determined he had disgraced the village and tarnished his chiefly rank.

So, there are people in Samoa that just have 100 pigs lying around? Man, the world is a strange, stupid place.

5. BIKINI-CLAD HOTTIE ENSURES THAT MISSING DOG STORY APPEARS IN SATURDAY MORNING NEWS BITS FEATURE

This is the kind of story we love here at GEP. The bond between a human and its beloved animal companion is one of the most special relationships in existence. It is inspiring and uplifting to witness the lengths to which a person might go to ensure the safety and well-being of his/her furry friend. When their pet goes missing, these selfless individuals do all they can to rescue said animal, no matter the cost. So Arlene Mossa Corona missed Thanksgiving with her family. This pure, kind soul has refused to eat until her missing chihuahua is once again safe and sound in her loving arms.

She's also refused to go without clothes.

A woman took to the streets Wednesday to find her lost Chihuahua, and she won’t clothe herself or eat until the dog comes home.

Arlene Mossa Corona wore a bikini and held up a sign with pictures of her dog Chispita in the intersection of La Jolla Village Drive and Genesee Avenue in San Diego, Calif., on Wednesday morning.

And Corona isn't just interested in finding her poor lost Chispita, she's also a proud American patriot:

Cars honked and men whistled and shouted cat-calls at the woman as she held up her sign, wearing red pumps, a white bikini top and blue bikini bottom — the nation’s colors, she said, to represent military personnel coming home. She hopes the same will be true of her dog.

God bless America.

The Most Horrific Thing I've Read This Week

So, the American Cancer Society turned down a five-hundred thousand dollar donation from an atheist group last summer. That's right. The ACS turned down five-hundred thousand dollars! FIVE-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLCARS!!!

Why? Because it was being donated by an organization of godless heathens? Not according to them, but c'mon. What do you take us for, ACS? A nation of empty-headed dummies? You turned down a hefty donation from a group of cancer-hating citizens because they don't believe in God. Or a god. Or any spooky, planet-crafting, animal-building, human-programming spiritual force. They simply believe that we are and then, after we die, we aren't. Oh, yeah, and they wish there were a cure for cancer. They wish there were a cure for cancer so much that they raised half-a-million dollars for the cause. And you, American Cancer Society, said, "Oh, no thanks, atheists. We're fine." Ugh.

From examiner.com:

Thursday, the Foundation Beyond Belief issued a formal statement indicating that their offer to raise up to a half million dollars through the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life program was recently tabled when the American Cancer Society declined to allow the Foundation to create a national Relay team as other non-profits have done.

While the American Cancer Society (ACS) claims their inability to work with the Foundation Beyond Belief (FBB) has nothing to do with the Foundation's godless stance, the evidence indicates otherwise. The fact is, the ACS allows other non-profits to participate in the national relay, and the only conceivable reason for the ACS to disallow the FBB from participating is their somewhat controversial position towards religious belief.

I considered shoehorning in my old "Here's Why I Absolutely Hate All Religions" rant here, but I couldn't exactly get it to fit right. Sure, the ACS's percieved fear of backlash from religious organizations if they had accepted a donation from atheists highlights the unforunate power religion--specifically Christianity--holds over American society, but in the end it's the ACS that wussed out. Any church that would refuse to donate money to cancer research just because a donation from a group of atheists and free-thinkers was also accepted is beyond horrible. I don't think there are any churches like that. I hope there aren't any churches like that. Can you imagine?

Why does it matter who the money is coming from? We all hate cancer, right? Christians, atheists, Muslims, Jews, that weird alien-worshipping cult: we all want cancer to "hit the road," correct? The ACS should be taking any and all donations anyboy is willing to fork over.

And if I may stick it to the religious for just a moment--please, let me take my one jab--at least we know the atheists are donating money to cancer research without any ulterior motives. They're doing so because it is the right and decent thing to do. They aren't counting on bigger mansions in the afterlife, they're simply insuring that everyone can live a comfortable, cancer-free existence in this life.

(You can read more about this story here. And here. You can disagree with me in our comments section. You can also agree with me there. You can also write something about ordering Viagra online, but I'd rather you not.)

How and When Will the World REALLY End?: We Ask the Experts

So, it's May 22nd and we're all still here. AWWWW-KWARD! Listen, if you thought the world was going to end yesterday and you drained your life savings putting up billboards and passing out tracts in Times Square, you deserve the ball-busting you will inevitably receive Monday at work. Don't be a dick. Just laugh at yourself and own your blind stupidity.

I didn't lose any sleep over Saturday's Doomsday prediction, but it did get me thinking about the end of the world. Will it happen in my lifetime? And if it does, how will the whole thing go down? Is it gonna hurt? Will al-Qaeda be involved? North Korea? Polar ice caps run amok? Giant space robots? Damn, dirty apes??? I came up with plenty of questions, but very few answers. So, I took my questions to the experts: crackpots! I sent an e-mail to several of the country's leading crackpots and asked them what is really gonna happen when this old world comes to a grinding stop. In the upcoming weeks, I will be publishing their answers unedited and sans snarky retort. Perhaps these predictions will bring you comfort. Perhaps they will scare the poop right out of your bowels and into your pants, a place where poop, most would agree, does not belong. Whatever your reaction, change your underpants once in awhile, all right?

Expert: Pastor Irving Priestly III

How: The Rapture

When: June 15, 2021, Tuesday, late-afternoon

The Details: "Jesus Christ will return to the planet Earth around 3:30 PM Tuesday afternoon and appear on Mtv's Total Request Live--TRL having returned to the airways sometime in late 2017--to make the official announcement. Jesus will instruct the righteous to check-in at one of the Heavenly Depots, angelic train stations that will appear as if from nowhere following the broadcast, in their area for "Rapture passes." He will give away free passes to the first three callers to the show before disappearing in a puff of glitter and doves.

"Believers who have been washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb will be allow to board Heaven-bound trains starting around 5:00 or so--the Bible is unclear on this--and snacks will be served. At exactly 7:35 PM, the trains will follow a complicated series of golden train tracks into the sky and arrive in Heaven in time for Two and A Half Men, which will be on it's third or fourth cast by this point--the Bible is unclear on this. The wicked will be left behind to their homosexual dating sites and their Lady Gaga.

"In Heaven, the pure of heart will enjoy hymns and fish sticks for all eternity, while the wicked will continue to fornicate with farm animals and read books about teenaged witches as they always have.

"The Earth, oddly enough, will go on existing until 5067, when God mistakes it for a meatball and eats it."

Irving Priestly III is pastor of the Holiness Lamb All-Christ All-The-Time Church of Holiness in Bonneville, Indiana. He is the author of the books "1,001 Ways To Rapture Ready Your Home" and "Obama is the Anti-Christ and Other Stories for Kids."

Food Miracles!

By now I assume you are all familiar with the Kate Middleton jelly bean (see above picture if not). The image is pretty self-explanatory, but here's a quick rundown of the story behind this miraculous item: some dude in England found a jelly bean that vaguely looked like the future Princess of Wales and decided to put it on eBay, with a starting bid of roughly 800 American dollars. And there you go. You're all caught up and we can move on to the comedic business that will make up the bulk of this post. Ready? Let's do it.

What you may not know is that I, Matt Lawson, am an avid finder and collector of just such miraculous edibles. I've been collecting for years, starting when I was 10 and I was served a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza with what looked like the image of Sammy Hagar--the Red Rocker himself--fashioned out of pepperoni slices on it. I devoted my life to searching for more foods with images of celebrities, historical figures, and religious icons on them. Here now, for your reading pleasure, is a list of just a fraction of the miracle foods that can currently be found in my growing, largely rotting, collection.

1. Jesus-shaped soft pretzel from a Detroit Tigers game.

2. Kenny Loggins image on an un-toasted English muffin.

3. Dorito shaped like Tyler Winklevoss' head.

4. A ketchup stain that sort of looks like Bea Arthur.

5. Summer squash that resembles Martin Short's Ed Grimley character.

6. Artie Lange's image stamped onto a tortilla.

7. Frito corn chip shaped like June 2003's Playboy Playmate of the Month, Markéta Jánská.

8. A pancake half-eaten by Nicolas Cage that kind of resembles Dame Judy Dench.

9. A BBQ-flavored Pringle shaped like Kryten from Red Dwarf.

10. Two fused peanuts that resemble filmmaker Martin Scorsese and Green Bay Packers general manager Ted Thompson sharing a milkshake.

11. A gourd shaped like that actor from The Blind Side. You know the guy. The big, black guy. Him.

12. Judy Garland exposing her posterior to Marvin the Martian stamped onto a tortilla.

13. Maury Povich-shaped Slim Jim

14. An animal cracker shaped like Joseph Merrick.

15. Current Speaker of the House John Boehner's portrait seared into a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.

16. Superchunk drummer Jon Wurster riding a fire-breathing unicorn with rocket launchers attached to her hooves stamped onto a tortilla.

17. Luis Guzman-shaped Chips Ahoy.

18. A half-bag of flour shaped like Joy Behar.

19. Kevin Bacon-shaped piece of bacon

Grant Storms doesn't know how porn works

Rev Grant Storms deserves our collective disdain for so many reasons--he's viciously anti-gay, he's opposed to sexual intercourse being performed in the middle of public streets, he clips his sunglasses to the collar of his t-shirt like a douchebag, etc.--but today I want to focus on his allegedly brand spanking new (no pun intended) discovery of pornography. For those of you who don't know, Pastor Storms was recently caught masturbating in a public park in New Orleans a short distance from where children were playing. Storms, known for his yearly protests of something called the Southern Decadence Festival and homosexuality in general, has admitted to having his pants unzipped and one hand firmly tucked inside said pants, but he claims he was not jerking it. He's a homophobe, after all, not a pedophile. He recently held a press conference at which he outed himself as a hypocrite and claimed that he felt awful about all those past Souther Decadence Festival protests. That's all fine and good, but I was a bit confused about another one of his startling revelations:

Storms said he is seeking help for a problem with pornography, which he called a recent issue. Storms said he had viewed pornography Friday about an hour before his arrest in the park.

Wait. For someone who claims he wasn't jacking off in his van in the middle of the afternoon within the view of children, he sure is quick to bring up pornography. What, did thinking about some pornography he'd been perusing a mere hour earlier inspire him to park in front of a playground and air out his balls for awhile? If he was just taking a piss in a Coke bottle, why is he revealing his pornography addiction to the world? Storms, you were whacking it. C'mon! That God-breathed scripture you claim instructs all of God's followers to persecute gays and lesbians also tells ya not to lie, if I'm remembering my Sunday schooling accurately.

Also: YOU'RE USING PORNOGRAPHY WRONG. You don't watch an internet porn clip, ruminate on it for awhile, drive to Quizno's and enjoy an oven-toasted sub sandwich, stop by the post office to mail some letters--still ruminating, mind you--park your car in front of a playground full of toddlers, and start vigorously abusing yourself. You watch the porn clip AND YOU JERK OFF! RIGHT THERE! Who watches Riley Mason or Ashley Blue or Kelly Wells (I'm making these names up obviously...) blow a roomful of masked men with clean-shaven balls and then goes about his day unsure of when and where the urge to masturbate will strike him? Maybe that's what Storms means when he says he has a "problem with pornography." He never learned that pornography is just for rubbing one out. Pornography isn't legitimate entertainment. It isn't an acceptable way to spend a relaxing weekend at home. You watch porno when your wife is out of the house running errands. And you watch it quick because who knows when she's gonna come bursting through that door, calling you to unload the groceries.

And why are the deeply religious always the ones with the pornography problem? Why do they seem to be ones who get nabbed for public indecency or sex with male prostitutes? It might be because the media loves to expose pompously outspoken religious leaders for the hypocritical assholes that they are--I know I do--or, maybe, they're the only one's doing it. Maybe they possess such a skewed vision of sex and pornography because all they've ever heard and, in turn, peddled to people hungry for answers from a god they can't fully understand themselves is "lust is bad, lust will lead to elicit sex, and elicit sex will send you straight to Hell." To them, sex is pretty much the worst thing ever and when they see a picture of a naked lady or a stag film for the first time, they kind of go, "wait a minute...these are naked people...doing it?" and lose their minds.

Whatever it is, Grant Storms is a scumbag, but at least he realizes it. Maybe next time you'll wait to whack off when you get home, Pastor Grant.

Profiles in Weirdness: People Who Think the World Will End on May 21, 2011

Sorry, Roland Emmerich, but you got it wrong. Anybody who's anybody knows that the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. It's all there in the Bible kinda not really. Who are you to question what the Bible probably doesn't actually say but maybe, Mr. Emmerich? In the censored words of Mr. Cee-Lo Green, forget you!

I kid, Roland Emmerich. People who think the world will go kaput in 2012 because the Mayans said so are just as nutty as the ones shouting about Jesus's return in 2011. Some are claiming that the recent rash of mysterious bird deaths are a sign that God is ticked off at us. Really? The Dude who flooded the whole planet that one time has been reduced to killing birds to get his point across? The instantaneous death of a flock of annoying birds seems like more of a blessing to me. Birds, with the exception of the Arctic-dwelling, flightless ones who appear to be wearing cute lil tuxedos, are obnoxious. Go ahead, kill 'em. Strike 'em down.

Other groups, like the geniuses over at Family Radio Worldwide, have what they would call undeniable proof that Jesus is up there in Heaven gearing up for His big return. He's updated his iPod with some killer jams, packed a bag with some clean socks, and is ready to pluck the righteous up from this world and bid the rest of us a fond been-nice-knowin'-ya. Family Radio's literature (available at their Web site to read and treasure forever in your heart) offers some of the reasons why they feel the End is inevitable:

--"Just before the flood Noah was instructed by God that in seven days the flood would begin (Genesis 7:10-16). Using the language of 2 Peter 3:8 that “a day is as a thousand years,” it is like saying through Noah, who was a preacher (2 Peter 2:5): “mankind has seven days or 7,000 years to escape destruction.” Since 2011 A.D. is precisely 7,000 years after Noah preached, God has given mankind a wonderful proof that Judgment Day will occur in the year 2011." (from "Another Infallible Proof")

--"...no sign is as dramatic and clear as the phenomenal world-wide success of the Gay Pride movement. In the Bible God describes His involvement with this dramatic movement. Re- member, each and every word in the original languages of the Bible came from the lips of God." (from "Gay Pride: Planned by God as a Sign of the End")

--"God gives us another piece of interesting and significant time information that further demonstrates the accuracy of May 21, 2011, as the date of the rapture. On April 1, 33 A.D., the Lord Jesus was crucified to demonstrate how He paid for the sins of those He came to save. Exactly 722,500 days (inclusively) later, the rapture (May 21, 2011) will occur." (from "We Are Almost There!")

I left out all the math equations. I hate math. If math skills are what it takes to be truly worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven, I'm screwed.

And just look at the contempt Family Radio Worldwide has for the year 2012:



What's your beef with 2012, FRW? Harsh.

But, fine, let's say the Rapture does, in fact, occur on May 21, 2011. The Bible has already informed it's devoted readers that Jesus will return like a thief in the night and that no human being can ever actually figure out the date, but, fine, the Family Radio gang has cracked the code. What if something goes wrong? That's where Pastor Toney Hensley's how-to DVD "What to do if You Miss the Rapture" can help.

Wait. How do you miss the Rapture? What, were you in the bathroom? Do you not get raptured if, yes, you lived a life of pure good, but you aren't dressed properly? Is there a dress code in the afterlife? These are things we've got to know, people. I guess this is a must buy. I'll check and see if it's on Netflix.

Hope to see you soaring naked through the skies on May 21, everybody. Until then, stay off my lawn!

Stop Already: Pat Robertson Edition

If you're like me, you're not exactly surprised by Pat Robertson's recent muddled comments about how the recent earthquake in Haiti is somehow a result of a "pact with the devil" the Haitians made to overthrow Napoleon III "or whatever." What is sort of surprising is just how many people are actually really outraged by this statement. Doesn't there come a point when you just stop listening to someone who constantly says stuff like this? Shouldn't we just stop listening?

Seriously, this guy is the same guy who:

1. Blamed the near destruction of a major coastal city by a hurricane on abortion.
2. Insinuated that a small town that rejected intelligent design might get struck with a tornado.
3. Warned a major coastal resort town to stop supporting homosexuals or face natural disasters.
4. Blamed the death of a popular Israeli leader on trying to split apart God's land.
5. Called for the assassination of a political leader in a foriegn country.
6. Insisted working on the Sabbath is an offense punishable by death.
7. Supported the massacre of every living thing in a city so the city could be taken over by God's chosen people.
8. Thought God told him to sacrifice his son, almost did, but then rejoiced when God took the whole thing back. (Gordon Robertson later went on to fill in for his father as host the 700 Club!)
9. Offered his virginal daughters up to be gang raped by a bunch of crazed homosexuals to protect the anuses of some visiting angels.
10. Blamed the fiery destruction of an entire city on the city's refusal to turn away from homosexual behavior.

Wait, isn't that last one an old Bible story? Aren't numbers 5-10 actually stories straight from the Old Testament?

Why, yes. Yes, they are. In fact, all ten of those (I think you have to agree) despicable statements and attitudes could come straight from the Old Testament. The writers of the Old Testament (at least some of them) and (several versions of) the God depicted in the Old Testament would totally agree with everything on that list.

So here's my real point: I've seen and heard a lot of Christians denouncing Pat Robertson as a sad old man who believes in a vengeful, spiteful, jealous, and unjust God, implying that their God is none of these things. But, unless these folks denounce (most of the depictions of) the Old Testament God, how can they possibly say their God is any better?

Many Christians will denounce this Old Testament God and, maybe not in so many words, claim these essentially are just stories and didn't really happen. Fine. Good. Many of the stories in the Old Testament are quite valuable, and I'll refrain from asking about the value of some of the other, more hateful, violent, and perverted stories (like the one where a drunk old man's horny daughters seduce him) here. (See what I did there?)

Other Christians will claim the Old Testament is an accurate portrayal of God, but that Jesus ushered in a "new covenant" that allows God to treat us more decently (you know, without so much, bloodshed, rape, and hatred of women). I find this completely unsatisfying. I find very little difference between a God who was once vengeful and violent but reformed and a God who is unrepentantly vengeful and violent. This isn't some teenager who accidentally killed a store clerk and found religion in the big house here. This is God. He's supposed to be perfect from the start, right? Right?

















I guess you could also say that we just don't understand the God of the Old Testament, which is undeniably true, but maybe we just don't understand Pat Robertson either. Maybe there's some mysterious truth behind his statements that make them OK. Maybe they make some cosmic sense. Or maybe they're just batshit crazy.

There are lots of Christians denouncing what Pat Robertson has said. Tons. All of them probably. But many of the most prominent ones would absolutely defend the truth found behind some of the similar acts found in the Old Testament.

Franklin Graham, very conservative son of the very conservative Billy Graham, for example, says he doesn't agree with Robertson, and he's admirably trying to help the people of Haiti, but would he feel the same about the people of Sodom and Gomorrah? Or Jericho? Was it right for God to destroy almost everybody in the whole world in one flood? I can't imagine Graham saying God made mistakes here or that these things didn't happen.

Pastor Robert Jeffress of the Fist Baptist Church of Dallas, Texas presents a typically puzzling view in the clip above: "It is absolute arrogance to try to interpret any of God's actions as a judgment against this person or that person. We can only go as far as the Bible goes, and the Bible is clear. God says, 'I am the God who creates calamity and causes well-being.'"

Sounds good, right? Wrong. Let's forget, for a moment, the fact that Jeffress is presumably referring to the earthquake as "God's actions," and take up this notion that we can only go as far as the Bible goes. If we can only go as far as the Bible goes, then we can, in fact, try to interpret God's actions as judgment against people. The Old Testament does it all the time. It's true that the Bible warns us against interpreting God's attitude, but it's contradicting itself when it does this (as you might expect a text written by hundreds of people over thousands of years to do).

But let's go back to that notion that God caused the earthquake. Jeffress doesn't just imply that God caused the earthquake (he only insists that we can't interpret his violently shaking the earth in a location uniquely unprepared for it as a sign of his anger), he straight up says that God is responsible! His God "creates calamity and causes well-being." How is this comforting? And how is it any better than what Robertson said? The notion that God is responsible for the deaths of all these people is disturbing. I don't care if he did it because he's angry or if he did it so Christians can show how "good" they are (as I've heard some suggest, perhaps without thinking). I don't care if this was one big unfortunate case of God not being able to control his farts or something. I don't think I'm being presumptuous when I say that God should be able to control his bodily functions. I don't care why God caused this calamity; if God's responsible, then God, the God of the universe, the one and only supreme being, is at very least responsible for manslaughter. It doesn't make it better to know that he didn't mean it or that he wasn't angry. It's a pretty shitty notion all around.

So you know what? Stop already. All of you. Pat Robertson, stop saying stupid crazy old man shit, and Christians, if you can't grow the balls to call your Old Testament God a fantasy, don't criticize someone who uses that same God...that God you believe in...to interpret the events around him. Just don't say anything. You don't have to. Help if you can. Stop trying to explain things you can't. I don't even need to hear you say you can't explain it. So stop.

Thanks in advance.