Whatever activites you've been filling your lazy summer days with, I hope you haven't forgotten that the world is still going to end one day. And the end ain't gonna be pretty. Of that I'm quite sure. What I'm not sure about, however, is how the world is going to end. Ever since Harold Camping's epic End of Days fail back in May, I have been obsessed with discovering how it's all going to end. Will it go out with a bang? A whimper? A rousing Broadway-style musical number? I don't know. But experts do.
Expert: Mallory McGinty-Puff
How: alien invasion
When: "It has already begun, my friends."
The Details: "When the American government faked the first moon landing back in '69, extraterrestrials were all like, 'What, outer space isn't good enough for ya?' Needless to say, they were pretty offended. It was right then and there that they began planning our eventual demise.
"The aliens' anger faded slightly as the years went by. Exhausted from planning their massive invasion, the aliens decided to take a break and reassess their feelings toward the human race.
"Then, on September 11, 2001, the American government faked a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City. Well, the aliens just lost it. 'What is up with these guys?" they lamented. 'Maybe that whole super highway between Mexico and Canada is fake too. The nerve of these people!'
"The election of an illegal alien to the US presidency, as well as, Prince William's marriage to Kate Middleton--a notorious alien hunter and known cyborg--and the continued release of racist, anti-spaceman propoganda each summer movie season, eventually pushed the aliens over the edge. In a rabid frenzy, they returned to planning their invasion of our Earth, the initial targets being: 1) the secret bunker home of the 7 Jewish bankers who control all of the world's governments; 2) Hitler's brain, which currently rules the Kingdom of Druvhan in the 5th dimension; 3) Denver International Airport, a hotbed of governmental treachery and lizard-men; 4) Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, the headquarters of America's premiere team of mutant super-heroes/Socialist pigs, the X-Men; 5) the M&M Store in Times Square; 6) Pearl Harbor, where the American government faked a Japanese airstrike in 1941; and 7) Big Ed's Dry Cleaning, because Big Ed is a dick.
"Phase 1 of the attack is currently in progress. Aliens have taken on the appearance of human beings and begun infiltrating the highest levels of power and influence: The UN, the US Congress, Hollywood, 4H, etc. In a matter of months, the aliens will inact Phase 2: total annihilation of the human race. If I were you, I'd kill myself now. Or build yourself an underground bunker like the one I'm building in my basement. You hear me, Big Ed? You're doomed, buddy. DOOMED!"
Mallory McGinty-Puff owns the Smiley Face Laundromat on the corner of East Elm & Highland, right across the street from Big Ed's Dry Cleaning. She spends her evenings reading conspiracy theory books and making change. She is also an alcoholic. And, yes, fine: she is my ex-wife. You can probably tell why it didn't work out. If you can't, eff you.
