121. "Born With a Mic In Our Hand" (Barbie and The Rockers)
If you ever had a little sister, you probably played Barbies with her at some point, unless your parents wouldn't allow her to have Barbie dolls because they felt that the brand promoted sexism or they believed that dolls of any kind were perfect vessels for demonic possession. My little sister had Barbie dolls however, so we played Barbies. That's what you call it: playing Barbies. If you'd ever played Barbies, you'd know.
By the 1980s, Barbie had been a lot of things--a homemaker, a secretary, an airline stewardess--but somehow she'd never been a lady rocker. So, Mattel made her one, gave her a backing band and everything. They were called The Rockers because why not. Barbie and The Rockers were not just a matching set of rock-n-roll dollies though. They were also recording artists. Rock-n-Roll Barbie, or whatever the fudge she was called, came with a cassette tape. This cassette tape contained two or three songs, I think. The most irritating and, therefore, my favorite, was titled "Born With a Mic In Our Hand."
I'm assuming you've listened to it by this point. You'll notice first that it is not good. Not good at all. The reason I like it is because it brings back pleasant memories of me and my sister getting along. I am aware that I lashed out at many of you several weeks ago for your weird love of the The Trashpile's "Surfing Bird" song and I'd like to take this moment to apologize. You go ahead and like "Surfin' Bird." Maybe your daddy played it for you when you were sick and it made you smile. Maybe it was playing the first time you and your cousin shared an illicit opened mouth kiss behind the Christmas tree. Wait, what? Doesn't matter. If "Surfin' Bad" brings back joyous memories of your misbegotten youth, you go ahead and revel in it, you weird freak. You take "Surfin Bird" and I'll stick with "Born With a Mic."
After the overall shittiness of Barbie's song, you probably noticed that the lyrics aren't very good. They are not. They are not only bad, but they are confusing and a little sick. Let's take a closer look.
"Born...born with a mic in our hand": This opening line leads me to belief that Barbie and The Rockers were never meant to be a proper five-piece band, but rather a hideously conjoined singing manbeast. How else do you explain the fact that they were born with a single microphone in their collective hand? Wouldn't it make more sense to sing "Born with several different mics in our separate hands?" Or maybe just have Barbie be the one born with a mic in her hand. They all had to be born with mics in their hands? You're Barbie and The Rockers for a reason, guys. No one's paying to see The Rockers. The Rockers would be lucky to get a state fair gig without Barbie. Of course, if they were a conjoined oddity, they probably could get work on the freak show circuit.
"Singing everything that we can": So, songs, right? That's about all you can sing, you know, without looking like a mental patient.
The verses: So, in the first verse, Barbie explains that as a little girl she would often close her eyes and have eerie visions of herself surrounded by four adults in rock-n-roll gear, which I assume would include ripped jeans, keytars, and vials of coke. In the second verse, Barbie explains that her visions have come true. And that's the song. THAT'S THE SONG!
Why do I like this? It's partly the childhood memories, but it's kind of because I respect a well-crafted pop song and, well, this is undeniably well-crafted. It crawls in your head, lays its poison eggs, and leaves you nauseous and bewildered, but also a little sparkly. It's a tune that has literally etched itself into the deepest reaches of my brain--in the brains of many of my generation, I've discovered--and because of this, for better or worse, we are forever linked.
