Sorry, Roland Emmerich, but you got it wrong. Anybody who's anybody knows that the world is going to end on May 21, 2011. It's all there in the Bible kinda not really. Who are you to question what the Bible probably doesn't actually say but maybe, Mr. Emmerich? In the censored words of Mr. Cee-Lo Green, forget you!
I kid, Roland Emmerich. People who think the world will go kaput in 2012 because the Mayans said so are just as nutty as the ones shouting about Jesus's return in 2011. Some are claiming that the recent rash of mysterious bird deaths are a sign that God is ticked off at us. Really? The Dude who flooded the whole planet that one time has been reduced to killing birds to get his point across? The instantaneous death of a flock of annoying birds seems like more of a blessing to me. Birds, with the exception of the Arctic-dwelling, flightless ones who appear to be wearing cute lil tuxedos, are obnoxious. Go ahead, kill 'em. Strike 'em down.
Other groups, like the geniuses over at Family Radio Worldwide, have what they would call undeniable proof that Jesus is up there in Heaven gearing up for His big return. He's updated his iPod with some killer jams, packed a bag with some clean socks, and is ready to pluck the righteous up from this world and bid the rest of us a fond been-nice-knowin'-ya. Family Radio's literature (available at their Web site to read and treasure forever in your heart) offers some of the reasons why they feel the End is inevitable:
--"Just before the flood Noah was instructed by God that in seven days the flood would begin (Genesis 7:10-16). Using the language of 2 Peter 3:8 that “a day is as a thousand years,” it is like saying through Noah, who was a preacher (2 Peter 2:5): “mankind has seven days or 7,000 years to escape destruction.” Since 2011 A.D. is precisely 7,000 years after Noah preached, God has given mankind a wonderful proof that Judgment Day will occur in the year 2011." (from "Another Infallible Proof")
--"...no sign is as dramatic and clear as the phenomenal world-wide success of the Gay Pride movement. In the Bible God describes His involvement with this dramatic movement. Re- member, each and every word in the original languages of the Bible came from the lips of God." (from "Gay Pride: Planned by God as a Sign of the End")
--"God gives us another piece of interesting and significant time information that further demonstrates the accuracy of May 21, 2011, as the date of the rapture. On April 1, 33 A.D., the Lord Jesus was crucified to demonstrate how He paid for the sins of those He came to save. Exactly 722,500 days (inclusively) later, the rapture (May 21, 2011) will occur." (from "We Are Almost There!")
--"...no sign is as dramatic and clear as the phenomenal world-wide success of the Gay Pride movement. In the Bible God describes His involvement with this dramatic movement. Re- member, each and every word in the original languages of the Bible came from the lips of God." (from "Gay Pride: Planned by God as a Sign of the End")
--"God gives us another piece of interesting and significant time information that further demonstrates the accuracy of May 21, 2011, as the date of the rapture. On April 1, 33 A.D., the Lord Jesus was crucified to demonstrate how He paid for the sins of those He came to save. Exactly 722,500 days (inclusively) later, the rapture (May 21, 2011) will occur." (from "We Are Almost There!")
I left out all the math equations. I hate math. If math skills are what it takes to be truly worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven, I'm screwed.
And just look at the contempt Family Radio Worldwide has for the year 2012:
What's your beef with 2012, FRW? Harsh.
What's your beef with 2012, FRW? Harsh.
But, fine, let's say the Rapture does, in fact, occur on May 21, 2011. The Bible has already informed it's devoted readers that Jesus will return like a thief in the night and that no human being can ever actually figure out the date, but, fine, the Family Radio gang has cracked the code. What if something goes wrong? That's where Pastor Toney Hensley's how-to DVD "What to do if You Miss the Rapture" can help.
Wait. How do you miss the Rapture? What, were you in the bathroom? Do you not get raptured if, yes, you lived a life of pure good, but you aren't dressed properly? Is there a dress code in the afterlife? These are things we've got to know, people. I guess this is a must buy. I'll check and see if it's on Netflix.
Hope to see you soaring naked through the skies on May 21, everybody. Until then, stay off my lawn!
