So, it's May 22nd and we're all still here. AWWWW-KWARD! Listen, if you thought the world was going to end yesterday and you drained your life savings putting up billboards and passing out tracts in Times Square, you deserve the ball-busting you will inevitably receive Monday at work. Don't be a dick. Just laugh at yourself and own your blind stupidity.I didn't lose any sleep over Saturday's Doomsday prediction, but it did get me thinking about the end of the world. Will it happen in my lifetime? And if it does, how will the whole thing go down? Is it gonna hurt? Will al-Qaeda be involved? North Korea? Polar ice caps run amok? Giant space robots? Damn, dirty apes??? I came up with plenty of questions, but very few answers. So, I took my questions to the experts: crackpots! I sent an e-mail to several of the country's leading crackpots and asked them what is really gonna happen when this old world comes to a grinding stop. In the upcoming weeks, I will be publishing their answers unedited and sans snarky retort. Perhaps these predictions will bring you comfort. Perhaps they will scare the poop right out of your bowels and into your pants, a place where poop, most would agree, does not belong. Whatever your reaction, change your underpants once in awhile, all right?
Expert: Pastor Irving Priestly III
How: The Rapture
When: June 15, 2021, Tuesday, late-afternoon
The Details: "Jesus Christ will return to the planet Earth around 3:30 PM Tuesday afternoon and appear on Mtv's Total Request Live--TRL having returned to the airways sometime in late 2017--to make the official announcement. Jesus will instruct the righteous to check-in at one of the Heavenly Depots, angelic train stations that will appear as if from nowhere following the broadcast, in their area for "Rapture passes." He will give away free passes to the first three callers to the show before disappearing in a puff of glitter and doves.
"Believers who have been washed clean by the Blood of the Lamb will be allow to board Heaven-bound trains starting around 5:00 or so--the Bible is unclear on this--and snacks will be served. At exactly 7:35 PM, the trains will follow a complicated series of golden train tracks into the sky and arrive in Heaven in time for Two and A Half Men, which will be on it's third or fourth cast by this point--the Bible is unclear on this. The wicked will be left behind to their homosexual dating sites and their Lady Gaga.
"In Heaven, the pure of heart will enjoy hymns and fish sticks for all eternity, while the wicked will continue to fornicate with farm animals and read books about teenaged witches as they always have.
"The Earth, oddly enough, will go on existing until 5067, when God mistakes it for a meatball and eats it."
