Bring on the Presents: Extravagant Gifts

What are you doing on the internet? You're running out of time to buy Christmas presents. Here are some last minute items you might want to consider, assuming your holiday budget is in the hundred thousands.

1. Cigars

I'm not gonna lie: I love a good cigar. I love an OK cigar. But when you're purchasing an extravagant gift for a fancy friend, a Swisher Sweet from your local Wal-mart ain't gonna get you invited to any garden parties. This Christmas, you need to go big. You need a box of His Majesty’s Reserve from Gurkha. A box of 20 cost a measly $15,000. What were you going to do with that $15,000 dollars anyway? If your answer isn't "put a down payment on a yacht," go on and buy your friends these cigars. Now. Before they become super sold out.

2. Wine

When I'm smoking a fine cigar, there's nothing I like more, you know, other than blowing smoke in a homeless person's face, than a delicious, mind-numbingly expensive wine to go with it. The thing is, when you're drinking Chambord Liqueur Royale de France, it's not really the black raspberry liqueur--which is probably totally gross-- that you're paying for, but the bottle:

Chambord by Donald Edge is a handcrafted Royal Orb bedecked with gold and gems. It features more than 1,100 brilliant, princess and pear cut diamonds as well as a single emerald cut diamond. As if that wasn’t enough, the bottle also features a number of the finest pearls. All of these gems are set in the bottle’s 18k gold embellishments.

I know, that sounds bat-shit crazy, but check this out: a bottle only costs two-million dollars. See? That's not so bad.

3. The Chopard 201-carat Watch

There's a watch in there, I promise. You've just got to squint a little bit to see it. And that's what a classy lady (or gentleman?) wants in a wristwatch: something they have to squint at like an idiot. But, seriously, it's like I've always said: it's not the size of the watch that counts, but, rather, the amount of gaudy diamonds surrounding the watch, thereby, making the watch face almost impossible to read that counts.

4. Shoes

These gold-dipped basketball shoes are only $5,405. That's a drop in the bucket (basketball pun intended...there is a basketball pun there, right?) to a classy playa like you. These shoes are totally not ugly. Whoever you gift them to will probably wear them all the time on account of them being so utterly not ugly as shit. Money well spent.

5. A horse

Little girls want ponies--and typically, a pony puzzle or My Little Pony action figure will do--but adults, especially classy, well-to-do adults want, neigh, expect horses. And everybody knows that Germany has the best horses (duh!). This year I'm doing all of my horse shopping at German Horse Center.com. They've got horses from $19,000 to almost $200,000. That might look a little expensive, but, c'mon, it's Christmas. Open up your pocketbook, Ebenezer.

Here are just a few of the horses currently for sale:

--Quell Surprise ($39,000): "A very versatile and also manageable young horse." (Will respond favorable to sexual advances)

--Sir Donnerhall x Rohdiamant ($59,000): "The learning speed of this mare is especially noteworthy. Lively and very easy to ride." (Kind of a slut)

--All or None ($78,000): "Highly placed in A, L and M class (1.30 m) show jumping tests for young horses." (If you knew what A, L, and M stood for, you'd have the biggest boner right now)

--Donatella ($39,000): "A beautifully marked, graceful black mare with very good gaits." (And as we all know, once you go black...I'm grossing myself out now)

6. Classy Escort

Speaking of horse-faced mammals you can have sex with, did you know that former wrestler Chyna (AKA Joan Marie Laurer, AKA Chyna Doll, AKA "The dude with the tits, right?") is an escort now? It's true according to the internet. But if you want to spend some alone time with this star of stage (well, wrestling ring) and screen (well, homemade porno), it's gonna cost ya. You better be prepared to lay down $3,500 for a single hour of Chyna's precious, precious time, and $1,500 for each hour that follows. But this is a Christmas present and the recipient of said present deserves a whole weekend. Easily done, as long as you've got $20,000. You've got $20,000 dollars, don't you? Give the gift of uncomfortable conversation and dirty looks this Christmas. God bless us everyone.