Sometimes in the still, quiet moments before the sun fully rises, I like to stroll through the seventy acres of vineyards I own and maintain with the help of a crack team of Mexican laborers (all currently swine flu free), cross the footbridge me and my son Tyler built last summer, climb the sycamore that overlooks the valley, and think about Ted Haggard. I wonder about his hopes for the future, what he's up to, and how he'd react if one of his sons ever turned out to be the kind of gay that can't be cured with Bible study and forced, unpleasant sexual intercourse with the wife he betrayed. Then I strangle a squirrel and make the long trek back to the farmhouse for breakfast and a long, deep cry. Ted Haggard, if you don't recall, is the former leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor of the New Life Church, one of those gaudy, awful megachurches, in Colorado City, who fell from grace, as it were, when it was discovered that he'd used the services of a male prostitute for drugs and sexy good times. After being outed and disgraced by Mike Jones (not this one) and inspiring thousands of late night monologue jokes, and at least one atrociously unfunny acoustic ditty, Ted Haggard kind of disappeared. But what did he do during his time away from America's prying eyes?
Well, first he stopped being gay. Then he started tedhaggard.com. What is the goal of this new internet endeavor? Fuck if I know, but, damn, that weinie roast looks fun! Seriously, through the Web site and MMGI Hope Inc, the Haggards help poor people and single mothers in some way that is never made clear. I mean, shit, did you try to navigate that site? WTF?
Recently, Haggard and his empty shell of a wife have been traveling all over this great land of ours, popping in at churches for unenlightening Q&A sessions (like this one in Charlotte, NC last Sunday) and appearing on the TV show Divorce Court. Ted Haggard is also an avid Twitter and Facebook user.
So, when you take your morning vineyard stroll tomorrow, think on Ted Haggard and his miraculous salvation from the horrors of homosexuality and obscurity. Don't dwell on the notion that Haggard has more than likely sold the last remaining shred of his soul to the Dark Lord for another 15 minutes of fame or that new allegations of gay misconduct came to light in early 2009; think on the blessings of his new life as a closeted, egomaniacal bigot. Amen.
